OTT #2 or #3 if you count the 1st one that wasn’t published on a Tuesday

My planned feature of Obsessive Thought Tuesday isn’t really working out as originally planned. Then again this blog isn’t quite what I had planned for either. The thoughts I have for today are again not obsessive thoughts, but at least it is Tuesday and all the thoughts have something to do with obsessiveness. They are all thoughts I had because of OCD.

Picture this……..

I have to fill out forms explaining my “disability”. One thing I have to describe is my OCD.  The forms they sent me to fill out are old and blurry.  After I made my own, better, much clearer forms to fill out, I wondered, “do I really need to describe my OCD once they see my new forms?”

I came up with this next idea when I noticed someone said something that was clearly(to me) not what I needed to hear at that time. Top 10 Things You Should Never Say to someone like me. I immediately searched the Internet for a top 10 OCD list, but couldn’t quite find the one I was looking for, so I came up with my own. I did find many top ten for so many other things. I was going to leave a link but couldn’t pick just one or 4.  There needs to be a site that lists them all, if anyone has the time.

My medication Doctor encouraged me to make my own list. He is looking forward to his copy.

Just forget about it.  (this is the one that got me thinking)

Why does it take you so long?

Why do you do that?

Still obsessing over this brook

Clearly Still obsessing over this brook

What are you afraid of?

Why cant you just go to bed? or leave the house?

Did you lock the door? or Let the cat in? or Shut the oven off?

How many do you need? 

We all like things a certain way.

Why do you do that so many times?

Why can’t you just stop?

So that is my latest attempt at having a feature my 32 followers can look forward to.  I already want to rename Obsessive thought Tuesday Obsessive thought Thursday.  I think it flows better.
I hope you get the chance to laugh today!!!!
       
   

read this only if….

….you want a better understanding of the “person” writing this blog

I have been nominated twice for this award. I also noticed one of my nominators was nominated twice as well.  She broke the rules regarding the award, so I am going to follow suit and break them as well.  I will answer the questions and I will link back to those two wicked awesome people who nominated me.  But, I do find it impossible to nominate 10 other blogs for this award because I don’t know ten other blogs.liebster-award Therefore, I will not do this part. I know a few other blogs, but most, if not all have way over 200 followers. I came across one where the guy had “You are following this blog, along with 669 other amazing people”  he started his Blog in February too.  I am glad the # of Followers I have is not a reason I started to Blog orlaughing-smiley-face-gif-facebook-secret-smileys-codes I would be so jealous. I am a tad suspicion of that one, but he does make me laugh. That is a wicked important/valuable quality.

These are the questions from the second person who nominated me, thank you tentimestea !

  1. Food you like to eat when you’re sick? that is a tough question  as I am rarely physically ill.   I do use jelly beans as a cure all when it comes to mental health though smilesmall
  2. A song that cheers you up? “This Little Light of Mine”, I don’t know why I just love when it is playing in my head. it makes me smile.
  3. What is your first career aspiration you remember having? (Or any job you wanted when you were younger) my memory is not the best.  I do not recall having  a specific career aspiration.  Looking back though my first job was my best job.  It was at a candy store.  The 1st rule I learned was “if you have never tried it you must try it, that way you can honestly tell the customers how really good it is.”
  4. Your favourite movie?  I don’t really have a favorite, but if I had to pick one it would be “The Perfect Storm”.  I lived in the area when that storm hit and remember it well.  I remember going to work the next morning and seeing boats in the road. softballfastpitch
  5. If you could be an Olympic level athlete in any one sport, which one would you choose?  None!!!! If they had women’s softball, that would be it.  I grew up playing softball.  Some of my best memories are of softball.
  6. What is your favourite day of the week, and why? Easy, Sunday.  It is Hubby’s day off during the week. We always spend it on a leisurely drive to NH. I love my drives with him. They really are a lot of Fun  hmmmm…. might be time for a roadtrip.
  7. Would you rather transform your blog into a: novel, movie, or comic book? (Each one would be an awful lot of work!) What would it be like?  I really wouldn’t want to transform this blog into anything else.  I am having an awful lot of fun with it the way it is.
  8. How do you relax when you are stressed? As long as I remember to breathe, I am pretty good at staying relaxed. or there is always Ativan if that doesn’t work
  9. Do you have a story behind the name of your blog? I have almost 50 years worth of story behind the name of my Blog.  Some are my stories, some are others, and some are totally made up (I will tell you when they are made up)

    Debshoveling

    ReShoveling

  10. Link to one of the last blog posts you read (apart from this one of course!). This isn’t the last one I read, but it is one of the betterer, more important ones. Sometimes I accidentally make up non words (betterer was not a typo) and use them as words. When reshovel becomes widely used, know that I was the 1st. 

