Numbers ruled my life. Now I take medication.
I’ve been Wicked obsessing again. I can’t really focus on random obsessive thoughts today because it is so much more than just thoughts right now. My brain feels like a family size pot of Obsessive Thought Soup, anxiously simmering on the wood stove. OTS should not be confused with LPS or Llama Poop Soup which in itself can be obsessive, but is a completely different kind of soup.
Okay, my most prevalent recent obsessions are as follows….
- obsessing over never having finished Photo101. Life got in the way of that and it was put on the back burner.
- Obsessing over last weeks Photo Challenge (Close-Ups if you missed it).
- Obsessing over this
- all those other things.
- And now I am Obsessing over how many cooking references I can accidentally have in one post.
I tried sitting with the thoughts and letting them go. I tried distraction as a way to rid myself of these thoughts. Old negative coping techniques no longer work so I shall not even go there. I could verbally rant, but I don’t feel like bothering anyone else with my batshitcrazy way of thinking right now. Maybe if I take each named obsession one by one and rant a bit, they will lessen. If I do this right, I should be able to rid myself of these obsessive thoughts, complete Obsessive Thought Thursday (maybe a day early even), do some work on Photo101, and release from my mind the other close-ups I’ve been obsessing over.
I do believe I am feeling an increase in anxiety which may be causing an increase in obsessive thoughts which definitely is causing more anxiety which leads to compulsions…………….OR did the obsessive thoughts start first which led to the elevation of anxiety which led to more obsessive thoughts which in turn led to compulsions……………All I know is I am obsessing. Other coping skills did not work, so right now I am attempting to rant them away by writing. I shall write those obsessions right out of me. Write and rant about obsessions in order to rid myself of those same obsessions. Is this making sense to anyone???? I think I may have confused even myself. I refuse to add to the anxiety by starting to obsess over the # of times I just wrote “right” and “write” or obsess over those run-on sentences I let stay.
Ah, I just took a break for breathing. Breaks for deep breaths are good AND I completely forget about them almost all of the time. How come the stuff that is the best for me when I obsess and feel anxiety are the last things I remember to try? If I didn’t mind bothering other human beings, the very 1st thing they would have told me to do is BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Each and Every One of them would have said in a firm, yet tender voice, STOP and BREATHE!!!! and not in a loud voice either. I have been doing very well with firm, yet tender prompts. “No, buts, just STOP and BREATHE.” They may have to repeat it. And possibly repeat it again, but it helps.
Time to stop ranting and writing and hit save. This breathing thing is calming me down. I am obsessing less and think that I just might be able to stop writing for now and maybe eat supper. Who cares when I finish Photo101? I can’t just pull photo’s out of my
ass, I mean hat, to match the subject of the assignment in the order they are assigned. Look at this past weeks weekly challenge. It just happened to be close-ups. To start, I went looking for close-ups. After I published my 1st attempt, close-up opportunities kept popping up everywhere. Inspiration can come from anywhere.
Day Seven of Photo101 Big & Point of View. Ah screw it. I am feeling better. Less obsessive, and no anxiety. I am no longer obsessing over finishing Photo101. I also did tomorrow’s regular weekly feature today. So that leaves time open tomorrow to work on last months Photo101 assignments. and I forgot my 5:32 PM Ativan again. So here’s to Obsessing or to Not obsessing. I much prefer not.
No, I did not do last weeks OTT .
I did not forget.
In fact, I thought about it a lot.
I just didn’t do it. So there….
I did work on a draft called
Driving Lessons, but it needs much more work and a lot more editing. I will post it when I am completely and totally satisfied with what I end up with. I have found that if I just sit down and write, things flow quicker, better, a bit easier. I am better off not thinking when I write. There is always time to edit so it makes a bit of sense later. So, I am sitting and working on today’s OTT. Not thinking, just doing. Obsessive Thought Thursday for those who don’t remember or never knew. Trying not to think about obsessive thoughts while writing about obsessive thoughts can be tricky. I have faith in my ability to handle it.
An intrusive thought is an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate.
