My first thought when I saw todays Blogging101 assignment was “Nope, not going to do it.” The assignment was to develop a regular feature for your blog. I still don’t know what my blog is going to be about, how do I come up with a regular feature? I instantly saw the point to creating a regular feature your followers could look forward to, but I had no idea what mine could be. So instead of trying to do the assignment, I decided to sit down and just write. Little did I know, but as I wrote I realized I was coming up with my very own feature. I do not do many things well, but one thing I do execute well is venting about life. So, maybe once a week, or every other week, or every month I will vent about life in an appropriate way. Not only will this fit nicely with the goal I sort of have for this blog, but it will mean I completed todays assignment as well.
I was trying to describe how I felt. I do not like the expression “It is just a bad day”, but if I did use that expression, yesterday would have been the day. Nothing unusual happened to make it a bad day. It just didn’t feel like a good one.
The day started by my waking up rather early. 6:40 a.m. to be exact. Hubby was still home and getting ready for his day. Although waking too early might be the start of a bad day for some folk, it was actually the start of what I thought would be a good day for me. I got a kiss goodbye from hubby. I never get them as I am usually still asleep when he leaves for work. So waking up too early was a not such a bad start to the day. Getting an extra kiss from the one that I love changed that around for me.
The day went on like any other day. I took care of my daily living type of stuff (coffee, tooth brushing, dressing, etc.). I even remembered to eat and take my fish oil. I am always forgetting to eat. Therefore forgetting the supplements that go with it. My beagle was good. Resting comfortably, and waking only when he needed to pee or eat. Such a great beagle he is.
A very long time ago I made the decision to limit my caffeine intake. I don’t remember why I did this, I just know that I drink 2 glasses of iced coffee every morning then switch to water. Today having woken much earlier than usual, I had ample time to drink more. And drink more I did . This was a mistake.
I had only 1 real responsibility this day and that was my therapy appointment. The rest of the days obligations were regular every day ones. Nothing too special. Today felt different. My thoughts were racing and obsessive. I had so much I wanted to do and I wanted to do it all RIGHT NOW!!!! Feeling like this is not unusual for me. It is actually pretty normal. I haven’t felt like this in a few weeks or more. I haven’t felt like this since the Doctor put my OCD medication back up to where it never should have left.
On the drive to therapy, I did one of my new favorite things. I turned on my heated leather seat, opened the sunroof, and cranked the radio. I do this to distract myself from any meddlesome, unrelenting thoughts I may be having. And Oh Boy, today I was having them. None of my newest favorite songs came on the radio, but an older one did. I found myself singing along to City Of Angels by…. haha it is not
City of Angels although those songs and movie are nice. It was Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers. I am a horrible singer, one of the worst, but when you are in your car alone, it does not matter if you can sing or not. You just sing!!!! The singing, cold air, and loud music helped. It did its job. The bothersome thoughts went away long enough for me to figure out what it was I was actually feeling. I was feeling “CROOKED”. It was the only way I could think to describe what it was I felt. I did not know what crooked meant, but that was okay. I was on my way to therapy. The perfect place to figure everything out.
I ended up learning one thing in therapy this day. It was a lesson I have learned so many times before. Remember earlier when I mentioned my 2 glasses of iced coffee. In therapy I became aware AGAIN of why I limited it to 2. Any more than that and I become wired. Totally out of control. Manic even. Racing, continuous, intrusive thoughts. The cool thing is that years ago, before I “woke up” from my latest bout of depression, feeling like this would have been horrifying to me. I would have thought, “Oh my Goddess? What the heck is wrong with me? Do I need a medication change, more therapy, possible hospital Timeout? This is never going to change. No one can help me. I will always feel this way.”
Not Today!!!! Today I used skills I have gained. Some skills have been taught to me by parents, friends, teachers, television, strangers on the street, etc., while others I figured out on my own. Today I used the experience of distracting myself from the obsessive, chronic, never ending thoughts that I was able to figure out that I am okay!!!! I took a step back and looked at what was really going on with me. I simply drank too much coffee. The let down I will eventually feel after the coffee wears off will go away. I will not become overwhelmingly sucked into the deep depths of depression like I have in the past. I will not become all consumed with these incessant, perpetual thoughts. I will be OKAY!!!!
If I experience a bad day, maybe it is just that, simply A Bad Day. I just have to do what I can to make sure that 1 bad day does not turn into 2. Today I can do that by 1) only having 2 glasses of iced coffee 2) using the know-how I have gathered from living life and 3) by venting about my bad day. One of the very first things I learned in blogging 101 was what a text widget was and how to use it. I wrote “I love to laugh and I love to vent. I use both of these things when dealing with life. I guess, maybe I will try to put laughter and venting together and see what happens.” I do believe I did well with the venting part today, not too sure about the humor though. What do you think?