These are the questions from the first person to nominate me.    Thank you Leni !!!! 

  1. You started blogging because,,,And what’s the story behind your blog name?  Someone suggested I write.  They thought it would help me see things clearer. I was also looking for something fun to do. A friend of mine blogged and seemed to be having fun. I just put the 2 together.

    beaglesleep

    DREAMIN’ of PRIME RIB

  2. What is your biggest fear?  The Death of anyone close to me.  Including my beagle  
  3. Who is the one person who you think reads most of your posts? my #1 and #2 would be my guess, they know who they are
  4. What is your favorite food and what would be your last meal on your last day? Beef, I love beef I would eat it every day if it wouldn’t kill me. A nice juicy, tender prime rib would make a great last meal, with a buttered baked potato and corn I guess if I need a veggie
  5. Dog or cat Both!!!! I’ve had dogs, I’ve had cats, I’ve had both. If pig or horse were a choice I’d say yes to them too. Provided I had the means to take care of them all properly.
  6. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? If I say both will you think me a tad loopy???? I think it all depends on how I feel, who I am with, and where I am.
  7. What is the best time of day for you for blogging and what is your favorite way to post?  I think morning is my best time. I find myself here when waking up, drinking my 2 glasses of iced coffee. I am unaware of more than 1 way too post, please share the others with me.
  8. What is the strangest place you have been in the last year? prison
  9. Would you rather travel via plane, train or automobile definitely automobile. the only experience I have had with trains is trains to Boston and I only use them when absolutely necessary. You can keep planes.  These days there is too much of a hassle to get on them. I would be willing to fly to Australia with anyone and Texas with my Mom.
  10. What will you do next after you finish answering these questions? Nothing. No, I think I will tell you that I lied in question 8 next.

I lied in question Eight – I wish it didn’t have to be #8 – I always loved the number 8 – For so many reasons

Yaz being #1 number8YAZ

Internet Relationships Part Uno

John-Edward-Photo-Devon-Cass-2-1

John Edward NO “S” please get it right

My first experiences with Internet relationships began with my love of John Edward (JE). That is Edward, NO “S”. The one with an “S” is the politician, the one without an “S” is the psychic medium.

Anyway, I was new to the Internet. It was new to the world. I didn’t know a lot about it. I was willing to learn.

I discovered a web site that focused on people like me who loved John Edward, the show Crossing Over and everything to do with contacting and getting messages from “the other side”. The person who keeps popping in my head is MrAl. I don’t know how we hooked up originally, but I do know we hooked up for a reason.accident2 MrAl and I chatted a lot. We mostly communicated via the web site and eventually went to email. We didn’t have much in common except for our love of JE. I enjoyed talking with Al. He had a daughter,Jodi who had passed and we talked a lot about her. I had my Dad. At some point we decided to meet. Just like that. We both had plans to go to a JE seminar and figured “what the heck, we will be at the same place, at the same time, for the same thing. Why not get together?”

This was before the world found out how many crazy/not quite well/scary people could be found on the Internet. But just a hair after 911. I don’t even think Al knew my real name the day we met. All he knew was that I would be the one wearing the bright orange Bass Pro Shop baseball cap.  Today, Summer 2015 I can be found in a hat I call my Australian Outback hat. It sports the American flag sewn (by my hand) on the front.

So, one day we met. I will never forget this day. There was a big line waiting to go into the seminar. As I walked toward this line, I heard my screen name being called. I do not remember what my name was (I think it was Alyx90). You see Al only knew me via the Net therefore he only knew my Internet name.

This turned out to be a very spiritual day for me. JE asked us to participate in a meditation exercise before he began his readings. I didn’t think I would be very good at meditation, but tried it anyway. I was at this event hoping to getspirituality messages from 2 people or energies I guess would be a better word, as one of those “people” was my dog. During the meditation, I tried to focus on my dad and baby beagle. I felt more than just them. I swear there was a third energy that kept distracting me from concentrating on my Dad and beagle. Finally, out of nowhere came the thought, “Jodi bring them all through.” I really need to end MrAl’s part of the story here or I will go on for another 1000 words about spirituality, “the other side”, mediums, and messages.

Another relationship of mine was a woman from Maine. At some point I met her IRL as well. We met once when I visited Maine. Her son and she actually spent the night at my house once. We all went to a JE seminar and my house was closer than hers, so sleeping over was a great option. I can’t even imagine this happening today.

