Pictures for O.T.T

Who’s Who????

I took the clothes off the line one day  My husband took them off another day.

I have been diagnosed with OCD, he has not.

Which one of us left the clothespins which way?

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I will add that the one on the left is maddenning

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sometime utter chaos is comforting

My guess is that you guessed wrong.

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To People who Work With the Mentally Ill

this was very well written, so true, and needs to be heard.

A Journey with You

I have said it over and over again, that when I am experiencing symptoms of schizophrenia, the only person I truly trust is my husband.

The first time I was psychotic, I trusted my brother, but it has been a long time since we have lived in the same city so I don’t know if that would be true today.

I have found that being able to trust someone when I am experiencing symptoms of schizophrenia is crucial to being able to live with those symptoms, or even better, to overcome those symptoms.

Trust is difficult for someone with paranoid schizophrenia though.

I learned the hard way that telling people about my symptoms is not always in my best interest, in fact, it can be used against me.

I was once in an abusive relationship, and I would tell my boyfriend things about my illness. He used those details against…

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Unprepared for today’s O.T.T.

Or was I?

Thursday kind of snuck up on me this week.  I haven’t been all that obsessive this week.  Thoughts or otherwise. I have been busy.  I have been challenging myself more and more.  Like 3 ice cubes instead of the normal 4. I have plenty of saved up obsessive thoughts stored on this computer. So I am going to go with one from a few months ago.

Uh  Oh !!!!  I wicked want to shave my head !!!! and yes I am getting to the point of obsessive about it…. Do I mention it to hubby???? yes,,,,talk about it then maybe it will go away…. His haircut looks nice….I just got my haircut but I DIDNT get it shaved….I want shaved….we should talk about it before I just go and do it .  Not like I haven’t done it before….One of the 1st night we worked together we got bored and he was involved with my original head shaving….or maybe it was his day off….I would need to get big earrings as Mom will say….if I did it????Oh Look I can do it for charity

We did talk about it.  I did not do it.  Talking and writing helped it go away.

 

Part 3 of serially lost challenge

Lately I’ve really been really concentrating on the conversations my husband and I have. We always end up laughing or shaking our heads smiling. WARNING!!!! Laughing and smiling can be contagious in a grocery store.

I felt happiness today. The phone rang and it was my husband telling me he was coming home early. I could only describe my feelings as joyful. Not to shabby for someone with a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.

The not so good part, I had to pick him up at the Chevy dealer who just fixed my SUV. His car needed some tender loving care. Like mine just got.

So, maybe my car broke down when it did so it would be well enough to transport my husband to work because his car broke down. And because my car broke down, I met some wonderful people and because I met these wonderful people, I am convinced that it is time to say goodbye. Good bye to Parker, my 10-year-old SUV.

I think this post just turned into the third of my Loss/ Found / Lost and Found serial challenge for writing 101. First Major Loss as an adult human is Part 1. Third Time’s the Charm. I never did finish that assignment.

So, I look toward a future loss. The loss of a good friend. It is time to say goodbye to Parker. We traveled 102,338 miles together.  The time has come for her to sit on a lonely used car lot or a make a quick trip to the junk yard. She needs more help than I am willing to give.

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when we cleaned her out, we found Parker ate 2 lighters, 3 umbrellas, and a boatload of pennies. funny, I have never purchased an umbrella

Parker was a tease. She truly had it all. Power everything. Including seat adjustment. Which when a certain button was pushed would warm your little behind. Meeting Parker was not planned. Her predecessor got hit by a tree and passed young. This was the day I truly understood the phrase “car wrapped around a tree.” I want to talk about my experience with black cars versus my experience with white cars. But I don’t know how to do it without making someone angry. I know, I’ll talk about red cars instead.

I wish I could leave color out of this, but it is important. Everyone has heard, “Oh No don’t get a red car, they are cop magnets.” My husband and I both experienced red cars and we came to the same conclusion. A high rate of speed is a better cop magnet than the color of the car.

