I totally forgot again

I have managed to find someone other than myself to blame for my inability to get my weekly feature published on time.

My husband is to blame.  He has had an extra day off each week this summer which totally messes up what day I think it is.  Therefore it is his fault I cannot write about obsessive thoughts on Obsessive Thought Thursday. I do not know when Thursday is.

So glad we got that squared away from the beginning.  I continue to challenge OCD in some way every day. The more I challenge it, the more I reinforce the fact that it is okay to do something once. The more times I eat three skittlesimage at a time instead of four or 2 cookies instead of four, and nothing bad happens, the more I believe nothing bad will happen.  The more times I successfully challenge this disorder, the stronger I feel. And No, not every challenge is a successful one. Twice recently while in a store, I had an incredible increase in anxiety which was directly related to an opportunity to challenge the OCD.  I felt it in my body, just like my new Therapist wants me to.  I can hear him now, “What does it feel like?”     “Easy, It feels like I am going to puke.”

We have been experiencing a lot of ‘firsts’ the last few weeks and I am happy to note that in no way could I make them into fourths. It was stuff like the 1st time you peel and cut up potatoes without saving some pieces for the beagle. The 1st time you forget your water when leaving the house and realize you can go back in without disturbing the dog. There is no dog. The first time you cook and realize there is no dog to step over no matter where you move.  The first time you sit in your dog’s favorite spot on the loveseat and realize just howMattNoMoreFirstsWords comfortable it really is.  The first time you have sirloin tips for supper and realize there is no one to share the juice with. The 1st time your husband leaves when the dog would normally ‘think’ he shouldn’t and you both realize he doesn’t have to sneak out of the house anymore. The 2nd time you sit in your dog’s spot on the loveseat, only this time you recline back, totally enjoying how comfortable you truly are and think, “that little shit has had the best spot in the house for 15 years, and I can see the TV better from over here.” Done with firsts for now.

Okay, O.T.T., obsessive thoughts, Thursday, No its Sunday, Obsessiveness, you started this Saturday…. Lately, I have found myself obsessing over depression.  I have been obsessing over being aware that the depression may or may not be trying to get back in control of my head. I am obsessing over doing everything I can possibly do to stop the depression from taking over my brain. I am thinking this might not be a bad obsession.

Because I am constantly on the look out for signs that depression may be returning, I see the signs rather quickly. I see them before they can get a hold on me.  I can then do what I need to do to prevent it from getting worse.

For example, I have been neglecting my blog.  I enjoy my blog, I have fun with my blog.  The more I neglect my blog, the less joy and fun I have and the easier it is for depression to strengthen itself inside me.  There is more room for it to grow.

Sometimes depression tries to sneak up on me in other ways.DepressionStronger  It likes it when I feel irritable and get snippy with my partner.  I know this, I am aware of this, I can apologize for this and not do it again. Depression hates it when I do this, it loses power. One thing depression loves is alcohol.  If I have to do something that makes me extremely anxious it wants to convince me that it will be easier to do with a drink. It will be better with a  drink.  To someone with a history of depression, alcohol is just FFD (Fuel For Depression). Depression lies. It lies to me all the time. You don’t need to eat today. You will only get fatter.  Eat tomorrow. Depression wants to be that gut wrenching, motivation sucking, all-consuming monster it has been in the past.  And if that means lying to me, that means lying to me.

Today is different though.  I have had time away from that major, debilitating, dark depression. I like to think I have used that time wisely.  I have been able to work on ‘other stuff’.  I have learned how to get through some incredibly anxiety provoking situations unscathed.  I have learned and am still learning that unpleasant feelings just are. Everyone has them.feelingsEmotions  If I feel them and let them be, they will change or leave altogether. The more I fight unpleasant feelings, the stronger they become. Which opens the door for depression.  I need to allow myself to feel stuff like fear, or sadness, or even anger. That way when I feel things like joy, peace, and happiness, I will enjoy them that much more.

I do not know where I am going with this story and I barely know where I’ve been, so my suggestion to Myself is to end it here.

THE END

Advertisements

Thursday Already ????

This Obsessive Thought Thursday is certainly not turning out to be what I envisioned.  Today I got nothing.  No obsessive thoughts.  Don’t cry, this is a good thing. This means that the medication could be working.  Although medication is only a small part of my recovery from OCD.  Practice at challenging my compulsions is a big part of it as well.  I have my own ice cube challenge. For weeks, I have been practicing putting only 3 ice cubes in my coffee or tea.  Down from my norm of 4.  Today I can honestly say that I don’t need 4 ice cubes anymore.  3 is okay.  I do not stress out at the odd number. Great Progress!!!!