Okay,,,,What do you call those intrusive thoughts that are an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or idea that starts as pleasant? Some of my intrusive thoughts are not specifically unpleasant until they become obsessive. Like yesterday I had the thought that I had to get pictures of some flowers before they disappeared. I considered it an intrusive thought because I was busy with something else and didn’t have the time to take a picture. Not stopping what I was doing to take a picture, and the thought would take over my brain until I could not stand it anymore. I would be unable to concentrate on anything but those damn flowers. Taking a picture would have helped this thought leave my brain. Noticing pretty purple flowers is a pleasant thought, until it becomes an unpleasant obsessive thought.
Luckily, I have a lifetime of experience with intrusive thoughts. My experience is that if I deal with them head on, acknowledge them, talk about them, write about them, take some sort of appropriate action, they may go away. Medication helps too. Odd, as I write this I came to the realization that another thought I have been experiencing lately might be nothing more than a regular intrusive thought (according to the description I found). One of the unpleasant ones though.
Now I wonder, what came first? The chicken, the egg, OCD, MDD, GAD???? I am pretty sure it was the chicken. This recent unpleasant, unrelenting, intrusive thought might not be the reemergence of depression. As I initially thought. It just might be the OCD kicking up a bit.
So, where does that leave us???? With the knowledge that by writing, talking, sharing, expressing, feeling, etc. I will be okay. Now that I really think about it or not think about it, maybe intrusive thoughts for me are not truly intrusive until they become obsessive. Just a thought.
Damn, another thought. Should someone with diagnosed OCD even be writing? Never mind writing about OCD, writing in itself can become obsessive. I can hear my husband’s voice in my head, “Just freakin’ hit Publish!!!!”
I have managed to find someone other than myself to blame for my inability to get my weekly feature published on time.
My husband is to blame. He has had an extra day off each week this summer which totally messes up what day I think it is. Therefore it is his fault I cannot write about obsessive thoughts on Obsessive Thought Thursday. I do not know when Thursday is.
So glad we got that squared away from the beginning. I continue to challenge OCD in some way every day. The more I challenge it, the more I reinforce the fact that it is okay to do something once. The more times I eat three skittles at a time instead of four or 2 cookies instead of four, and nothing bad happens, the more I believe nothing bad will happen. The more times I successfully challenge this disorder, the stronger I feel. And No, not every challenge is a successful one. Twice recently while in a store, I had an incredible increase in anxiety which was directly related to an opportunity to challenge the OCD. I felt it in my body, just like my new Therapist wants me to. I can hear him now, “What does it feel like?” “Easy, It feels like I am going to puke.”
We have been experiencing a lot of ‘firsts’ the last few weeks and I am happy to note that in no way could I make them into fourths. It was stuff like the 1st time you peel and cut up potatoes without saving some pieces for the beagle. The 1st time you forget your water when leaving the house and realize you can go back in without disturbing the dog. There is no dog. The first time you cook and realize there is no dog to step over no matter where you move. The first time you sit in your dog’s favorite spot on the loveseat and realize just how comfortable it really is. The first time you have sirloin tips for supper and realize there is no one to share the juice with. The 1st time your husband leaves when the dog would normally ‘think’ he shouldn’t and you both realize he doesn’t have to sneak out of the house anymore. The 2nd time you sit in your dog’s spot on the loveseat, only this time you recline back, totally enjoying how comfortable you truly are and think, “that little shit has had the best spot in the house for 15 years, and I can see the TV better from over here.” Done with firsts for now.
Okay, O.T.T., obsessive thoughts, Thursday, No its Sunday, Obsessiveness, you started this Saturday…. Lately, I have found myself obsessing over depression. I have been obsessing over being aware that the depression may or may not be trying to get back in control of my head. I am obsessing over doing everything I can possibly do to stop the depression from taking over my brain. I am thinking this might not be a bad obsession.
Because I am constantly on the look out for signs that depression may be returning, I see the signs rather quickly. I see them before they can get a hold on me. I can then do what I need to do to prevent it from getting worse.
For example, I have been neglecting my blog. I enjoy my blog, I have fun with my blog. The more I neglect my blog, the less joy and fun I have and the easier it is for depression to strengthen itself inside me. There is more room for it to grow.