To me loss has always meant change. I have never done well with change, therefore it makes sense that I would do poorly with loss. Acceptance is the key for me. Funny how I can make that sound so simple. I don’t just accept change, I fight it tooth and nail.

I need to be reminded that there are some things I have no control over. I need to remind myself that I do have a choice. Fight a losing battle or take a moment and relax. Think about whether there is anything I can do. Look at all options. After taking a bit of time to relax, I am able to see things clearer.

Maybe this change will not be as bad as I think it will be. It might even end up being a good thing. I won’t know until the loss and change actually happens. Now that I think about it, accepting change is a lot more pleasant than fighting it. The more practice I get at it, the better I will be at it.

102,338 miles versus 16 miles

102,338 miles versus 16 miles. you choose

So this story was supposed to be about some of the very odd conversations I have with my husband.  Ah yup, that was the plan. Things don’t always turn out the way I expect.  Sometimes they turn out better. So we are off. Off to look at a Grape Ice colored car. Definitely not the one I want, but most likely the one I need.

I managed to find humor in this whole life thing after all. The first call we got after trading in Parker was from the salesman who just sold us Ice Ice Fanta, “Have you had any trouble starting the Equinox with this key?”

“Ah nope.  Not since we just put $501.15 into her for a new starter an oil change.

I’d call this new car purchase very, very good timing.

16 year old me, Listen Up!!!!

If you could have a guarantee that one, specific person was reading your blog, who would you want that person to be? Why? What do you want to say to them?

I realize you are 16 and will probably not believe a word I write, but everything you read here is true. You will learn how important honesty becomes to you.  You may not be able to see it now, or in 5 years, or 10 years, or even 20 years, but you can and will be okay. I know this because I am you and I am okay.

You will have struggles.  A lot of struggles.  But you will make it through these times.  I know because I am where you will eventually be.

You will make plans.  Many plans.  Some of these plans of yours will work out well.  Others will not.  You will learn that some of your plans were not right for you.  You will make what you think are the best plans possible only to find a detour that leads to something better. Do not stop planning just because your plans do not work out as planned.

The most important things I have to tell you is this, Never give up trying, Never give up hoping, Never give up learning and Never, Ever lose your sense of humor.  I may be telling you these things, but you know them already.  You just don’t know you know them.  If you didn’t know these things, I would not be here today telling you about them.

You will lose things over the years, only to find better things.  I wish I could be more specific, but I need to leave you with some surprises.  Speaking of surprises, your life will be full of them.  Some will make you laugh some will make you cry. Some will make you say, “You’ve got to be kidding me!”  They will all make you who I am today.

Lessons.  My goodness, lessons.  You will have so many of them.  You may have to learn some things over and over again until you get them right.  Sometimes you will even say to yourself. “How many times does this have to happen before I get it right?”  That will be your clue that you got it right and can move on to the next lesson.

I don’t want to get into a discussion over good versus bad, but I must warn you.  Great things will happen to you only to find out how not so great they really are.  Along with that, be prepared for some not so great things to happen.  I will tell you this much, some of those not so great things turn into the best things ever.  Again, I wish I could be more specific, but if I tell you too much, you might avoid some of those painful things that make me who I am today.

You won’t believe me now, but someday you are really going to like who you have become.  You will be happy with who you are, but not so completely happy that you stop striving for more.

It is not going to be an easy road, but you will do okay. One thing that never changes is your uniqueness.  You are and always will be considered unique. Some may see it as being a bit off, but being a bit off is what makes people love you.

There are so many things I want to tell you not to do, but I won’t.  I can’t. That might change who I am today.  One thing I will tell you is this, when you quit smoking the first time, don’t start again.  The me of today would greatly appreciate it.

One last thing, something you should do more often is listen to your gut.  The more practice you get at going with your gut, the more you will learn to trust it.  This will come in very handy when you hit my age.  By the way, it has been 30 years as I write this, so listen up. I know what I am talking about.

I Really can turn it around

I did it.  I want to shout off the mountain top, “I FREAKIN’ DID IT!!!!”

