figured something out????

When I first started this blog, I had no idea what to do or where to go with it.  All I knew was that I felt better when I wrote shit down.

Here we are roughly 6 months later….

  1. I have taken blogging101
  2. writing101 came next
  3. then Photo101
  4. then Life got in the way

I became obsessive over completing Blogging101.  See my history and you might understand why.  I learned so much from this course.  I was wicked new to blogging and I was learning stuff that a woman of my age should know.   widgets, image widgets, feature, Know your audience, INSPIRATION…. COMMUNITY!!!!

I did not expect or have any clue that starting a blog came with such a fantastic community.  I am very grateful I was led to WordPress.  Yes Lily Pup you are to blame for that.

After Blogging101 came Writing101.  I am proud to say I did well with this class.  The obsession I had during Blogging101 was not present.  Damnitall.  I read a blog post recently where the writer talks about swearing, I’ve been swearing ever since.  It is part of my Distinct Voice, which I also learned about in writing101. I learned so much more than I could have ever anticipated.

Writing 101 is where I received my first bit of criticism.  Maybe it was Blogging 101? It truly does not matter now.  The assignment was to write about your home.  I requested constructive criticism and I got it.  It basically said, “show me, Don’t tell me.”  Funny how one of the very next assignments was “Show me, Don’t tell me.” 

Russell J. Fellows on April 8, 2015 at 8:56 am said:

What a peaceful sounding place. I think I’ve told many people the same thing, but I want to tell you also: be more immersive in this writing. You have a lot of good description to work with, but I want to experience it through your eyes, not just through you telling me what is what. Instead of “The entrance to where I am is like a dirt road that leads you through a tunnel…” say “A road of dirt and rock leads you through a tunnel of beeches and oaks to a clearing…” or something like that. Does that make sense?

Then came Photo 101. Another great WordPress offering. I have yet to finish this course, but I have many great excuses. Life stuff took over for a while and I was unable to keep focused on learning about photography.  I still have hopes to finish this class, but will do so in my own time.

I have also been unable to keep up with my weekly feature OTT.  I have decided none of this matters.  What matters is that Today, I am doing every thing in my power to be okay.  My goal today and every day is to beat depression.  When my head tells me I am better off staying in my pajamas, I get in my clothes and do something.  When it tells me, “you don’t need a shower today”, I go out, get extra dirty, have fun doing it, and have no choice but to shower.  When someone who counts asks me How I am, I tell them the truth.  I have chosen to take the word “FINE” out of my vocabulary.

When my therapist suggested I leave little notes around my house that simply say “BREATHE”, I listened.  Now my house has little notes everywhere reminding me to breathe.  Breathing is such a simple thing to do, yet so very difficult when I need it most.  I have also learned along the way that deep breathing helps with so much more than just anxiety.  Provided I remember to do it.  The more I do it the easier it is to remember.  Everything takes practice.

So, take a minute. Stop. Just breathe. and don’t forget your blog

Duh. I almost forgot to mention what it was I may have figured out?  If blogging has rules, I do not think I can follow them. I am okay with suggestions, but I don’t believe I have any hope with rules. It has been 6 months and I still do not know what this thing is about.  I am okay with that.

3rd Leibster award nomination

I have again been nominated for an award.  I do not usually accept awards because I can not follow the rules that come along with them. I do like this award in particular because I love answering the questions that come with it. The questions become part of my “about me” category.

I was nominated by Suzanne(FindingHerVoice)

Eleven Questions For You:

1. What ultimately got you motivated to get started and how long have you been blogging? I have been blogging since February 2015.  My archives say January, but that was a minor mistake on my part.  My therapist encouraged me to write because she thought writing would help me see things clearer. She also thought that the way I was able to express my thoughts and feelings via writing might be beneficial to others.  I met a woman on a web site who had a blog. lily pups life – bipolar and recovery. She encouraged me to try one myself.  I did and here we are.

2. Do you prefer to write best in the morning or at the end of the day?  I guess I  prefer the morning.  I like it when it is quiet and no one is home but me.  I like to sit down with my iced coffee and just write. Kind of like what I am doing right now.  Thank you for helping me write today Suzanne.