I have 1 “friend” left over from my JE obsession days. Her name is May. I do not know why or how we remained “friends”, but we did. Somehow we hooked up on Facebook and were able to keep in touch. She has 2 kids, 1 is a doctor, the other depressed like me. This is why I love the power of the Internet. I can search for any quality I have and will find someone on the Net who has the same virtue, or at least understands what I am talking about. It is so easy to find people with common interests. There were very few people in my real life who were as into JE as I was. I found thousands on the Net. May knows my real name, where I live, and is Facebook friends with my husband. I would not allow that to happen today.

The Internet is different today. We have learned a lot more about it and about the world. I really cannot see me allowing someone I met via the Net know where I live never mindinternetfriends5 stay over my house. Today the people I meet know very little about me. They know that I am female, married, have a great sense of humor, and live somewhere in New England with a beagle and husband. Some know I deal with mental health issues on a daily basis.That is pretty much it. I have “met” many people I really do like. I have “met” people I have a lot in common with. I have “met” people I would feel comfortable sharing almost anything with. I have also “met” people I have no desire to have in my Life. These people do not know me, I do not know them. Sharing is easier when no one knows who you are. I would never even think about allowing them to be my friend on Facebook. It is different today. I am not sure what changed, I only know that it did.

I started this post with my present day Internet Relationships in mind.. I wrote 3 pages and still have not touched upon these people. This will definitely be continued……..  Until then, Relax, Enjoy, and Have A Great Day.

1st attempt at OTT (obsessive thought tuesday)

I already see a problem with this being called Obsessive Thought Tuesday.  If that istradition what this feature becomes. Then today, the 1st day, I will be breaking with a tradition that isn’t even a tradition yet. Today was a very good day as far as obsessive thoughts go.  I had some, but most were related to stuff I wanted to write about someday. Just not today.

Today was full of usual anxiety generated random thoughts.  Seeing as though we were on our way to Walmart and Walmart can be an anxiety provoking kind of place, these thoughts would be considered normal for me.  I did take 1/2 an Ativan before we left to help combat the expected anxiety. I was 1st ambushed by whacky thoughts in the car before we even got to the store.  I should have taken that other 1/2.

“I so hope I am not one of those woman at Walmart who people take pictures of. Pictures of People in Walmart  I brushed my teeth and hair, showered, I am wearing sweats, but I did put on shoes rather than wear my slippers this time.  I might have to keep pulling the sweats up, but I am aware of this and will do it so my undies don’t show. Nah, I should be good  No one should want to take my picture at Walmart.” 

After scanning the numerous Walmart pics, maybe these thoughts were not brought on by anxiety. Maybe they were legitimate fears. Damn, I am always learning something new about my mental health.

I walked around Walmart today thinking….

“wow these people have no clue I am batshitcrazy  <laughing inside>  cool!!!! laughter!!!! it can only help with anxiety so this thought is a welcomed one  maybe I will have more thoughts like it  Laughter is a good distraction. If I move slow and don’t make any sudden moves, I will be okay. Take it 1 aisle at a time and I will make it through this store. I have to look like I know what I’m looking for. I can’t believe we forgot the list Again. Oh well I am willing to take 100% of the blame this time. Jax needs a break. Damn the granola bars were tough to find they were hidden way back.  Wow dog cookies were hidden just like the granola bars.  Is this on purpose?  Nah, everyone is just buying the same stuff as me. They should really have 1 employee whose sole job is to check the shelves to make sure I can find what I what. That would so make things easier maybe I should email Walmart when I get home.”  

I was looking for a funny joke to leave here when I found this restaurant review instead. It really cracked me up. My one real complaint at a different restaurant recently was “not Cant-stop-laughingenough wiggle room”, so finding this review was too perfect. When it warms up we will take the trek to this place. As it comes highly recommended by a Good Friend. Good, home made food with good sized portions and not too expensive is what everyone else says. If this review does not leave you with at least a smirk, I apologize in advance. I thought it was funny.

2 of 5 stars Reviewed February 14, 2015  Food was just ok …. More like a greasy soon type place. Atmosphere is a drag and whole setup is best set for people who don’t care about what type food they eat.And plenty of space for you heavier folks.laughter-medicine
So that is my first real attempt at having a feature you can look forward to each week. I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it.

as blogging101 ends for some, it continues for me.