I will try to make a long story short.

An unexpected not so good thing happened today.  This thing led to what I would describe as an even worse thing, but not devastatingly bad.  Manageable bad.  My hands shook while attempting to use the rarely used cell phone,

First call was AAA.  I just used these guys last Saturday so I am a pro with them.  Despite quivering fingers, I did well with their phone system.  The next call was to my therapists office.  Easy one. Well it became easy after the first number I dialed was a wrong number. Just say hello and ask for his extension here.  No need to deal with a computer.  You know, low tech, they have people.  People you can actually talk to and get to know. 

In my mind’s eye my 1st message to Dennis was panicked.  I could not remember my cell # , and rambled on about how “with my old therapist I had not missed an appointment and here it is Day 3 with you and I cancel…. WTF”

I stopped.

I put my phone down

I took a big sip of water.

I took a deep breath.

I called my therapists office back and left my cell phone number with them.  I then took another good deep long full breath and drank some more water.  The phone rang and it was Dennis.  I don’t think I’ve mentioned him yet.  He has the best voice. I thought my Doctor had a good voice when it came to helping people calm down, but Dennis’s is even better.  Hearing his voice and easily rescheduling my appointment continued the calmness I had started to feel.

Instead of feeding the all too well-known anxiety and anger, I took a few more breathes.  I realized this was the perfect opportunity to take a suggestion of my new therapist.  I did something Dennis mentioned.  Listen to how your body feels.  Feel the feelings.  It doesn’t just happen right away, but eventually I am able to let these feelings go.  The first time I tried it with Roy, I thought “yeah, right, just let it go, so simple yet so wicked hard”  But I have been practicing this with less important life crap.  When I really needed it to, It worked.  Surprised even me.

I had the calm time I needed to realize, “there is not a darn thing I can do to fix this situation.  I will miss my appointment no matter what I do.  It is so out of my control.  I can either focus on the bad of the situation or try to find some good.  I thought it would be fun to try to find some good in this life crap.  So I chose that.

I spent some of my time chatting with the Veterinary Tech I had just spoken to.  I laid down on the green grass and felt the warm breeze.  I drank some water.  I thought, “I should come back and steal some of their lilacs.”  Eventually I met D.J. and Rich.  Turns out Rich knows my husband, knew exactly who I was talking about when I mentioned  ‘the beagles guy’, and did everything in his power to take care of me.  And take care of me he did.  My car will be ready today by 5.

I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.  Part of the fun is figuring out why things happen?  It’s not often that I am able to figure it out, but when I do, it can make me smile.

Maybe my pleasant attitude and conversation turned D.J.’s day around. Maybe my expression of appreciation to Rich, on GM’s Appreciation Day I might add, made him rethink quitting his job, leaving his wife, and moving to Alaska.  Maybe someone who was passing by, saw me lying in grass, and it made them think “yes, I need to relax too.”

I forgot the point of why I started writing.  I will end with, despite having a lifetime of mental health issues, I am okay today.  I am not great. I am not perfect. It can be a struggle, but I can be okay.

I just realized my goal today was to answer this question, “If there was one thing you could tell people about your experience with mental illness, either in a family member, friend, or yourself, what would it be?”  Thank you Shirley’s Heaven.

Every day I get a reminder to feel gratitude.  Today I am grateful that I took the extra time to make myself look presentable.  I was expecting a simple trip to therapy, not running into the whole Chevy dealership.

I am going to go watch my humming birds.

he attacked my husband’s bright yellow and red shirt, so we gave him 2 brand new feeders. now we have 2 birds and boy do they fight.

 

A not so funny O.T.T.

I do not understand why when I post some things they get posted on a different day than when I posted them.
Yes, I wrote most of this post awhile ago, but never finished it until today. Why it is being posted out of order, I do not know.
This is the 2nd time this has happened to me. If anyone has an answer, I would greatly appreciate it.

life as seen by me

Okay I did not expect to be writing about obsessive crap so soon.  It is only Friday.

