A not so funny O.T.T.

 

Okay I did not expect to be writing about obsessive crap so soon.  It is only Friday.

My husband calls every day on his lunch break. He does not miss a day.  Some times he may be a bit late, but he does call.  every day  Sometimes I can’t wait for the call and I call him. Today I waited for the call and waited and waited and waited some more. Finally I called him.  He did not answer.

and it starts.  well it already started. This is just when I became aware it was starting. I speak of anxiety.   

He always answers why did he not answer???? why did he not call???? what happened to him???? why can’t he call???? was that a noise outside???? is someone here to tell me something is wrong???? Why hasn’t he called???? where is he???? What has happened to him???? He should have returned my call by now,should I call him again???? It is almost 2 he should have called….There it is again the noise outside….  The dog has been a bit off today too.  Wonder if he’s okay????It is after 2 maybe I should call????What if I call and he does not answer????What do I do then????yes I already have him dead and buried, but maybe he is just at the hospital and can’t call????  if he lost his phone he would find another so He can’t call !!!!l why can’t he call???? what is stopping him from calling???? Damn I could use an Ativan but if I take another I wont be able to drive and get salad for dinner…. we wont need salad for dinner if something happened to him!!!! what could have happened to him????  Okay I am gonna call.  where’s the damn phone????  things have been going way too good lately. what is wrong???? 

This has officially become unfunny.  So unfunny that I may not include it in next weeks obsessive thought Thursday. It is just not funny. Even when I find out what happened, it will remain unfunny.  I did take another Ativan so I will not be going to buy salad so at least that decision has been made.  Maybe my rational side can take over for a bit????  If something bad happened to him, someone would have called.  They would notice if he was missing and go find him.  They would take care of him and they would call me.  No doubt in mind that they would call. So nothing can be wrong.

He would call….Why hasn’t he called ???? Damn this is exhausting me!!!!

Unless something really big happened and no one can call.  Oh Man!!!!  The news, I should turn on the TV.  DISTRACT SELF MUST DISTRACT SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay I distracted self by calling doc and trying to make appointment for 6 month follow-up.  Been needing to do that anyway. They will call me back when an agent is available WTF!!!! Distraction doesn’t even work right.  Breathing wont help…. I’ll do it anyway.

NOPE, NOT HELPING….

Distract more!!!! must distract more!!!! the doctor called back…. of course they put me on hold???? I had them call me back so I could avoid being on hold wtf.  BREATHE JUST BREATHE  I hate this on hold music it totally sucks…. why can’t I hear the byrds or ed sheeran???? I would go to YouTube and listen, but then I wont be able to hear them talk on the phone,,,, it would be better music,,,, but would I not hear them…. if they ever come back???? I’m gonna do it anyway.

Got off hold funny, I already had an appointment???? 330,,,, that will put me right in prime traffic time….now I don’t think I like the time….traffic on way home wtf !!!!I can’t see me making an appointment at that time????  I got confused and flustered while on the call. I wonder if I can call back and get an earlier time???? I will have to call….Okay, back to where I began again,,,, where I was before…. DISTRACTION,,,, I am again waiting for doctor office to call back so I can fix the time of appointment unfortunately when phone rings,,,, I will hope it is husband…. why did I choose this as a distraction???? To feel hope moron!!!! if the phone rings there is hope!!!! You will feel it even for a second.  Hope is Hope!!!! 

and it rang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caller ID just said Husband WTF,,,, no one was there…. hang up!!!! maybe he will try again…. and he did!!!! let it ring twice then answer;;;;  It is him!!!! he said hello!!!!  hahahahahahahaha !!!! he ate lunch early got distracted, forgot to call, and did not know what time it was. he is forgiven.

anxiety gone.  skills used were not wicked helpful, but attempt was made to use them.  You can breathe now.  Talking with doctor office much easier this time too. Not so confused when talking to them.  Not as flustered. hmmmmmmmm???? Does anxiety also cause confusion???? I never thought about that before.

You acted so calm and cool when talking to hubby.  You were breathing again.  He does not need to know about this at all.  No, not right. You don’t hide things.  You can’t hide things.  You did do great job of not calling Mom and freaking her out as well. Plus you might hit publish instead of Trash this time. Then he will read it anyway. Best you tell him now and make it sound funny.

Okay. Now looking back, it is sort of funny in a warped kind of way.  It is different from the past.

You know what is happening when it is happening, you know it is anxiety. 

YOU KNOW YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!!