I am still obsessively working on blogging 101 assignments.  I am working on the last week day assignment as I simultaneously try the weekend ones.. Hmmmmmmmm a blogging feature that my followers could look forward to each week/month???? I need something simpler than venting. Proper Venting sometimes requires Time.  Obsessive Thought Tuesday would take no time.

Random Obsessive Thought Tuesday.  It would fit with my blogs goal of making people smile and helping me vent.  Some of my thoughts are a bit on the unusual side and writing them down has always helped me get rid of them.  Sometimes action is required to lessen these thoughts.

brook1

Don’t get too close to the Brook, It is closer than you think!!!!

Yesterdays thoughts remained in my brain for 2 days.  We took action today and went down to the brook to take some pictures and relieve me of the following thoughts.

“I so need a camera.  The Brook looks so pretty today I wish I knew where the camera was.  Do I even own a camera? Damn I am gonna have to ask Jax when he gets home to use his phone.  Yup we will have to use his phone.  That is what we will have to do. The Brook looks so pretty today.”

Seeing as though it is not Tuesday and it is an extra special day for me, I am going to make you suffer with today’s obsessive song as well.  It is Ed Sheeran’s, Thinking Out Loud  I can’t make songs a weekly feature as I usually obsess over them for much longer than a week. Take a minute or 2 and listen, it really is a great song. I only obsess over the great ones. 

So what do you think of how I did do with the last assignment of Blogging 101?  Do I deserve the A+ I expected?

Great, now that this Obsessive, Brook picture taking thought is going to go away I already have a new obsessive thought. What do I call Tuesday?  Random and obsessive or just obsessive?  I’ll let you know on Tuesday.

Create a Feature/mental health or bad day?‏

My first thought when I saw todays Blogging101 assignment was “Nope, not going to do it.”  The assignment was to develop a regular feature for your blog. I still don’t know what my blog is going to be about, how do I come up with a regular feature? I instantly saw the point to creating a regular feature your followers could look forward to, but I had no idea what mine could be.  So instead of trying to do the assignment, I decided to sit down and just write. Little did I know, but as I wrote I realized I was coming up with my very own feature.  I do not do many things well, but one thing I do execute well is venting about life.  So, maybe once a week, or every other week, or every month I will vent about life in an appropriate way. Not only will this fit nicely with the goal I sort of have for this blog, but it will mean I completed todays assignment as well.

I was trying to describe how I felt.  I do not like the expression “It is just a bad day”, but if I did use that expression, yesterday would have been the day. Nothing unusual happened to make it a bad day. It just didn’t feel like a good one.

The day started by my waking up rather early.  6:40 a.m. to be exact.  Hubby was still home and getting ready for his day.  Although waking too early might be the start of a bad day for some folk, it was actually the start of what I thought would be a good day for me.  I got a kiss goodbye from hubby.  I never get them as I am usually still asleep when he leaves for work.  So waking up too early was a not such a bad start to the day. Getting an extra kiss from the one that I love changed that around for me.

The day went on like any other day.  I took care of my daily living type of stuff (coffee, tooth brushing, dressing, etc.). I even remembered to eat and take my fish oil.  I am always forgetting to eat. Therefore forgetting the supplements that go with it.  My beagle was good.  Resting comfortably, and waking only when he needed to pee or eat.  Such a great beagle he is.

A very long time ago I made the decision to limit my caffeine intake.  I don’t remember why I did this, I just know that I drink 2 glasses of iced coffee every morning then switch to water.  Today having woken much earlier than usual, I had ample time to drink more.  And drink more I did . This was a mistake.

I had only 1 real responsibility this day and that was my therapy appointment.  The rest of the days obligations were regular every day ones. Nothing too special.  Today felt different.  My thoughts were racing and obsessive.  I had so much I wanted to do and I wanted to do it all RIGHT NOW!!!!  Feeling like this is not unusual for me.  It is actually pretty normal. I haven’t felt like this in a few weeks or more.  I haven’t felt like this since the Doctor put my OCD medication back up to where it never should have left.

On the drive to therapy, I did one of my new favorite things.  I turned on my heated leather seat, opened the sunroof, and cranked the radio.  I do this to distract myself from any meddlesome, unrelenting thoughts I may be having.  And Oh Boy, today I was having them. None of my newest favorite songs came on the radio, but an older one did.  I found myself singing along to City Of Angels by…. haha it is not City of Angels although those songs and movie are nice.  It was Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers. I am a horrible singer, one of the worst, but when you are in your car alone, it does not matter if you can sing or not.  You just sing!!!!  The singing, cold air, and loud music helped.  It did its job. The bothersome thoughts went away long enough for me to figure out what it was I was actually feeling.  I was feeling “CROOKED”.  It was the only way I could think to describe what it was I felt.  I did not know what crooked meant, but that was okay.  I was on my way to therapy.  The perfect place to figure everything out.