3. Do you give like that it’s somewhat anonymous or do you give your blog URL the friends or family? Such a simple question that is going to get a most difficult answer.  I like that my blog is somewhat anonymous.  My husband has the key, and one very old friend. I let one friend in because I hadn’t seen her in 30 years and thought it would be an easy way for her to see what I have been doing.  No one else in my real life knows where my blog is. Although if they truly wanted to, it would not be hard to find. I have shared a few stories with a few other relatives, but am not ready to say “hey here it is!!!! Read it all!!!!  My Mom and I discussed giving her access, and we both agreed it would be better if she didn’t have it.  Some things she would prefer not to know.  When I write something I think she may enjoy, I print it out for her.

4. Did you keep a journal as a child/teen? I did keep journals when younger.  I probably still have each and every one of them stored somewhere.  Journals were different from blogging for me.  Journals were for me and me alone. I shared them with no one.  I do not know what I would have done had blogging been an option when I was younger.

5. Are you an emotional writer? Do you write more for your heart or your head? I like to think I do a little of both.  I definitely start by writing from the heart, but then my head always seems to get involved somehow. I have tried doing it the other way around, start with my head, but it just doesn’t seem to work out as well. I think my heart is a better motivator than my head.

6. Do you have more blog posts that you have begun (in draft mode) or that you have completed)?  I am going to guess and say that the number of published posts and drafts are about even.  I have one particular draft that is full of random thoughts and ideas.  I sometimes take these ideas and turn them into published posts.

7. If you could/did write a bestselling book what would it be about? I did not have to think about this question for very long.  Angels!!!!  I would love to write about angels and how I believe they have touched my life and others. Since I started this blog, I have written a bit about angels, but only published one so far. The hardest thing Evah would be my brief introduction to writing about angels. Also, I mention angels in a couple of my Relationship posts.

8. What is the best feedback you’ve received on a blog post?  All feedback I get is important to me.  I have 2 bests though.  1 would be acknowledgment that something I wrote made a difference in someone’s life.  Especially if that meant making them laugh. The other is constructive criticism.  I asked for it once so I could improve my writing. I got it and it helped me see how I could make my writing better.

9. Where do you get your ideas for your blog posts? I get my ideas from my daily life. For example, I was cutting down tree saplings in my yard and had to go to the store.  It turned into a post called Has the Future been written already ????

This must have been a good day as you can see the crab rangoons on the left This must have been a good day as you can see the crab rangoons on the left

10. What is your favourite food? This is an easy question to answer and it comes with a picture. Buffalo chicken tenders with Jojo’s.  If we have extra cash, we will get either onion rings or very special crab rangoons on the side.  The crab rangoons are very special because I will only eat them from this particular restaurant. They are 128% better than anything you might find in a Chinese restaurant.

11. What is the best advice you can give your fellow bloggers about how to get new subscribers? The best advice I have is the only advice I have.  Engage with other bloggers.  If someone likes a post of yours, visit them and see what they have written.  If you like what you find let them know that.  Even if you think their blog is just not for you, at least let them know you were there. The feeling I get when someone acknowledges something I have published is a darn good one.  I like knowing I might be able to help others feel the same way. 

Whoa.  I am done already.  That went quicker than I thought.  It took a while, but it did not feel like awhile.  Thank you again Suzanne for the nomination.  Maybe if I can ever figure out how to follow rules, I will start accepting awards.  For now, I will just have to go back and answer the question I missed.liebster-award

16 year old me, Listen Up!!!!

If you could have a guarantee that one, specific person was reading what you write, who would you want that person to be? Why? What do you want to say to them?

I realize you are 16 and will probably not believe a word I write, but everything you read here is true. You will learn how important honesty becomes to you.  You may not be able to see it now, or in 5 years, or 10 years, or even 20 years, but you can and will be okay. I know this because I am you and I am okay.

You will have struggles.  A lot of struggles.  But you will make it through these times.  I know because I am where you will eventually be.

You will make plans.  Many plans.  Some of these plans of yours will work out well.  Others will not.  You will learn that some of your plans were not right for you.  You will make what you think are the best plans possible only to find a detour that leads to something better. Do not stop planning just because your plans do not work out as planned.

The most important things I have to tell you is this, Never give up trying, Never give up hoping, Never give up learning and Never, Ever lose your sense of humor.  I may be telling you these things, but you know them already.  You just don’t know you know them.  If you didn’t know these things, I would not be here today telling you about them.

You will lose things over the years, only to find better things.  I wish I could be more specific, but I need to leave you with some surprises.  Speaking of surprises, your life will be full of them.  Some will make you laugh some will make you cry. Some will make you say, “You’ve got to be kidding me!”  They will all make you who I am today.