My husband calls every day on his lunch break. He does not miss a day.  Some times he may be a bit late, but he does call.  every day  Sometimes I can’t wait for the call and I call him. Today I waited for the call and waited and waited and waited some more. Finally I called him.  He did not answer.

and it starts.  well it already started. This is just when I became aware it was starting. I speak of anxiety.   

He always answers why did he not answer???? why did he not call???? what happened to him???? why can’t he call???? was that a noise outside???? is someone here to tell me something is wrong???? Why hasn’t he called???? where is he???? What has happened to him???? He should have returned my call by now,should…

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Household task? wicked funny question.

What’s the household task you most dislike doing? Why do you think that is — is it the task itself, or something more.

This is such an easy question for me to answer.  All of Them.

Growing up the bathroom was my responsibility.  Yes, we had responsibilities when I grew up.  Every week the bathroom was to have a thorough cleaning by me.  Top to bottom and everything in between was to sparkle.  If my Mother had to ask me to do it, she only had to ask once.

My room on the other hand was a mess.  I just couldn’t keep it clean.  I lived in total clutter.   The beginning scenes of the original Odd Couple always reminded me of my room.  Oscar’s room was my room.  At some point my Mom gave up on me keeping in clean. It was an impossible feat.

Once a year, my room would be neat. I mean immaculate neat. One bedroom was small, one was big. So to keep it fair we swapped rooms every year.  I would spend 1-2 days going through my old room.  Sorting, finding, throwing, a years worth of stuff.  Every thing would have its place in the new room.  I would love the way the new room felt.  Eventually it slowly turned back into the old room.  I liked this too.  It felt comfortable.

Eventually I grew up.  I was responsible to keep my places clean and neat as I had roommates. I did the minimum.  My private room was my place.  It never got as bad as it did when I was a kid, but it was forever far from neat.

Today, my kitchen is clean.  The laundry gets done often. The rest of the place gets cleaned when I notice it getting dirty.  Chores are too much of a chore.  Dust bunnies must be present before I sweep. Sometimes I can not see the dirtiness.  Luckily my husband is around to notice when things might be growing in the dust.  At least he can find a bit of humor in my severe lack of motivation.

I do have a goal.  Make a list of chores that need to be done and cross them off slowly one at a time.  Eventually it will all get done and I can start all over again.

99 followers on the wall….

You are following this blog, along with 99 other amazing people.

Cool 1 more human and I hit a true 100.  Who’daThunkIt ?  I was happy with my husband and friends reading this.

Much has changed since I started this blog in February 2015.  It says my first post was in January, but that is a lie. That was my last post for writing 101. It is kind of long, but that was part of the assignment. For some reason it got posted for January instead of May. It didn’t take me too long to find it as I am a proud graduate of Blogging 101 and have learned so much about blogs.

The winter was horrible.  I will write about how horrible it was soon.  I spent much of the winter expecting my very old beagle to cross.  Once spring truly arrived, he stopped acting like such an old man.  He still sleeps a lot, but is walking better and his cough has subsided.  I even caught him playing with a tennis ball.

It’s been roughly 4 months since I really started writing.  I had not planned on writing this much when I started.  I also have been writing about things I did not expect to be writing about.  I blame blogging 101 and writing 101 for this.  I highly recommend both these classes and look forward to my next one.  I am totally serious when I say I learned a lot about blogging and writing.  I’ve met some incredible people and been exposed to some fabulous writing as well.

On the home front, things have not changed too much.  I do have a new TV and camera.  Speaking of cameras, I am slowly trying out Photo Challenges.  Its rare that I don’t have something to say. If it does happen, I have these challenges to keep my blog busy and fun. It also opens up a whole new bunch of folk to meet.  Plus I love taking pictures.

One major change I should make note of.  I am better at trusting my gut when making tough decisions.  The only way I have gotten better at this is by practice.  Lots and lots of practice.  I am learning to listen to me.

So here’s to 99 WordPress followers !!!!  Thank you for hitting that button.