I ended up learning one thing in therapy this day. It was a lesson I have learned so many times before.  Remember earlier when I mentioned my 2 glasses of iced coffee.  In therapy I became aware AGAIN of why I limited it to 2.  Any more than that and I become wired.  Totally out of control. Manic even. Racing, continuous, intrusive thoughts.  The cool thing is that years ago, before I “woke up” from my latest bout of depression, feeling like this would have been horrifying to me.  I would have thought, “Oh my Goddess? What the heck is wrong with me?  Do I need a medication change, more therapy, possible hospital Timeout? This is never going to change.  No one can help me. I will always feel this way.”

Not Today!!!!  Today I used skills I have gained.  Some skills have been taught to me by parents, friends, teachers, television, strangers on the street, etc., while others I figured out on my own.  Today I used the experience of distracting myself from the obsessive, chronic, never ending thoughts that I was able to figure out that I am okay!!!!  I took a step back and looked at what was really going on with me. I simply drank too much coffee. The let down I will eventually feel after the coffee wears off will go away.  I will not become overwhelmingly sucked into the deep depths of depression like I have in the past. I will not become all consumed with these incessant, perpetual thoughts.  I will be OKAY!!!!

If I experience a bad day, maybe it is just that, simply A Bad Day.  I just have to do what I can to make sure that 1 bad day does not turn into 2.  Today I can do that by 1) only having 2 glasses of iced coffee 2) using the know-how I have gathered from living life and 3) by venting about my bad day.  One of the very first things I learned in blogging 101 was what a text widget was and how to use it.  I wrote “I love to laugh and I love to vent. I use both of these things when dealing with life. I guess, maybe I will try to put laughter and venting together and see what happens.”  I do believe I did well with the venting part today, not too sure about the humor though.  What do you think?

Try (Another) Blogging Event

Day 13 and I find myself writing again.  Since I started blogging 101 I have not written anything I had planned to write.  Taking this class has changed me.  Todays assignment only proves that more.  The event I picked was The Best of Me: an ode to the past.  I am not sure what exactly I am suppose to do for this “event” but I am just going to do it.  I seem to be saying “Just Do It” a lot lately.Just Do It I feel like an advertisement for Nike.

I picked this event because even though I just started my blogging adventure, I already want to write about where I have been. Last month is the past so I guess I do actually technically qualify for this event. It all started with the first blog I ever read.  This woman and her writing helped inspire me to write my own life crap down.  At the same time my therapist suggested that writing might help me figure some stuff out.  I didn’t want to “just write”, I wanted TO WRITE!!!!

I have always, well not always, but on a fairly regular basis written things down.  I have journals, notebooks, and slips of paper scattered throughout my house.  Now I have a place for all my new stuff.  I have a place to do something with my writing. I am still not sure what my ultimate goal is with this blog, but right now if asked I would say, “I want to educate about life using humor to do it.”  The first thing I published on this blog was an About Me.  I wonder if my goal in that is the same as today.  I highly doubt it.  I don’t even recall having a goal when I wrote that. I just wrote.

Enter Blogging 101.  The first assignment was pretty easy.  An Introduction of some sort.  I cheated by simply answering the questions asked in the assignment. This is where I first learned that blogging was not just about writing. This is where I was first asked to come up with a goal?  I was asked who I wanted my audience to be? What topics I might cover? What do you hope to accomplish?  It has been less than a month and I feel like I have come a very long way.

I think what I really want this post to be about is Blogging 101.  I want to talk about how I am learning so much more than I anticipated.  Yes I am learning how to use this WordPress blog system.  I kind of expected and hoped that would be part of it.  I am learning about links, widgets, titles, and taglines, etc. I am also learning about community, inspiration, prompts, and now events.

Some things have not changed in the past month.  I still want to connect with other human beings.  All, but 1 of my followers are human, but all are welcome here. I still want to use humor whenever I can.  If I make someone smirk, smile, or laugh I will  be happy.alien3 If someone learns something by reading what I write, that is okay too.  A while back I was asked what my job was?  My answer was “retired, but looking for something fun to do.”  I think I found my something fun.

Today I will try using a very simple, yet so difficult life skill.  I will keep it simple and end my post here.

a post based on my own, personalized take on a blogging prompt.

Take this (terrible) prompt: Two plus two equals four: yes or no?

