21 days to freedom

Recently I have been doing a lot of work with mindfulness. I figure if it can help me with other areas of my life, why not with smoking.
I “accidentally” stumbled across an App that uses mindfulness as a way to quit….

My first attempt at quitting, I used an unconventional method. I did very well for 6 months. I had no defense against stress and smoked. The second time, Patches did nothing to help me. I do not chew gum and the thought of a lozenge sickens me. I do not need or want another medication.
Everything I have seen in this app so far makes complete sense.  I learned right away that nicotine leaves your system rather quickly. So nicotine replacement makes no sense.  Why not just decrease the number of cigarettes you smoke day by day. This is possible with help. Other methods do not teach me about the habit of smoking and how to rid myself of it.

On day 1 I kept track of how many times I smoked and found it to be a lot lower than expected. I have done a lot in the last few years to decrease the amount I smoke and apparently it was working. Now to rid myself of them completely.
In just one day of using this App, I already learned things about myself and smoking. I always thought I smoked because I was addicted to them and it was a habit. The first time I smoked mindfully, I realized it gives the illusion of calming me. I concentrated on every aspect of smoking that cigarette. From taking it out of the pack, to picking up the lighter, to holding the butt in my fingers, to smelling it. When I put the cigarette in my mouth I was instantly calm. I never even lit it yet. This told me that it wasn’t the nicotine that was calming me. It had to be something else.

I do not want to suffocate to death. That is my future if I do not quit. I believe using mindfulness to stop is my best option.  Not only am I learning how to use mindfulness to quit, I have incredible online support via this App.

I wrote, “The second I put that butt to my lips I immediately felt a sense of calm. It wasn’t even lit yet. The only part of smoking I seemed to enjoy was watching the smoke leave the end of the cigarette.”

 

One response I received from online support was, “Great observation. You’re pointing out this association between the motions of smoking (bringing the cigarette to your lips) and what you get (calm). I’m also guessing that you’re figuring out that there are other ways to be calm besides smoking (especially because nicotine being a stimulant isn’t the part that calms folks). As you go through the program, keep exploring what you get each time you smoke – every little part. And notice what you notice and learn from that.”

I tried hard to meet today’s (day 2) goal of mindfully smoking every cigarette. I found this to be a bit difficult at times. I would start my cigarette concentrating on the cigarette, then notice I had moved into autopilot. I would then as non judgmentally as I could, bring my focus back to the actual cigarette.

On Day 3. I started the day like all others. With a coffee and a cigarette. This time I also brought my phone with me so I could see what was in store for me today. After debating with myself, I put my cigarette out so I could follow along with the body scan exercise. I found it to be difficult to focus on the scan knowing that I had a cigarette a few inches from me waiting to be smoked.

Having the rest of my first cigarette of the day waiting for me definitely affected my ability to concentrate on the exercise.  I will do things different next time.

I attempted to mindfully smoke each and every cigarette as was suggested. I found this to be a tad difficult. What I learned from this experience is that I don’t just smoke. I smoke while doing other things. I only smoke outside so I am easily distracted by the activity in my yard. I love watching the squirrels and bunnies and chipmunks and ground hogs and birds and turtles and cats and deer. I make phone calls when I smoke. I play with smart phone when I smoke. All of these things distract me from the actual smoking. I guess that is what being on auto pilot is all about.

Today my goal is to continue practicing smoking mindfully. Today I started my day with the RAIN exercise. I did it before my first morning cigarette. I ended up going back inside without smoking that first cigarette. I wasn’t craving the cigarette, but in my head I wanted it. I wanted it because that is what I do when I wake up. It is my normal routine. My husband suggested that my 1st morning cigarette could become my first afternoon cigarette.  It did.

R = Recognize what is happening Stop and recognize that you are experiencing a craving

A = Allow/Accept the craving Accept and allow the craving without judgment.  You are going to experience cravings. They are going to happen.  Feel them, allow them, do not fight them.

I = Investigate what is going on in body Ask yourself why you are experiencing the craving. What is going on? Was there a trigger?  How does it feel?  What do you feel? Where do you feel it?