Sometimes depression tries to sneak up on me in other ways. It likes it when I feel irritable and get snippy with my partner. I know this, I am aware of this, I can apologize for this and not do it again. Depression hates it when I do this, it loses power. One thing depression loves is alcohol. If I have to do something that makes me extremely anxious it wants to convince me that it will be easier to do with a drink.
It will be better with a drink. To someone with a history of depression, alcohol is just FFD (Fuel For Depression). Depression lies. It lies to me all the time. You don’t need to eat today. You will only get fatter. Eat tomorrow. Depression wants to be that gut wrenching, motivation sucking, all-consuming monster it has been in the past. And if that means lying to me, that means lying to me.
Today is different though. I have had time away from that major, debilitating, dark depression. I like to think I have used that time wisely. I have been able to work on ‘other stuff’. I have learned how to get through some incredibly anxiety provoking situations unscathed. I have learned and am still learning that unpleasant feelings just are. Everyone has them. If I feel them and let them be, they will change or leave altogether. The more I fight unpleasant feelings, the stronger they become. Which opens the door for depression. I need to allow myself to feel stuff like fear, or sadness, or even anger. That way when I feel things like joy, peace, and happiness, I will enjoy them that much more.
I do not know where I am going with this story and I barely know where I’ve been, so my suggestion to Myself is to end it here.
I missed Obsessive Thought Thursday again. This time I completely and totally forgot about it. It wasn’t until Friday that I even thought about Thursday. This could very well be a good thing. Maybe I am forgetting about it because I am not having constant, unrelenting, obsessive, intrusive thoughts.
I made homemade chocolate chip cookies on Thursday. The number totaled 1 cookie short of 5 1/2 dozen. I thought about the number briefly. I was okay with having such an odd number. I did not stress over having that odd number. I did think about it, but I thought more about the fact that I was okay with the odd number. In the past I would have had to figure out how to get a much better total number of cookies. In fact I would have started my baking with the final number in mind. I would have made some cookies bigger or smaller to get to a decent final number.
12 cookies per sheet = 24 cookies each time I put the sheets in the oven. That gives me 24 each time. If I squeeze three extra cookies onto each sheet each time, that would give me 30 cookies which is closer to 32 than 24. Then I only have to worry about 2 cookies not 6. I do this twice and I end up with 60 cookies. This is much closer to 64 than 48. 48 is not a bad number it is just not as pleasant as 64.
If I do this 2 more times, which is 4 times, I end up with 120 cookies. 8 more and I have 128 total. That is a great number. Very easy for me to work with. I did not do any of this. Yes, the number of cookies was always in my mind, but it did not bother me too much or cause increased anxiety in me. I did count the cookies as I baked them, but my only goal was to bake a lot of cookies. The total number I ended up with did not matter to me. I just wanted a lot of them.
I sat and I pondered. I felt. I sat and felt whatever it was I was going to feel. I felt okay with this number. I liked the number better when I called it 1 short of 5 1/2 dozen, but 65 was okay too. Eat one and I am at the magical number of 64. I did not do this. Instead, I thought about how cool it was that I was feeling absolutely no anxiety over the number of cookies I baked.
Yes, I thought about the number of cookies, but that is okay. It may have even been normal to want to know how many cookies I ended up with. I have been obsessing over numbers since I knew what numbers were. I can’t expect to completely forget about them all at once.
What do I attribute this amazing feat to? A few things come to mind. Medication being number 1. Without the proper medication, I would not have the opportunity to even attempt to challenge my obsessions and compulsions. But, medication did not fix me. It helped me. It gave me the ability to really take a look at the obsessions and compulsions that were left. With medication, the battle of challenging the OCD seemed possible. A battle I believed I could finally maybe win. I had hope that I could beat this illness. Before medication, I was completely controlled by the obsessive thoughts and behaviors.
Many of these compulsions had become habit. I never thought about putting 4 ice cubes in my drink, I just automatically did it. I learned in childhood that if I did not do things in 4’s, I would feel uncomfortable. When I got older I learned that this uncomfortable feeling was called anxiety. I learned that I could prevent or lessen this anxiety by doing things in 4’s.