I do not think that is such a terrible prompt.  I believe I could easily write at least 832 words about the number 4.  Remember, 4 is one of my magical numbers.  But I will leave that OCD story for another day. Todays prompt is Places Beach, mountain, forest, or somewhere else entirely?

My first thought when I read this was wow, I have lived in, or near, or on all these places. I can write about this. I grew up in a neighborhood that was cleaved out of a forest. One day it was dense forest.  A few weeks later it was a large neighborhood full of brand new houses.  I am guessing on the time frame as I was 1 and have no recollection of this time.  All I know is as a I grew I absolutely loved trees. The woods were my adventure land.  There were old train tracks that went through these woods that left the perfect trail that led to downtown. Walking to town via this trail was so much more fun than using a simple road.  I remember crab apple fights with other neighborhood kids. Top of the hill versus kids from the bottom of the hill.  Even in a tiny town environment, where you lived was very important. It was one neighborhood yet we were still somewhat divided. I lived in the middle of the hill so I got to choose my place in the neighborhood. Although I chose the top, if I think about who I would call if I just needed someone to talk to who would just listen, that would be my friend who lived at the bottom. We couldn’t be best friends growing up as she lived at the bottom of the hill, but when I think about who was the one person who stood by me during all my turbulent times, it would be her.  We haven’t spoken in a very long time as we are separated by distance and the fact that she refuses to use Facebook and I hate the phone.  The last time we talked, she didn’t even have to tell me why she was calling, I just knew.  That is the kind of friendship we have.  I bet if I called her right now, we would pick up exactly where we left off.  Maybe I will go look for my address book.

I have written around 380 words and I haven’t even touched upon beach or mountain.  So beach.  Beach was a vacation spot.  Beach was a day trip.  Although we lived in the middle of the state and were far from an ocean, we had so many choices. There was Hampton Beach if you wanted a very lively, active place to spend some time.  Rhode Island offered killer waves that my Nana taught us to love.  Then there was the Cape.  The Cape is the Cape to any who have ever truly loved it.  It is Cape Cod to the rest of the world.  When I grew up, I moved to the big city.  There was an ocean a few miles away.  But one night when I absolutely needed the beach and the ocean, I drove 3 hours to the Cape.  It wasn’t until I was on my way home the same night that I realized I could have easily driven a few miles to the beach.  It would not have been the same.  I was also in the middle of another bout of depression and wasn’t thinking my best.

When my Dad passed away, we decided to make a move.  We decided to leave the city and move closer to my Mom.  A lot of odd things were happening in our life and it all made this move possible.  We ended up buying a log cabin on the side of a mountain.  The first things we bought after our first night there were nightlights.  Boy does it ever get dark when there are only stars, no street lights .  Stars are so much better than streetlights.  Our dogs were in beagle heaven.  The neighbors didn’t call the cops when the boys acted like beagles.  There were no neighbors.  The toughest thing about living here was that the mountain was very hard on car brakes.  Anything and everything you need is at the bottom of the hill.

We have now settled in the forest by a brook.  The beagles can still be beagles here.  If we need the mountain, it is a twenty minute drive.  If we need the beach we go visit my sister.  This is the only house that does not flood and is the only house where flood insurance is mandatory.  One thing I have noticed about forests today is that I can’t find any climbable trees.  Growing up I lived in the trees.   Now that I think about it, maybe the trees are still climbable.  Maybe because I am seeing the world through the eyes of a somewhat older woman, I can’t see them like a kid can?

So there you have my latest blogging 101 assignment.  I used a prompt to vent about life. In what I hope was a somewhat humorous way.  I am so getting an A in this class.

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A Different Kind Of Coming Out Story

This post all started because todays assignment was to make a better blogroll. I was visiting a friends blog to look at her blogroll.  Her blog led me to another blog which inspired me to write this post.  I was so inspired that I decided to do yesterdays homework over again.  See that, I used links back to their blogs. I am so learning from blogging101!  If I did everything right, those links should go to lily pups life, Lesbian Like Me, and yesterdays homework Get Inspired by the neighbors. 

Mine is called a different kind of coming out story because I have never heard of another like it.  I guess you could say I kinds “Came Out Twice”.

I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning.  I had my 1st long-term boyfriend in the 6th grade.  I don’t know how old you are then, but it was too young to engage in more than a kiss. I remember that first kiss.  I remember thinking how soft his lips were, almost like what I imagined a girls to be like.  The following year, I recall that we did engage in what I guess could be described as heavy petting. I was okay during it as we were experimenting just like we were suppose to.  When he left I did not even want to kiss him.  I felt that uncomfortable.  We broke up.