Lessons.  My goodness, lessons.  You will have so many of them.  You may have to learn some things over and over again until you get them right.  Sometimes you will even say to yourself. “How many times does this have to happen before I get it right?”  That will be your clue that you got it right and can move on to the next lesson.

I don’t want to get into a discussion over good versus bad, but I must warn you.  Great things will happen to you only to find out how not so great they really are.  Along with that, be prepared for some not so great things to happen.  I will tell you this much, some of those not so great things turn into the best things ever.  Again, I wish I could be more specific, but if I tell you too much, you might avoid some of those painful things that make me who I am today.

You won’t believe me now, but someday you are really going to like who you have become.  You will be happy with who you are, but not so completely happy that you stop striving for more.

It is not going to be an easy road, but you will do okay. One thing that never changes is your uniqueness.  You are and always will be considered unique. Some may see it as being a bit off, but being a bit off is what makes people love you.

There are so many things I want to tell you not to do, but I won’t.  I can’t. That might change who I am today.  One thing I will tell you is this, when you quit smoking the first time, don’t start again.  The me of today would greatly appreciate it. Actually I take that back. If you don’t start again then I don’t get to quit again. I learned so much quitting that second time.

One last thing, something you should do more often is listen to your gut.  The more practice you get at going with your gut, the more you will learn to trust it.  This will come in very handy when you hit my age.  By the way, it has been 30 years as I write this, so listen up. I know what I am talking about.

99 followers on the wall….

You are following this blog, along with 99 other amazing people.

Cool 1 more human and I hit a true 100.  Who’daThunkIt ?  I was happy with my husband and friends reading this.

Much has changed since I started this blog in February 2015.  It says my first post was in January, but that is a lie. That was my last post for writing 101. It is kind of long, but that was part of the assignment. For some reason it got posted for January instead of May. It didn’t take me too long to find it as I am a proud graduate of Blogging 101 and have learned so much about blogs.

The winter was horrible.  I will write about how horrible it was soon.  I spent much of the winter expecting my very old beagle to cross.  Once spring truly arrived, he stopped acting like such an old man.  He still sleeps a lot, but is walking better and his cough has subsided.  I even caught him playing with a tennis ball.

It’s been roughly 4 months since I really started writing.  I had not planned on writing this much when I started.  I also have been writing about things I did not expect to be writing about.  I blame blogging 101 and writing 101 for this.  I highly recommend both these classes and look forward to my next one.  I am totally serious when I say I learned a lot about blogging and writing.  I’ve met some incredible people and been exposed to some fabulous writing as well.

On the home front, things have not changed too much.  I do have a new TV and camera.  Speaking of cameras, I am slowly trying out Photo Challenges.  Its rare that I don’t have something to say. If it does happen, I have these challenges to keep my blog busy and fun. It also opens up a whole new bunch of folk to meet.  Plus I love taking pictures.

One major change I should make note of.  I am better at trusting my gut when making tough decisions.  The only way I have gotten better at this is by practice.  Lots and lots of practice.  I am learning to listen to me.

So here’s to 99 WordPress followers !!!!  Thank you for hitting that button.

More About me via a nomination

Liebster Award and Infinity Dreams Award

I choose to not accept awards, but I do find it entertaining to answer the questions. Thank you for the nomination HumaAq  We met by way of Writing101 (I highly recommend it and any class offered by WordPress. I’ve done 2 and am truly enjoying them both)

1] What accessory/item could you not do without? Okay there isn’t just one thing. Eye glasses and husband and Beagle. In that order.
2] What is your favorite meal? That is too hard of a question to answer. My husband cooks so many good things
3] What is your favorite catchphrase/go to saying?  Just Let it friggin’ Go Would Ya?
4] What would you be caught dead wearing? My blue Cape Cod Cuffy’s sweatpants and any shirt with Red Sox on it. I say shirt and not sweatshirt because I prefer a warmer New England.
5] If there was one world change (past, present or future) which you could enact, what would it be?  That no one goes homeless or hungry and that no one ever gets cold 
6] Where in the world would you like to be, right now in this moment? Right where I am.  I like where I am. But I’d rather be sleeping and not wide awake at 3:47 a.m.
7] If you could be completely honest to anyone at all, what would you say?  I usually am completely honest.  So I guess I’d say that
8] What’s the best thing you’ve ever read, heard or said (choose all, or one)?  You are not going to fall in love with a man or woman, you are going to fall in love with a human being 
9] What is the silliest thing you’ve ever done? Mowed my lawn topless.  Yes I really did that. You might ask why?  Easy answer.  Because I could.
10] Why do you blog? I’ve only been doing it 2 months, so I haven’t figured that out yet

read this only if….

