Chevrolet | life as seen by me

Lately I’ve really been really concentrating on the conversations my husband and I have. We always end up laughing or shaking our heads smiling. WARNING!!!! Laughing and smiling can be contagious in a grocery store.

I felt happiness today. The phone rang and it was my husband telling me he was coming home early. I could only describe my feelings as joyful. Not to shabby for someone with a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.

The not so good part, I had to pick him up at the Chevy dealer who just fixed my SUV. His car needed some tender loving care. Like mine just got.

So, maybe my car broke down when it did so it would be well enough to transport my husband to work because his car broke down. And because my car broke down, I met some wonderful people and because I met these wonderful people, I am convinced that it is time to say goodbye. Good bye to Parker, my 10-year-old SUV.

I think this post just turned into the third of my Loss/ Found / Lost and Found serial challenge for writing 101. First Major Loss as an adult human is Part 1. Third Time’s the Charm. I never did finish that assignment.

So, I look toward a future loss. The loss of a good friend. It is time to say goodbye to Parker. We traveled 102,338 miles together. The time has come for her to sit on a lonely used car lot or a make a quick trip to the junk yard. She needs more help than I am willing to give.

when we cleaned her out, we found Parker ate 2 lighters, 3 umbrellas, and a boatload of pennies. funny, I have never purchased an umbrella

Parker was a tease. She truly had it all. Power everything. Including seat adjustment. Which when a certain button was pushed would warm your little behind. Meeting Parker was not planned. Her predecessor got hit by a tree and passed young. This was the day I truly understood the phrase “car wrapped around a tree.” I want to talk about my experience with black cars versus my experience with white cars. But I don’t know how to do it without making someone angry. I know, I’ll talk about red cars instead.

I wish I could leave color out of this, but it is important. Everyone has heard, “Oh No don’t get a red car, they are cop magnets.” My husband and I both experienced red cars and we came to the same conclusion. A high rate of speed is a better cop magnet than the color of the car.

To me loss has always meant change. I have never done well with change, therefore it makes sense that I would do poorly with loss. Acceptance is the key for me. Funny how I can make that sound so simple. I don’t just accept change, I fight it tooth and nail.

I need to be reminded that there are some things I have no control over. I need to remind myself that I do have a choice. Fight a losing battle or take a moment and relax. Think about whether there is anything I can do. Look at all options. After taking a bit of time to relax, I am able to see things clearer.

Maybe this change will not be as bad as I think it will be. It might even end up being a good thing. I won’t know until the loss and change actually happens. Now that I think about it, accepting change is a lot more pleasant than fighting it. The more practice I get at it, the better I will be at it.

102,338 miles versus 16 miles. you choose

So this story was supposed to be about some of the very odd conversations I have with my husband. Ah yup, that was the plan. Things don’t always turn out the way I expect. Sometimes they turn out better. So we are off. Off to look at a Grape Ice colored car. Definitely not the one I want, but most likely the one I need.

I managed to find humor in this whole life thing after all. The first call we got after trading in Parker was from the salesman who just sold us Ice Ice Fanta, “Have you had any trouble starting the Equinox with this key?”

“Ah nope. Not since we just put $501.15 into her for a new starter an oil change.

I’d call this new car purchase very, very good timing.

I did it. I want to shout off the mountain top, “I FREAKIN’ DID IT!!!!”

I will try to make a long story short.

An unexpected not so good thing happened today. This thing led to what I would describe as an even worse thing, but not devastatingly bad. Manageable bad. My hands shook while attempting to use the rarely used cell phone,

First call was AAA. I just used these guys last Saturday so I am a pro with them. Despite quivering fingers, I did well with their phone system. The next call was to my therapists office. Easy one. Well it became easy after the first number I dialed was a wrong number. Just say hello and ask for his extension here. No need to deal with a computer. You know, low tech, they have people. People you can actually talk to and get to know.

In my mind’s eye my 1st message to Dennis was panicked. I could not remember my cell # , and rambled on about how “with my old therapist I had not missed an appointment and here it is Day 3 with you and I cancel…. WTF”

I stopped.

I put my phone down

I took a big sip of water.

I took a deep breath.

I called my therapists office back and left my cell phone number with them. I then took another good deep long full breath and drank some more water. The phone rang and it was Dennis. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him yet. He has the best voice. I thought my Doctor had a good voice when it came to helping people calm down, but Dennis’s is even better. Hearing his voice and easily rescheduling my appointment continued the calmness I had started to feel.

Instead of feeding the all too well-known anxiety and anger, I took a few more breathes. I realized this was the perfect opportunity to take a suggestion of my new therapist. I did something Dennis mentioned. Listen to how your body feels. Feel the feelings. It doesn’t just happen right away, but eventually I am able to let these feelings go. The first time I tried it with Roy, I thought “yeah, right, just let it go, so simple yet so wicked hard” But I have been practicing this with less important life crap. When I really needed it to, It worked. Surprised even me.

I had the calm time I needed to realize, “there is not a darn thing I can do to fix this situation. I will miss my appointment no matter what I do. It is so out of my control. I can either focus on the bad of the situation or try to find some good. I thought it would be fun to try to find some good in this life crap. So I chose that.

I spent some of my time chatting with the Veterinary Tech I had just spoken to. I laid down on the green grass and felt the warm breeze. I drank some water. I thought, “I should come back and steal some of their lilacs.” Eventually I met D.J. and Rich. Turns out Rich knows my husband, knew exactly who I was talking about when I mentioned ‘the beagles guy’, and did everything in his power to take care of me. And take care of me he did. My car will be ready today by 5.

I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. Part of the fun is figuring out why things happen? It’s not often that I am able to figure it out, but when I do, it can make me smile.

Maybe my pleasant attitude and conversation turned D.J.’s day around. Maybe my expression of appreciation to Rich, on GM’s Appreciation Day I might add, made him rethink quitting his job, leaving his wife, and moving to Alaska. Maybe someone who was passing by, saw me lying in grass, and it made them think “yes, I need to relax too.”

I forgot the point of why I started writing. I will end with, despite having a lifetime of mental health issues, I am okay today. I am not great. I am not perfect. It can be a struggle, but I can be okay.

I just realized my goal today was to answer this question, “If there was one thing you could tell people about your experience with mental illness, either in a family member, friend, or yourself, what would it be?” Thank you Shirley’s Heaven.

Every day I get a reminder to feel gratitude. Today I am grateful that I took the extra time to make myself look presentable. I was expecting a simple trip to therapy, not running into the whole Chevy dealership.

I am going to go watch my humming birds.