High School came a long and I spent the whole time boyfriendless. I just wasn’t interested. One night I decided I was going to lose my virginity. So that is what I did.  I was out with classmates and we were drinking.  I looked at one of them and said. “I am going to have sex with you Tonight.”  Imagine being a 17 year old boy and have an 18 year old girl telling you this.  I probably don’t have to tell you, but he said yes.

When I was around 19, enter new friends Bill and Karen . Roger and Kate. Bill was older and had a crush on me, Karen was younger and I ended up sleeping with her one day.  Just like that. This was my 1st experience with a woman, it was not Karen’s. To Me, It seemed to be the most natural thing in the world.  The next day I felt different.  All day at work I was paranoid that everyone knew I had slept with a woman.  It is all I could think about.  I never saw Karen again until maybe 15 years later, but that shall be a whole story.

When I was 20 I relocated to a different part of the state.  I was a simple country girl dropped in the middle of Sin City. No one knew me there.  I was in a somewhat serious relationship with a man at the time, but when I moved we lost touch. Everything was changing so fast for me, light dawning everywhere. I figured what the heck. why not live my life as a lesbian  The coming out process was fairly easy for me.  It involved telling my Mom, sister, and the only friend I had left.  My mom responded with, “I always thought that, I just didn’t want to mention it.” My sister said “I always knew that, I just didn’t want to say anything.” And my best friend confessed that she too was a lesbian and in love with her best friend.  See, Did I lie? I said it was fairly easy

Through the years I dated, was single, dated some more, had my heart broken, and was single again.  I went to all the Pride Parades, went back to college with Women’s Studies as my 1st course, and even took the RedEye to DC for The March On Washingtonmarchonwashington I still have my necklace marchonwashington2                            Enter Jax.

I mentioned this name before in this Blogging101assignment.  The very first thing this man ever heard me say was “who the hell is Jax and why does he have my job?”  There was downsizing going on, we had to sign up for new jobs and Jax took the one I wanted. He approached, pointed to another, and commented  “if you took that one we would be working together.”  I figured what the heck at least I would know someone in the new building.  I worked nights in an institution.  For the most part it remained quiet so the staff had a lot of time to talk and get to know one another. I might go into a ‘not so quiet night sometime, but that might take a book. I made some lifelong friends working those nights.  I eventually found the woman I thought I wanted to be with.  We knew each other as coworkers and tried to expand on that.  Our relationship moved very fast.  Maybe a bit too fast for me.  I found myself at night talking about my relationship to Jax. He in turn talked about his relationship.  We got to be pretty good friends.  One night I was talking to another coworker David about my relationship. He shocked the hell right out of me when he said,

“I do not think you are a lesbian, and I do not think you are straight. I think you are going to fall in love with a human being, a person not a sex.” -David Hoyt

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Around this same time I was promoted and switched shifts. The shift change limited my time with my girlfriend.  I had a lot of time alone, to think. This is not always a good thing for me, but this time it may have been.  I thought about my life, my feelings, my relationships, my sexuality.  I was never really good at any of those things and here they all were, all at once, right in front of me.  I just knew I was not in love with my GF.  I was in love with MY FRIEND!!!!  Jax was my friend and somewhere along the way he became more.

 friends with benefits made us laugh four a very long time.

It was harder telling my Mom I was in love with a man than it was to tell her I  was gay. In September, Jax and I will have been married 15 years.  We have had some interesting, trying, joyful times, we have gotten through them all.  Life is a little bit easier when you are on the Journey with Your Friend. your best friend.

Blogging101 has created a monster by teaching me about links, pingbacks, blogrolls, inspiration, and embedding.

Get Inspired By the Neighbors

Today’s assignment: write a post that builds on one of the comments you left yesterday. Don’t forget to link to the other blog!

I am finding much humor as I learn.  I am finding this humor in things I read and in the knowledge that I am a lot dumber than I ever imagined. Yesterdays assignment was to leave comments on 4 blogs I have never left comments on before.  I thought, “How easy is this going to be?” Haha, Not so easy. I did not remember where I left my comments and therefore had to begin today with searching for them. I did manage to find 3 out of the 4 comments.

Yesterday, I first had to find the blogs I wanted to comment on.  I thought this would be the simple part as I have a lot to say about a lot of things.  I probably read half a dozen blogs before I found one I wanted to comment on.  I can’t just comment.  No! that would be too painless.  I have to really relate to what I have read.  My comment needs to mean something to me.  The blog needs to “touch” me in some way.