….you want a better understanding of the “person” writing this blog

I have been nominated twice for this award. I also noticed one of my nominators was nominated twice as well.  She broke the rules regarding the award, so I am going to follow suit and break them as well.  I will answer the questions and I will link back to those two wicked awesome people who nominated me.  But, I do find it impossible to nominate 10 other blogs for this award because I don’t know ten other blogs.liebster-award Therefore, I will not do this part. I know a few other blogs, but most, if not all have way over 200 followers. I came across one where the guy had “You are following this blog, along with 669 other amazing people”  he started his Blog in February too.  I am glad the # of Followers I have is not a reason I started to Blog orlaughing-smiley-face-gif-facebook-secret-smileys-codes I would be so jealous. I am a tad suspicion of that one, but he does make me laugh. That is a wicked important/valuable quality.

These are the questions from the second person who nominated me, thank you tentimestea !

  1. Food you like to eat when you’re sick? that is a tough question  as I am rarely physically ill.   I do use jelly beans as a cure all when it comes to mental health though smilesmall
  2. A song that cheers you up? “This Little Light of Mine”, I don’t know why I just love when it is playing in my head. it makes me smile.
  3. What is your first career aspiration you remember having? (Or any job you wanted when you were younger) my memory is not the best.  I do not recall having  a specific career aspiration.  Looking back though my first job was my best job.  It was at a candy store.  The 1st rule I learned was “if you have never tried it you must try it, that way you can honestly tell the customers how really good it is.”
  4. Your favourite movie?  I don’t really have a favorite, but if I had to pick one it would be “The Perfect Storm”.  I lived in the area when that storm hit and remember it well.  I remember going to work the next morning and seeing boats in the road. softballfastpitch
  5. If you could be an Olympic level athlete in any one sport, which one would you choose?  None!!!! If they had women’s softball, that would be it.  I grew up playing softball.  Some of my best memories are of softball.
  6. What is your favourite day of the week, and why? Easy, Sunday.  It is Hubby’s day off during the week. We always spend it on a leisurely drive to NH. I love my drives with him. They really are a lot of Fun  hmmmm…. might be time for a roadtrip.
  7. Would you rather transform your blog into a: novel, movie, or comic book? (Each one would be an awful lot of work!) What would it be like?  I really wouldn’t want to transform this blog into anything else.  I am having an awful lot of fun with it the way it is.
  8. How do you relax when you are stressed? As long as I remember to breathe, I am pretty good at staying relaxed. or there is always Ativan if that doesn’t work
  9. Do you have a story behind the name of your blog? I have almost 50 years worth of story behind the name of my Blog.  Some are my stories, some are others, and some are totally made up (I will tell you when they are made up)



  10. Link to one of the last blog posts you read (apart from this one of course!). This isn’t the last one I read, but it is one of the betterer, more important ones. Sometimes I accidentally make up non words (betterer was not a typo) and use them as words. When reshovel becomes widely used, know that I was the 1st. 

These are the questions from the first person to nominate me.    Thank you Leni !!!! 

  1. You started blogging because,,,And what’s the story behind your blog name?  Someone suggested I write.  They thought it would help me see things clearer. I was also looking for something fun to do. A friend of mine blogged and seemed to be having fun. I just put the 2 together.



  2. What is your biggest fear?  The Death of anyone close to me.  Including my beagle  
  3. Who is the one person who you think reads most of your posts? my #1 and #2 would be my guess, they know who they are
  4. What is your favorite food and what would be your last meal on your last day? Beef, I love beef I would eat it every day if it wouldn’t kill me. A nice juicy, tender prime rib would make a great last meal, with a buttered baked potato and corn I guess if I need a veggie
  5. Dog or cat Both!!!! I’ve had dogs, I’ve had cats, I’ve had both. If pig or horse were a choice I’d say yes to them too. Provided I had the means to take care of them all properly.
  6. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? If I say both will you think me a tad loopy???? I think it all depends on how I feel, who I am with, and where I am.
  7. What is the best time of day for you for blogging and what is your favorite way to post?  I think morning is my best time. I find myself here when waking up, drinking my 2 glasses of iced coffee. I am unaware of more than 1 way too post, please share the others with me.
  8. What is the strangest place you have been in the last year? prison
  9. Would you rather travel via plane, train or automobile definitely automobile. the only experience I have had with trains is trains to Boston and I only use them when absolutely necessary. You can keep planes.  These days there is too much of a hassle to get on them. I would be willing to fly to Australia with anyone and Texas with my Mom.
  10. What will you do next after you finish answering these questions? Nothing. No, I think I will tell you that I lied in question 8 next.