But only when it comes to ice cubes.  My next challenge is to eat three cookies.  I know it is hard work, but it must be done.  I haven’t thought about the light switches in my house for weeks.  Until last night.  I was able to go to sleep without checking their position.  More progress.  Excuse me for a second.

Okay I am back.  and I must say…. Damn they were in the wrong position!!!! and are now fixed….  A bit of anxiety when I saw that they were not correct, but nothing I can’t handle.  I may or may not have to keep checking them, but I am voting for not.  I will be okay…. Damn, I wish I believed that.  Anywho….

44sBack to compulsions.  This clothespin thing has been really bothering me lately.  I have tried them in numerous positions.  I have come to two conclusions.  They are best when positioned in random and utter chaos or if I get caught up in my obsessions, four 4’s. I tried two 8’s and one 16, but am most comfortable with the four 4’s.

So that ends todays OCD lesson from my point of view.  Be sure and return next week for who knows what????

I Really can turn it around

I did it.  I want to shout off the mountain top, “I FREAKIN’ DID IT!!!!”

I will try to make a long story short.

An unexpected not so good thing happened today.  This thing led to what I would describe as an even worse thing, but not devastatingly bad.  Manageable bad.  My hands shook while attempting to use the rarely used cell phone,

First call was AAA.  I just used these guys last Saturday so I am a pro with them.  Despite quivering fingers, I did well with their phone system.  The next call was to my therapists office.  Easy one. Well it became easy after the first number I dialed was a wrong number. Just say hello and ask for his extension here.  No need to deal with a computer.  You know, low tech, they have people.  People you can actually talk to and get to know. 

In my mind’s eye my 1st message to Dennis was panicked.  I could not remember my cell # , and rambled on about how “with my old therapist I had not missed an appointment and here it is Day 3 with you and I cancel…. WTF”

I stopped.

I put my phone down

I took a big sip of water.

I took a deep breath.

I called my therapists office back and left my cell phone number with them.  I then took another good deep long full breath and drank some more water.  The phone rang and it was Dennis.  I don’t think I’ve mentioned him yet.  He has the best voice. I thought my Doctor had a good voice when it came to helping people calm down, but Dennis’s is even better.  Hearing his voice and easily rescheduling my appointment continued the calmness I had started to feel.

Instead of feeding the all too well-known anxiety and anger, I took a few more breathes.  I realized this was the perfect opportunity to take a suggestion of my new therapist.  I did something Dennis mentioned.  Listen to how your body feels.  Feel the feelings.  It doesn’t just happen right away, but eventually I am able to let these feelings go.  The first time I tried it with Roy, I thought “yeah, right, just let it go, so simple yet so wicked hard”  But I have been practicing this with less important life crap.  When I really needed it to, It worked.  Surprised even me.

I had the calm time I needed to realize, “there is not a darn thing I can do to fix this situation.  I will miss my appointment no matter what I do.  It is so out of my control.  I can either focus on the bad of the situation or try to find some good.  I thought it would be fun to try to find some good in this life crap.  So I chose that.

I spent some of my time chatting with the Veterinary Tech I had just spoken to.  I laid down on the green grass and felt the warm breeze.  I drank some water.  I thought, “I should come back and steal some of their lilacs.”  Eventually I met D.J. and Rich.  Turns out Rich knows my husband, knew exactly who I was talking about when I mentioned  ‘the beagles guy’, and did everything in his power to take care of me.  And take care of me he did.  My car will be ready today by 5.

I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.  Part of the fun is figuring out why things happen?  It’s not often that I am able to figure it out, but when I do, it can make me smile.

Maybe my pleasant attitude and conversation turned D.J.’s day around. Maybe my expression of appreciation to Rich, on GM’s Appreciation Day I might add, made him rethink quitting his job, leaving his wife, and moving to Alaska.  Maybe someone who was passing by, saw me lying in grass, and it made them think “yes, I need to relax too.”

I forgot the point of why I started writing.  I will end with, despite having a lifetime of mental health issues, I am okay today.  I am not great. I am not perfect. It can be a struggle, but I can be okay.