I started with looking up blogs that pertained to anxiety.  I couldn’t really find anything that I wanted to comment on, so I moved onto depression.  Nothing really clicked with me so I went to OCD.  Wham!!!! I found so many blogs I wanted to comment on.  I should have started with OCD because when I first read the assignment I thought “4, comment 4 times?  I can do this as 4 is my magical number.”

This is the comment I left that I chose to expand on, and where I left it. You mean the DSM was written about me  My assignment today (blogging101) was to leave comments on 4 blogs I have never commented on before. You are #2. I picked you because much of what I have read here I can relate to. The only major difference so far is our opinion on the colors of your gym. Purple and yellow are my favorite. We can learn from our differences and I am all about learning. I will definitely be back to read more of what you have to say.

When I think of OCD, I do not think of myself and my thoughts and behaviors.  I think of Monk and his life altering obsessions, compulsions, and phobias.monk_wallpaper_1280x1024_6  My compulsions and obsessions are so unlike Monk.  OCD is just part of who I am.  Something I have been learning to live with my whole life. I always knew something wasn’t quite right.  I have spent forever hiding my compulsions and adapting to my thoughts and behaviors.  Yesterday after reading many blogs about others OCD, I realized how very unique OCD can be to each person.  The one thing I did identify with was public bathrooms.  I despise public bathrooms.  I don’t have a germ phobia like so many others, I just truly hate public bathrooms. It is the touching.  I hate touching things that are not my own.  I must say the Walmart near me is pretty awesome.  I had to use their bathroom in an emergency once.  I was greatly impressed.  I did not have to touch a single thing in that bathroom.  Well I did have to touch the toilet paper but in my mind, that was okay.  It would be flushed to never never land.  Never to be seen again.  The toilet flushed on its own, the water at the sink turned on when I put my hands under the faucet, it shut off when I was done, and I could easily dry my hands.   I touched nothing.  Okay, discussing my bathroom habits is not where I expected this post to go.  But Walmart’s bathroom is my OCD heaven.  If a bathroom could be described as heavenly Walmart’s would be it.

I think the point I was trying to make is that everyone’s obsessions and compulsions can be exclusive to them.  I loved watching Monk.  He had it bad. Very bad.  Watching him helped me feel better about my own obsessions and compulsions.  Although mine did greatly interfere with my life, for the most part I was able to manage it.  I grew up with it.  It was “normal” to me.  I don’t even like the idea of calling it a disorder.  OCD-like thoughts and behaviors works much better for me.  There have been times in my life where these thoughts and behaviors have been out of control.  A few years ago I had had absolutely enough. I was already in treatment for depression, but felt I needed more.  I knew depression was not my only issue. If I truly wanted to be okay, I would have to address this OCD-like crap as well. l found that the more the depression lifted, the more anxious and obsessive I became. I consulted a psychiatrist to see if he could offer any help.  I went well prepared.  I brought my therapist with me and I had my thoughts, behaviors, and compulsions written out so I would be unable to forget a thing.  I ended up with medication and a behavior modification plan.OCD

I am always learning new things about my obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviors.  I swear the less depressed I become the more I am able to see me.  Recently, my psychiatrist decreased my meds that may or may not have been helping with the OCD.   I quickly learned how important the meds really were to me. I originally thought that they helped me better manage the thoughts and behaviors.  Little did I know but they actually lessened the thoughts and therefore the behaviors abated.  I found this out after the decrease in meds.  I went batshitcrazy.  I was completely out of my mind.  I had chronic, obsessive, meddlesome, sometimes disturbing thoughts at all times.  It was most bothersome while in the car. I did have tools to help me combat these thoughts, but none that I could use while driving.  Being the good mental patient I so strive to be, I actually developed a tool that works in the car.  A favorite Journey song came on the radio.  Although it was cold and snowy, I opened my sunroof, cranked the radio up real loud, and was able to distract myself from the disturbing, intrusive thoughts. They turned into less disturbing, less intrusive, more joyful thoughts.

I have spent much of my life controlled by OCD.  It constantly interfered with my life.  Well today Life interfered with IT.  I learned that writing about OCD can trigger OCD in me. I had stuff to do today. Stuff that I refused to allow OCD from affecting.  So I walked away from writing this post.  I got in my SUV, opened the sunroof, and cranked the radio.  It did not distract me as well as it has in the past as I was missing the snow and the cold, but it helped enough that I was able to get my life stuff done.  I was then able to return to this post and obsess over it some more. I mean finish it.  ocd-cycle

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