anger | life as seen by me

I did it. I want to shout off the mountain top, “I FREAKIN’ DID IT!!!!”

I will try to make a long story short.

An unexpected not so good thing happened today. This thing led to what I would describe as an even worse thing, but not devastatingly bad. Manageable bad. My hands shook while attempting to use the rarely used cell phone,

First call was AAA. I just used these guys last Saturday so I am a pro with them. Despite quivering fingers, I did well with their phone system. The next call was to my therapists office. Easy one. Well it became easy after the first number I dialed was a wrong number. Just say hello and ask for his extension here. No need to deal with a computer. You know, low tech, they have people. People you can actually talk to and get to know.

In my mind’s eye my 1st message to Dennis was panicked. I could not remember my cell # , and rambled on about how “with my old therapist I had not missed an appointment and here it is Day 3 with you and I cancel…. WTF”

I stopped.

I put my phone down

I took a big sip of water.

I took a deep breath.

I called my therapists office back and left my cell phone number with them. I then took another good deep long full breath and drank some more water. The phone rang and it was Dennis. I don’t think I’ve mentioned him yet. He has the best voice. I thought my Doctor had a good voice when it came to helping people calm down, but Dennis’s is even better. Hearing his voice and easily rescheduling my appointment continued the calmness I had started to feel.

Instead of feeding the all too well-known anxiety and anger, I took a few more breathes. I realized this was the perfect opportunity to take a suggestion of my new therapist. I did something Dennis mentioned. Listen to how your body feels. Feel the feelings. It doesn’t just happen right away, but eventually I am able to let these feelings go. The first time I tried it with Roy, I thought “yeah, right, just let it go, so simple yet so wicked hard” But I have been practicing this with less important life crap. When I really needed it to, It worked. Surprised even me.

I had the calm time I needed to realize, “there is not a darn thing I can do to fix this situation. I will miss my appointment no matter what I do. It is so out of my control. I can either focus on the bad of the situation or try to find some good. I thought it would be fun to try to find some good in this life crap. So I chose that.

I spent some of my time chatting with the Veterinary Tech I had just spoken to. I laid down on the green grass and felt the warm breeze. I drank some water. I thought, “I should come back and steal some of their lilacs.” Eventually I met D.J. and Rich. Turns out Rich knows my husband, knew exactly who I was talking about when I mentioned ‘the beagles guy’, and did everything in his power to take care of me. And take care of me he did. My car will be ready today by 5.

I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. Part of the fun is figuring out why things happen? It’s not often that I am able to figure it out, but when I do, it can make me smile.

Maybe my pleasant attitude and conversation turned D.J.’s day around. Maybe my expression of appreciation to Rich, on GM’s Appreciation Day I might add, made him rethink quitting his job, leaving his wife, and moving to Alaska. Maybe someone who was passing by, saw me lying in grass, and it made them think “yes, I need to relax too.”

I forgot the point of why I started writing. I will end with, despite having a lifetime of mental health issues, I am okay today. I am not great. I am not perfect. It can be a struggle, but I can be okay.

I just realized my goal today was to answer this question, “If there was one thing you could tell people about your experience with mental illness, either in a family member, friend, or yourself, what would it be?” Thank you Shirley’s Heaven.

Every day I get a reminder to feel gratitude. Today I am grateful that I took the extra time to make myself look presentable. I was expecting a simple trip to therapy, not running into the whole Chevy dealership.

I am going to go watch my humming birds.