I just realized my goal today was to answer this question, “If there was one thing you could tell people about your experience with mental illness, either in a family member, friend, or yourself, what would it be?”  Thank you Shirley’s Heaven.

Every day I get a reminder to feel gratitude.  Today I am grateful that I took the extra time to make myself look presentable.  I was expecting a simple trip to therapy, not running into the whole Chevy dealership.

I am going to go watch my humming birds.

he attacked my husband’s bright yellow and red shirt, so we gave him 2 brand new feeders. now we have 2 birds and boy do they fight.

 

99 followers on the wall….

You are following this blog, along with 99 other amazing people.

Cool 1 more human and I hit a true 100.  Who’daThunkIt ?  I was happy with my husband and friends reading this.

Much has changed since I started this blog in February 2015.  It says my first post was in January, but that is a lie. That was my last post for writing 101. It is kind of long, but that was part of the assignment. For some reason it got posted for January instead of May. It didn’t take me too long to find it as I am a proud graduate of Blogging 101 and have learned so much about blogs.

The winter was horrible.  I will write about how horrible it was soon.  I spent much of the winter expecting my very old beagle to cross.  Once spring truly arrived, he stopped acting like such an old man.  He still sleeps a lot, but is walking better and his cough has subsided.  I even caught him playing with a tennis ball.

It’s been roughly 4 months since I really started writing.  I had not planned on writing this much when I started.  I also have been writing about things I did not expect to be writing about.  I blame blogging 101 and writing 101 for this.  I highly recommend both these classes and look forward to my next one.  I am totally serious when I say I learned a lot about blogging and writing.  I’ve met some incredible people and been exposed to some fabulous writing as well.

On the home front, things have not changed too much.  I do have a new TV and camera.  Speaking of cameras, I am slowly trying out Photo Challenges.  Its rare that I don’t have something to say. If it does happen, I have these challenges to keep my blog busy and fun. It also opens up a whole new bunch of folk to meet.  Plus I love taking pictures.

One major change I should make note of.  I am better at trusting my gut when making tough decisions.  The only way I have gotten better at this is by practice.  Lots and lots of practice.  I am learning to listen to me.

So here’s to 99 WordPress followers !!!!  Thank you for hitting that button.

May 7th O.T.T.

I am going to stick with Obsessive Thought Thursday for a bit.  and not allow it to morph into How My Mind Works Wednesday at this time.

The start of tonight’s dinner conversation.  Well I didn’t really bring it up. I just thought about bringing it up.  I thought “the kitchen light switches were not in the right positions.”

To him, the light switch closest to you is the one you flick. Up or down. It does not matter. To me, well I have rules.  Up is on, down is off.  Very simple rules yet they means so much.  Pre medication, finding the light switch in the up position would have caused anxiety and an increase in compulsive behavior. Today, I noticed it was wrong, felt a twinge and thought about it for a while.  I did not obsess.

Now that I think about it, the chances of me finding the light switches in the wrong position probably would not have happened pre medication.  If it did happen, it would be a very rare occurrence.  The OCD crap would not have allowed me to let the rules be broken in such a manner.

Seeing as though it is an hour later and I am still occasionally thinking about the light switches, tells me that this particular obsession is not one I am willing to challenge at this time. It will go on the list. There are plenty of others I can work on. The number of words in this post for one.

Day 17 what do you fear?

Day Seventeen: Your Personality on the Page. Today’s Prompt: We all have anxieties, worries, and fears. What are you scared of? Address one of your worst fears. Today’s Twist: Write this post in a style distinct from your own

.

haha No commas!!!!  I have been afraid of so many things for so long it is hard to pick just one.  But I will. I fear losing My Home

.

Right now.  I have My Home.

It is me.  My partner.  My beagle.

I have had other similar homes.  Some included my partner and beagle.

Others did not.

This is My Home.  I am content here.  It is peaceful.

Life can be hard.  I do it anyway.

It is quiet here.  I can hear me.  I can hear you.  I can hear my partner.

I do not always understand him.  I know this.  I listen anyway.

I can hear my beagle.

Today.

He has less to say.  He still talks.

I listen to it all and to nothing.  I hear the quiet.  The noise is gone.

I fear the noise will return.

I am vigilant.

I could easily lose my home if the noise returns.

My goal.

Listen.

Do not let the noise get loud.

who or what will inspire me next?