N = Note what is happening Clenching/tension/sweating/jitters/Heat/shaking

I learned If I have to make a phone call I smoke. I learned I can crave a cigarette within minutes of just having smoked one. I crave a cigarette before I finish dinner. The RAIN exercise will come in very handy in these situations as well.

I picked a quit date as suggested. 3 weeks from when I started using this App. At first I thought 3 weeks wasn’t going to be long enough for me. I had doubts that I would be ready. Now I am thinking it may be too long.

The first of my doubts have crept in today. I have myself convinced that I am doing something wrong, that I am cheating, and that I will not be successful. I should probably stop writing and try a mindfulness exercise, but I choose not to.

Yesterday I used the RAIN exercise a lot. I went from 10 cigarettes to 7. The number of cigarettes I am technically allowed is at 13.

I did get a suggestion that I only smoke 6 today. That freaked me out a bit. Only 6? How will that be possible?

Today’s goal is to use RAIN each time I crave a cigarette. So far RAIN has been helpful. So if I use RAIN every time I crave a cigarette and it works as well as it has, then technically I should not smoke at all today. That is when I started thinking too much again. If I don’t use RAIN when I crave a smoke, I do not meet today’s goal and I fail. If I do use RAIN all day and I am successful then I won’t smoke. I want to smoke. I still get to smoke. I get 6 today.

I don’t want to use RAIN and smoke anyway. That will scream “it doesn’t work” at my addiction. So do I use RAIN each time I crave and let it fail so I can smoke or do I not use RAIN every time and not meet today’s goal?

I wrote, “Now I wonder. Am I thinking too much or am I just more aware of things?”

online response “Not thinking too much. This is what happens when we start to wake up to our lives.”

I am having trouble distinguishing between craving a cigarette and thinking it is time for one. For example when I first woke up I thought it was time for a cigarette. I wasn’t craving one.  I just thought I was supposed to smoke one. Instead of smoking I chose to access the App and see what was up for today. I used the RAIN exercise even though I was still not feeling a craving. I did not smoke. 10 minutes later I felt a craving so I used RAIN again. I still did not smoke.

DESTROYING the habit.

A trigger hit me and hit me hard.. I had cigarette and lighter in hand. I stopped.  I took some breaths, focused on feeling, easily recognized that I wanted a smoke, accepted it as well.

I put the lighter and cigarette down and proceeded to go back inside. I did not smoke.

About 45 minutes later, the phone rang. I grabbed it and immediately walked to the door to go outside and smoke. Obviously on autopilot. I stopped. This is the habit they have mentioned.  This is a trigger for me.

I could see the last cigarette I didn’t smoke and my lighter waiting for me outside.

I walked away from the door.

I do not need to smoke while on the phone.

I finished my conversation without a smoke.

For those who do not understand, This a Big Deal!!!!

I spent time on my deck without smoking just to try to start breaking the connection that outside/deck equals smoke. It worked out well as I spent my time listening to a pebble meditation that I “accidentally” came across.

I need to take the word perfection and all variations of the word out of my vocabulary.  This is called mindfulness PRACTICE, NOT PERFECTION.

“I may have to resign myself to the fact that I will be quitting a lot sooner than I expected”

I have done just that. My original quit date was 11/13 now it is 11/5. But if I meet todays goal, which was yesterdays goal and the goal the day before that, I should remain smoke free today. Being smoke free today is not my goal. Using RAIN whenever a craving comes up is. If using RAIN is successful, I should not smoke.

Do I really need an anticipated date to quit? The first one seemed too soon at first. Then it seemed too far away, so I changed it.  No where does it say I have to smoke until my quit day.  Although my mind/addiction/habit is telling me what great idea that would be.

The program I used to quit was a 21 day program.  You had 21 days to decrease the number of cigarettes you smoked.  You had 21 days to learn how to successfully get through cravings that WILL happen.  I quit in 7 days, but I continued to follow the program to the end. It has been 6 years since my last cigarette.  It has not been easy.  At times it has been hard.  As long as I remember that this can be done and that I am doing it, I will succeed.  

This Can Be Done!!!!

My last butt