So although medication has helped me, I have had to do a lot of hard work as well. I have had to force myself to do things differently. I have had to be willing to experience those uncomfortable feelings I’ve been trying to avoid my whole life. I am challenging OCD and I am winning. Each and every time I challenge it, I get a bit stronger.
Day Eleven of Photo101: A Pop of Color and Last Thursdays OTT
Life has gotten in my way recently. I am trying to get myself back into this Blogging thing. Also, I missed O.T.T. again last Thursday. I did think about it. I just didn’t do it. I am also wicked far behind in Photo101.
So today, Monday, I am going to combine O.T.T. with photo101. I am going to challenge my OCD by getting back into my assignments, but I will mix things up a bit and do the assignments out-of-order. I obsessed a bit when taking pictures of this Pop of Color I found. A bit more when it came time to edit. But, It was not to the point that I felt out of control. Just some minor anxiety that was easily managed.
This is progress. The big test will be whether I can stick with doing the assignments out-of-order. Please note that there are 3 pictures. Not 4 (down from 8). This is a big deal to someone with my kind of OCD.
Now that I think about it, had I ventured down to the water I could have taken care of Day Seven: Big & Point of View as well. Next time I will go to the bottom of the dam and look up.
I have done it again. Or not done it depending on how you look at it. I have been 100% distracted by life this past week or so. I thought about writing my Feature yesterday, but chose to lay down on my couch and rest instead. I have even neglected Photot101 as well. I hope to catch up with that this weekend.
What has me so distracted that I am neglecting my blog, You ask? I have been taking notes for a future story I may or may not write. That story might be about euthanasia. I only have notes so far, so i do not know where the story will lead me. I have experienced euthanasia 3 times. The first time I barely remember. The second time upset me. It is the third time I may write about. The third time was so very different from the first two.
So this is all you get for my Fridays version of Obsessive Thought Thursday. I am so very sorry I could not get you to laugh today.
This picture was originally published in Serenity Found Me, but it works so well for todays post.
I totally was obsessed with other things that day therefore i completely forgot about my feature Obsessive Thought Thursday (OTT). Please forgive me and as punishment (yours and mine), I will post my latest song obsessions. Once in my head, they will not leave. Hope they do the same for you.
at least there are 4 of them….
someone said “that is the spirit” and wham this song got in my head
this creeped in on its own
very old, constantly and forever in my brain obsession
very new obsession that just started today. I should have the lyrics memorized shortly
This Obsessive Thought Thursday is certainly not turning out to be what I envisioned. Today I got nothing. No obsessive thoughts. Don’t cry, this is a good thing. This means that the medication could be working. Although medication is only a small part of my recovery from OCD. Practice at challenging my compulsions is a big part of it as well. I have my own ice cube challenge. For weeks, I have been practicing putting only 3 ice cubes in my coffee or tea. Down from my norm of 4. Today I can honestly say that I don’t need 4 ice cubes anymore. 3 is okay. I do not stress out at the odd number. Great Progress!!!!
But only when it comes to ice cubes. My next challenge is to eat three cookies. I know it is hard work, but it must be done. I haven’t thought about the light switches in my house for weeks. Until last night. I was able to go to sleep without checking their position. More progress. Excuse me for a second.
Okay I am back. and I must say…. Damn they were in the wrong position!!!! and are now fixed…. A bit of anxiety when I saw that they were not correct, but nothing I can’t handle. I may or may not have to keep checking them, but I am voting for not. I will be okay…. Damn, I wish I believed that. Anywho….
Back to compulsions. This clothespin thing has been really bothering me lately. I have tried them in numerous positions. I have come to two conclusions. They are best when positioned in random and utter chaos or if I get caught up in my obsessions, four 4’s. I tried two 8’s and one 16, but am most comfortable with the four 4’s.
So that ends todays OCD lesson from my point of view. Be sure and return next week for who knows what????
I took the clothes off the line one day My husband took them off another day.
I have been diagnosed with OCD, he has not.
Which one of us left the clothespins which way?
My guess is that you guessed wrong.