I was taking a day off from writing.  I was gonna do nothing, but maybe read a bit.  Yah Right.  I read a friend’s blog post.  I left a reply to that friend.  This is my reply.

Sorry I do not have any questions about the hospital, but do need to know more about the chair room.  I have never heard of such a thing(It’s been 2 years since I was last in hospital).

Who pays for it? If the insurance pays, how is it billed to them? Who originally thought this “room” was a good idea? Is it just the hospital you went to that has it or are there many similar ones across the country? Could you have left if you chose to? I’m sure if I thought longer I could come up with many more questions, but right now I just have 1 left. Well It is more of a statement.

There is something seriously wrong with the mental health system in this country if you spent 2 days in a chair because there was no bed available to you.  I’m not saying they need more beds, I am saying they need to figure out a way to need less beds. Obviously something is not working somewhere. And don’t look to other countries for answers.  Their systems are different but just as messed up. I think they need to listen to us.  The ones who need the beds.

I was taking a day off from writing and look at me go. Thank you Lily. I just might have to go back to my blog and vent about this.  Oh look I already did vent 😀

I hope you have as good a day as you are capable of having.

I kind of have the feeling this is not going to be the end of me talking about “the chair room” and just think I wanted to get drunk and forget today was even happening.

Take that depressive brain!!!!  I beat you today!!!!

Reach for the Mother Fin' sky

Reach for the Mother F in sky !!!!

 

word on page 29

Day Fourteen: To Whom It May Concern

Today’s Prompt: Pick up the nearest book and flip to page 29. What’s the first word that jumps off the page? Use this word as your springboard for inspiration Today’s twist: write the post in the form of a letter.

There are just so many different uses for the word.  It has had quite a history and I am sure a very fine future.  It has been used as titles of movies, a magazine, and music albums.  There is a whole series of books and many working in the crash test field.  The word that jumped out of me on page 29 was dummy.  I chuckled as I realized I could definitely work with that.  The definitions I am going to focus on is a stupid person; idiot; jackass; moron; and to keep silent; refuse to answer; as in ‘dummy up’.wpid-images-7-jpg

Hey dumbass,

haha I laugh at you today.  Did you really think you could get rid of me forever.  You know I may leave temporarily but I never go far.  You are a true idiot if you think that just because I have been gone so long this time that you start to think I could never return. I am here to remind you of me.  Remind you of what I can do.

What a moron you can be sometimes.  You were getting too smaht there for a while.  I had to change things up a bit. I came at you working with agitation and irritability this time. Wasn’t I the smaht one? Remember, I always return. I may look different sometimes, but I guarantee it is always me. 

I may have stayed away too long this time though. You had time to work on other things. Get better in other ways. Find more support. I am very powerful and will always be able to make you do what I want. I am sneaky and unrelenting.

Have as much fun as you can for now.  Because I am coming back.  I am coming back stronger than ever.

– See you soon – Your depressive brain

Hey Jack ass,

Guess what. The jokes on you. I see you coming.  Too much time has passed.  I had time to do things. Time to change things. The biggest thing I have done was become more aware.  So aware that I already see you messing around with my sleep.  You are trying to fool me by doing it slowly, but I am not fooled.  I can see it happening.  So guess what?  I did not dummy up this time.  When I saw you playing with my sleep this month, I got voice to talk about it.  I and other folk are aware of what you are trying to do. They all know.  They are all watching.  We have ways to make you lose control of sleep. When we sleep, you lose your power.  We are not letting you get so out of hand that you get strong this time.  We will stop you and stop you now. 

We are no longer the dummy you thought you had to work with.  I played it smaht. I learned new skills, tried new things, became more courageous, and voice worked with mouth to open up. We have the power to kick your dumbass.

Bring it on Depressive brain this is the new and improved, strong, mighty, healthy brain you are messing with this time.  And, I have control of voice. Boy, she has loved talking.  I almost forgot, we found hope too.  We found her and we are not letting go of her this time.

real world conversations????

Today’s Prompt: Write a post inspired by a real-world conversation. Today’s twist: include an element of foreshadowing in the beginning of your post.

This oughta be a trip and a half. When was the last time you over heard a real life conversation? You rarely leave your house and the beagle stopped talking months ago. Those beagle conversations were pretty interesting while they lasted. Must be the medication. Or maybe the beagle is tired. Hmmmm, Tired? What a fabulous word that is.