I lied in question Eight – I wish it didn’t have to be #8 – I always loved the number 8 – For so many reasons

Yaz being #1 number8YAZ

A Different Kind Of Coming Out Story

This post all started because todays assignment was to make a better blogroll. I was visiting a friends blog to look at her blogroll.  Her blog led me to another blog which inspired me to write this post.  I was so inspired that I decided to do yesterdays homework over again.  See that, I used links back to their blogs. I am so learning from blogging101!  If I did everything right, those links should go to lily pups life, Lesbian Like Me, and yesterdays homework Get Inspired by the neighbors. 

Mine is called a different kind of coming out story because I have never heard of another like it.  I guess you could say I kinds “Came Out Twice”.

I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning.  I had my 1st long-term boyfriend in the 6th grade.  I don’t know how old you are then, but it was too young to engage in more than a kiss. I remember that first kiss.  I remember thinking how soft his lips were, almost like what I imagined a girls to be like.  The following year, I recall that we did engage in what I guess could be described as heavy petting. I was okay during it as we were experimenting just like we were suppose to.  When he left I did not even want to kiss him.  I felt that uncomfortable.  We broke up.

High School came a long and I spent the whole time boyfriendless. I just wasn’t interested. One night I decided I was going to lose my virginity. So that is what I did.  I was out with classmates and we were drinking.  I looked at one of them and said. “I am going to have sex with you Tonight.”  Imagine being a 17 year old boy and have an 18 year old girl telling you this.  I probably don’t have to tell you, but he said yes.

When I was around 19, enter new friends Bill and Karen . Roger and Kate. Bill was older and had a crush on me, Karen was younger and I ended up sleeping with her one day.  Just like that. This was my 1st experience with a woman, it was not Karen’s. To Me, It seemed to be the most natural thing in the world.  The next day I felt different.  All day at work I was paranoid that everyone knew I had slept with a woman.  It is all I could think about.  I never saw Karen again until maybe 15 years later, but that shall be a whole story.

When I was 20 I relocated to a different part of the state.  I was a simple country girl dropped in the middle of Sin City. No one knew me there.  I was in a somewhat serious relationship with a man at the time, but when I moved we lost touch. Everything was changing so fast for me, light dawning everywhere. I figured what the heck. why not live my life as a lesbian  The coming out process was fairly easy for me.  It involved telling my Mom, sister, and the only friend I had left.  My mom responded with, “I always thought that, I just didn’t want to mention it.” My sister said “I always knew that, I just didn’t want to say anything.” And my best friend confessed that she too was a lesbian and in love with her best friend.  See, Did I lie? I said it was fairly easy

Through the years I dated, was single, dated some more, had my heart broken, and was single again.  I went to all the Pride Parades, went back to college with Women’s Studies as my 1st course, and even took the RedEye to DC for The March On Washingtonmarchonwashington I still have my necklace marchonwashington2                            Enter Jax.

I mentioned this name before in this Blogging101assignment.  The very first thing this man ever heard me say was “who the hell is Jax and why does he have my job?”  There was downsizing going on, we had to sign up for new jobs and Jax took the one I wanted. He approached, pointed to another, and commented  “if you took that one we would be working together.”  I figured what the heck at least I would know someone in the new building.  I worked nights in an institution.  For the most part it remained quiet so the staff had a lot of time to talk and get to know one another. I might go into a ‘not so quiet night sometime, but that might take a book. I made some lifelong friends working those nights.  I eventually found the woman I thought I wanted to be with.  We knew each other as coworkers and tried to expand on that.  Our relationship moved very fast.  Maybe a bit too fast for me.  I found myself at night talking about my relationship to Jax. He in turn talked about his relationship.  We got to be pretty good friends.  One night I was talking to another coworker David about my relationship. He shocked the hell right out of me when he said,

“I do not think you are a lesbian, and I do not think you are straight. I think you are going to fall in love with a human being, a person not a sex.” -David Hoyt


Around this same time I was promoted and switched shifts. The shift change limited my time with my girlfriend.  I had a lot of time alone, to think. This is not always a good thing for me, but this time it may have been.  I thought about my life, my feelings, my relationships, my sexuality.  I was never really good at any of those things and here they all were, all at once, right in front of me.  I just knew I was not in love with my GF.  I was in love with MY FRIEND!!!!  Jax was my friend and somewhere along the way he became more.

 friends with benefits made us laugh four a very long time.

