A not so funny O.T.T.

 

Okay I did not expect to be writing about obsessive crap so soon.  It is only Friday.

My husband calls every day on his lunch break. He does not miss a day.  Some times he may be a bit late, but he does call.  every day  Sometimes I can’t wait for the call and I call him. Today I waited for the call and waited and waited and waited some more. Finally I called him.  He did not answer.

and it starts.  well it already started. This is just when I became aware it was starting. I speak of anxiety.   

He always answers why did he not answer???? why did he not call???? what happened to him???? why can’t he call???? was that a noise outside???? is someone here to tell me something is wrong???? Why hasn’t he called???? where is he???? What has happened to him???? He should have returned my call by now,should I call him again???? It is almost 2 he should have called….There it is again the noise outside….  The dog has been a bit off today too.  Wonder if he’s okay????It is after 2 maybe I should call????What if I call and he does not answer????What do I do then????yes I already have him dead and buried, but maybe he is just at the hospital and can’t call????  if he lost his phone he would find another so He can’t call !!!!l why can’t he call???? what is stopping him from calling???? Damn I could use an Ativan but if I take another I wont be able to drive and get salad for dinner…. we wont need salad for dinner if something happened to him!!!! what could have happened to him????  Okay I am gonna call.  where’s the damn phone????  things have been going way too good lately. what is wrong???? 

This has officially become unfunny.  So unfunny that I may not include it in next weeks obsessive thought Thursday. It is just not funny. Even when I find out what happened, it will remain unfunny.  I did take another Ativan so I will not be going to buy salad so at least that decision has been made.  Maybe my rational side can take over for a bit????  If something bad happened to him, someone would have called.  They would notice if he was missing and go find him.  They would take care of him and they would call me.  No doubt in mind that they would call. So nothing can be wrong.

He would call….Why hasn’t he called ???? Damn this is exhausting me!!!!

Unless something really big happened and no one can call.  Oh Man!!!!  The news, I should turn on the TV.  DISTRACT SELF MUST DISTRACT SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay I distracted self by calling doc and trying to make appointment for 6 month follow-up.  Been needing to do that anyway. They will call me back when an agent is available WTF!!!! Distraction doesn’t even work right.  Breathing wont help…. I’ll do it anyway.

NOPE, NOT HELPING….

Distract more!!!! must distract more!!!! the doctor called back…. of course they put me on hold???? I had them call me back so I could avoid being on hold wtf.  BREATHE JUST BREATHE  I hate this on hold music it totally sucks…. why can’t I hear the byrds or ed sheeran???? I would go to YouTube and listen, but then I wont be able to hear them talk on the phone,,,, it would be better music,,,, but would I not hear them…. if they ever come back???? I’m gonna do it anyway.

Got off hold funny, I already had an appointment???? 330,,,, that will put me right in prime traffic time….now I don’t think I like the time….traffic on way home wtf !!!!I can’t see me making an appointment at that time????  I got confused and flustered while on the call. I wonder if I can call back and get an earlier time???? I will have to call….Okay, back to where I began again,,,, where I was before…. DISTRACTION,,,, I am again waiting for doctor office to call back so I can fix the time of appointment unfortunately when phone rings,,,, I will hope it is husband…. why did I choose this as a distraction???? To feel hope moron!!!! if the phone rings there is hope!!!! You will feel it even for a second.  Hope is Hope!!!! 

and it rang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caller ID just said Husband WTF,,,, no one was there…. hang up!!!! maybe he will try again…. and he did!!!! let it ring twice then answer;;;;  It is him!!!! he said hello!!!!  hahahahahahahaha !!!! he ate lunch early got distracted, forgot to call, and did not know what time it was. he is forgiven.

anxiety gone.  skills used were not wicked helpful, but attempt was made to use them.  You can breathe now.  Talking with doctor office much easier this time too. Not so confused when talking to them.  Not as flustered. hmmmmmmmm???? Does anxiety also cause confusion???? I never thought about that before.

You acted so calm and cool when talking to hubby.  You were breathing again.  He does not need to know about this at all.  No, not right. You don’t hide things.  You can’t hide things.  You did do great job of not calling Mom and freaking her out as well. Plus you might hit publish instead of Trash this time. Then he will read it anyway. Best you tell him now and make it sound funny.

Okay. Now looking back, it is sort of funny in a warped kind of way.  It is different from the past.

You know what is happening when it is happening, you know it is anxiety. 

YOU KNOW YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!!  

Commit to writng Prctice????

Today’s Prompt: Write about the three most important songs in your life — what do they mean to you?

The prompt states “most important songs in your life”  Not most important today. That meant I could pick any song from any point in my lifetime.  Ed Sheeran who sings the most important song in my life right now popped in my head immediately. He stayed there. This little light of mine popped in and then right out again.  It was replaced with The Byrds Mr. Spaceman. Journey was a  favorite band in high school so I thought one of their songs might make the grade.  They did not and I went with The Eagles and Hotel California.

There were rules that went along with this prompt.  Something about writing for 15 minutes and also some really helpful recommendations.  I think I am going to ignore the 15 minute rule and go with all the recommendations.  I will listen to each song, one at a time.  Then I will write.  Whatever comes out comes out.  No censors around here.

Ed Sheeran thinking out loud  

The first few times I heard this song, I confused the artist with Sam Smith.  They both had the most incredible, smooth, moving voices.  But this song by Ed Sheeran was more meaningful to me than Stay by Sam Smith. It makes me think, feel, and want to sing out loud. This song by Sheeran reminds me of falling in love with my husband.  I was not looking for love at that time, “It just happened”. Now years later I can look back and see how it may have been part of a plan, just like Sheeran sings about. “People fall in love in Mysterious ways” yes I so understand that.  Everything Sheeran sings in this song makes so much sense to me.  He sings about being in love, staying in love, and growing old with that person. Despite mistakes we make along the way, we stay together.

The Byrds Mr Spaceman   

I loved this song from the first time I heard it.  It was the 80’s and I was in high school. I was always a bit different so having a favorite song from 1960whatever was appropriate. It was always a fun song for me to sing along with…. “hey Mr Spaceman wont you please take me along I wont do anything wrong Hey Mr Spaceman wont you please take me along for a ride”. I was very lost during the time I first heard this song. I listened to it whenever I had the opportunity. Which was a lot. For some reason I found  comfort in it.  It helped me believe that there were other options out there besides my reality.  Even if they were far from real. It kept me going when nothing else could. Listening to this song today I find I still know every word. I just noticed that this song is 1 year older than I am.  Now that I am listening to the Byrds again after all these years, I am realizing that every one of their songs meant much to me when I was in that dark place. Mr. Spaceman was just the most fun out of all of them and I needed fun.

The Eagles Hotel California   

I was around 9 when this song first came out.  It was pretty popular even when I first really got familiar with it in my teens.  It may have been the 1st song ever that I could sing along to.  Like The Byrds, this song took me away.  I needed to get away and it brought me to a different place and time.  I could easily lose myself in the words and music.  It reminded me of finding a place that might or might not be a good place.  It all depends on how you look at it.  Even though you think you may have found heaven, there could be surprises in store for you.

Now that I have written about 3 of my most favorite songs, I want to keep going.  I want to write about #4, and 5 and 6 and 7.  Can’t forget #8.  I never realized how much I got out of music until I stared writing about it.  Bring it on Kansas and Carry on my Wayward son.  I am ready for you.