Nobody likes me everybody hates me I think I’ll eat some worms.

I don’t think they realize how they sound. If they could hear themselves talk, would they continue with their conversation? I think not. But they can’t hear themselves talk so they continue. On and On. Go eat some worms I say. Or think. I can’t say that as that would be politically incorrect. I am so tired of hearing those words. Politically Incorrect? What exactly does that mean? Politically Incorrect by whose standards?

The same thing every day. Day, after day, after day. You’d think they would bore not just me, but themselves as well. You’d think they would come up with something new by now. You’d think the whole world had OCD the way they repeat themselves day after day after day.

You use to be like them. You don’t even know how much you use to be like them. You just did not have anyone available to listen to you. You did not have the whole world to listen to you. Well, maybe not the whole world, but a big chunk of it anyway. The difference is the Internet. Today they have the Internet. You didn’t have the Internet when you were stuck like they are. You only had your small teeny weenie world of people to torment. Today they have the cosmos, should the cosmos choose to listen.

Yesterday was a bit different. It was Michael. He talked to you. Michael doesn’t talk much. Well, he doesn’t talk about himself much. He is so unlike others you have met. He is funny as hell, but he hurts. You know he hurts. He just doesn’t piss and moan about it all the time. When he talks, you really need to listen.

And listen you did. You listened to his pain, his torment, his hell. You may not have experience with his particular illness, but you are familiar with what it is telling him, what it is making him feel, what it is making him think. You have been there. You have heard it, felt it, thought it.  You know what he is talking about. You have a decision to make. You can cajole him and say crap like, “It’ll get better.” “You will not feel like this forever.” “Your feelings will change.”  That is what they would have told you.

That is not what you needed to hear. That is not what helped you. That is not what made you feel better. Fine then, try this, “You say you are tired of acting like everything is alright, you are tired of pretending, you are tired of hiding. You are tired. No problem. STOP!  Stop acting as if everything is okay. Stop pretending. Stop hiding.  JUST FRIGGIN’ STOP!  Yes, you are tired. This illness can be infuriating. It can be exhausting. I understand that. If you are that tired then stop. STOP!!!! JUST STOP!!!! Tell someone in your real life exactly how you feel, exactly what you are thinking, exactly what is going on. No one can help you if they do not know the truth. If they do not know what is really happening. If they do not know what you are really thinking. If they do not know what you want to do.

You need to rest. You need a break. You need to get It to stop. You have a good life. People are jealous when they look at your life. You have a beautiful wife, a nice house, an awesome car, and a great pack of dogs. They do not know about your illness. They do not know what it tells you.  They do not know how it makes you feel. They do not know the battle you fight every day. EVERY DAY. You have had good times. You have had times where the illness was not in charge. You have been happy. You can be happy again.

Haha I just put 3 ice cubes in my coffee. 3, not 4. Take that mental illness. I will beat you. But I can’t beat you if I don’t know about you. I can’t beat you if others do not know about you. I can’t beat you alone. I need help.  I need people. No one can help me beat you if they don’t know anything is wrong.

You can be happy again. I know, that is so not what you want to hear. There is really nothing you want to hear. You’ve heard it all before. The illness is so strong in you right now. It is so loud. It is almost completely in control. But that is almost. ALMOST. Not totally and completely, ALMOST. It is never really over until you take that last breath. Even then it may not be over. They can always bring you back. They can always stick a tube down your throat. Force air into your lungs. Do you really want to go through that again? Do you really want to put your wife through that pain again? You were so close last time. So close, yet it did not work. It should have worked. Yet it did not. Have you ever wondered why?

You say you are ready. You say it is time. You say you are done. You don’t come right out and say it, but we all know what you mean. Do you say this or does the illness say this? Who is really talking? You? Or the illness?

Maybe they are not ready for you. Maybe it is not time? Maybe you are not done? Maybe you need to try again?

Maybe a soul that hasn’t even been born yet needs you. Maybe you need to go through what you are going through to help that soul go through what they are going to have to go through. Maybe that soul will change the world. Maybe that soul will be unable to change the world unless you are there to help them do it. Maybe you need to rest. Maybe you need a nap. A regular nap. Not a forever nap. Maybe you need a person who is destined to come into your life tomorrow. Until then, nap.  You will be less tired if you nap.

Domesticated Momster

  

 

A not so funny O.T.T.

 

Okay I did not expect to be writing about obsessive crap so soon.  It is only Friday.