It was harder telling my Mom I was in love with a man than it was to tell her I  was gay. In September, Jax and I will have been married 15 years.  We have had some interesting, trying, joyful times, we have gotten through them all.  Life is a little bit easier when you are on the Journey with Your Friend. your best friend.

Blogging101 has created a monster by teaching me about links, pingbacks, blogrolls, inspiration, and embedding.

Introduction? of some sort

My 1st Blogging 101 assignment. The thought that is running nonstop in my brain right now is “Do I really, truly want to be doing this at this time?”  Well, here goes ????

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?  I like to talk.  I get thoughts in my head that I must write down.  Now that I really think about it, I do not think I have an answer to this Q right now.  I have a lot to say.  I believe people could learn from some of my life experience.  I like to entertain.  Maybe that is why I choose public?      I love to laugh and make others laugh.  Humor has gotten me through some very tough times.  I depend on humor.  It is very important to me.  If something I say makes someone smirk, smile, or laugh, wicked cool.
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?  I know very little about relationships, but would love to write about what I do know?  This winter totally affected my ability to laugh and drive, so I think I might want to write about that?  I have a lot of experience feeling feelings, I might be able to write a bit about that?  Did I mention I was a tad on the kooky side?  I don’t know, that might make a fun topic?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?  Maybe a few members of the human race.  I absolutely do not know.
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?  I have an ongoing goal to make people laugh. If I can do that using this blog, very cool/magnificent/outstanding/astounding/marvelous/phenomenal/terrific/awesome.  I also wouldn’t mind educating a person or two. You never know?

I think I am done writing for now.  I love honesty, so I must be honest.  Starting with a lie just isn’t the opening I was looking for.  I completely forgot about signing up for Blogging 101.  For some very strange reason I have also failed to check my email for almost 2 days.  I am already behind and haven’t even started yet.  So that is it for my starting point  I guess.  Now if I could only push the damn publish button.

A Bit About Me

My name is Emily (not IRL) and the best way I can think to describe myself is that I am a very honest, relatively nice person with a great sense of humor, but mess with my Friends and I can become unpleasant. Some people love me for my honesty some hate me for the same reason.

I have had OCD since I was a small child. Nothing too bad, but I was unquestionably obsessive. If I didn’t do things a certain number of times or the right way, the Anxiety would kick in. I have suffered from Depression since about age 16,  but was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder.  I remember being a teenager and saying to myself  “I will never worry like my Mom.” Boy was I wrong.   The GAD diagnosis came as an adult.  I experienced some alcohol and drug addiction days. At one time Bipolar and ADHD were thought to be a problem as well.  I’m not sure if the BPD was ever a diagnosis or just phases I went through. Charming!!!!  Writing this is making me feel ancient and a bit baffled. perplexed2

I have tried virtually every medication available for Depression. I’ve been labeled ‘treatment resistant’. Through a lot of hard work and a lot of help and support, I have experienced some relief from Depression.  Unfortunately, when “I woke up” this last time, the Anxiety seemed to surge. Today I battle Anxiety, OCD, and have a lot of new feelings to get a handle on.  Including feelings of nothing.  I do believe that feeling nothing is better than those horrible, gut wrenching feelings of Depression.   I am still learning.  I recently had an alarming experience that ended with a Conversion Disorder diagnosis.  It was either that or a dreadful medication interaction?  The Doctors disagree.  It doesn’t really matter, because I choose to listen to all of them and do exactly what they all say.

Today I find myself taking life one feeling, one problem, one appointment, and Seamusbarooone barking beagle at a time. 

I ended writing here.  I’ve come back to it a few times, but had nothing to add.  I was stuck.

Today I figured out what to do.  It just came to me.  It became a meddlesome, obsessive thought, but it was one of the good ones.  I will end my story.

I know what I am going to write about.  It will be about how a young happy child went from being a scared, confused, lost little girl to the strong, grateful, somewhat independent woman she is today.  I do not know what I will write about or when I will write, but I will write.  I may not write every day, or every week, or even every month, but I will write.  Someone I trust suggested that if I record my thoughts, I might be able to understand more and figure things out a little better.  One thing I have learned in my long lifetime is to take some of the suggestions given to me.  The person might actually know something that I don’t.10378937_10203274237429971_2997557858446709925_n