My husband calls every day on his lunch break. He does not miss a day.  Some times he may be a bit late, but he does call.  every day  Sometimes I can’t wait for the call and I call him. Today I waited for the call and waited and waited and waited some more. Finally I called him.  He did not answer.

and it starts.  well it already started. This is just when I became aware it was starting. I speak of anxiety.   

He always answers why did he not answer???? why did he not call???? what happened to him???? why can’t he call???? was that a noise outside???? is someone here to tell me something is wrong???? Why hasn’t he called???? where is he???? What has happened to him???? He should have returned my call by now,should I call him again???? It is almost 2 he should have called….There it is again the noise outside….  The dog has been a bit off today too.  Wonder if he’s okay????It is after 2 maybe I should call????What if I call and he does not answer????What do I do then????yes I already have him dead and buried, but maybe he is just at the hospital and can’t call????  if he lost his phone he would find another so He can’t call !!!!l why can’t he call???? what is stopping him from calling???? Damn I could use an Ativan but if I take another I wont be able to drive and get salad for dinner…. we wont need salad for dinner if something happened to him!!!! what could have happened to him????  Okay I am gonna call.  where’s the damn phone????  things have been going way too good lately. what is wrong???? 

This has officially become unfunny.  So unfunny that I may not include it in next weeks obsessive thought Thursday. It is just not funny. Even when I find out what happened, it will remain unfunny.  I did take another Ativan so I will not be going to buy salad so at least that decision has been made.  Maybe my rational side can take over for a bit????  If something bad happened to him, someone would have called.  They would notice if he was missing and go find him.  They would take care of him and they would call me.  No doubt in mind that they would call. So nothing can be wrong.

He would call….Why hasn’t he called ???? Damn this is exhausting me!!!!

Unless something really big happened and no one can call.  Oh Man!!!!  The news, I should turn on the TV.  DISTRACT SELF MUST DISTRACT SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay I distracted self by calling doc and trying to make appointment for 6 month follow-up.  Been needing to do that anyway. They will call me back when an agent is available WTF!!!! Distraction doesn’t even work right.  Breathing wont help…. I’ll do it anyway.

NOPE, NOT HELPING….

Distract more!!!! must distract more!!!! the doctor called back…. of course they put me on hold???? I had them call me back so I could avoid being on hold wtf.  BREATHE JUST BREATHE  I hate this on hold music it totally sucks…. why can’t I hear the byrds or ed sheeran???? I would go to YouTube and listen, but then I wont be able to hear them talk on the phone,,,, it would be better music,,,, but would I not hear them…. if they ever come back???? I’m gonna do it anyway.

Got off hold funny, I already had an appointment???? 330,,,, that will put me right in prime traffic time….now I don’t think I like the time….traffic on way home wtf !!!!I can’t see me making an appointment at that time????  I got confused and flustered while on the call. I wonder if I can call back and get an earlier time???? I will have to call….Okay, back to where I began again,,,, where I was before…. DISTRACTION,,,, I am again waiting for doctor office to call back so I can fix the time of appointment unfortunately when phone rings,,,, I will hope it is husband…. why did I choose this as a distraction???? To feel hope moron!!!! if the phone rings there is hope!!!! You will feel it even for a second.  Hope is Hope!!!! 

and it rang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caller ID just said Husband WTF,,,, no one was there…. hang up!!!! maybe he will try again…. and he did!!!! let it ring twice then answer;;;;  It is him!!!! he said hello!!!!  hahahahahahahaha !!!! he ate lunch early got distracted, forgot to call, and did not know what time it was. he is forgiven.

anxiety gone.  skills used were not wicked helpful, but attempt was made to use them.  You can breathe now.  Talking with doctor office much easier this time too. Not so confused when talking to them.  Not as flustered. hmmmmmmmm???? Does anxiety also cause confusion???? I never thought about that before.

You acted so calm and cool when talking to hubby.  You were breathing again.  He does not need to know about this at all.  No, not right. You don’t hide things.  You can’t hide things.  You did do great job of not calling Mom and freaking her out as well. Plus you might hit publish instead of Trash this time. Then he will read it anyway. Best you tell him now and make it sound funny.

Okay. Now looking back, it is sort of funny in a warped kind of way.  It is different from the past.

You know what is happening when it is happening, you know it is anxiety. 

YOU KNOW YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!!