Unprepared for today’s O.T.T.

Or was I?

Thursday kind of snuck up on me this week.  I haven’t been all that obsessive this week.  Thoughts or otherwise. I have been busy.  I have been challenging myself more and more.  Like 3 ice cubes instead of the normal 4. I have plenty of saved up obsessive thoughts stored on this computer. So I am going to go with one from a few months ago.

Uh  Oh !!!!  I wicked want to shave my head !!!! and yes I am getting to the point of obsessive about it…. Do I mention it to hubby???? yes,,,,talk about it then maybe it will go away…. His haircut looks nice….I just got my haircut but I DIDNT get it shaved….I want shaved….we should talk about it before I just go and do it .  Not like I haven’t done it before….One of the 1st night we worked together we got bored and he was involved with my original head shaving….or maybe it was his day off….I would need to get big earrings as Mom will say….if I did it????Oh Look I can do it for charity

We did talk about it.  I did not do it.  Talking and writing helped it go away.

 

May 7th O.T.T.

I am going to stick with Obsessive Thought Thursday for a bit.  and not allow it to morph into How My Mind Works Wednesday at this time.

The start of tonight’s dinner conversation.  Well I didn’t really bring it up. I just thought about bringing it up.  I thought “the kitchen light switches were not in the right positions.”

To him, the light switch closest to you is the one you flick. Up or down. It does not matter. To me, well I have rules.  Up is on, down is off.  Very simple rules yet they means so much.  Pre medication, finding the light switch in the up position would have caused anxiety and an increase in compulsive behavior. Today, I noticed it was wrong, felt a twinge and thought about it for a while.  I did not obsess.

Now that I think about it, the chances of me finding the light switches in the wrong position probably would not have happened pre medication.  If it did happen, it would be a very rare occurrence.  The OCD crap would not have allowed me to let the rules be broken in such a manner.

Seeing as though it is an hour later and I am still occasionally thinking about the light switches, tells me that this particular obsession is not one I am willing to challenge at this time. It will go on the list. There are plenty of others I can work on. The number of words in this post for one.

Day 20 – I treasure Awareness, and Family, and dogs, and the ability to pee by myself, etc.

I might or might not know what happened.confused-on-the-computer

I may have accidently hit publish when I 1st started writing this story way back when. That may explain why it says it was published on January 20th, when I published today. It became my First post???? Not my last of writing 101.

With a lot of work I was able to get it to fit with the last assignment.  All I know is that I finished it today. and published it today.

life as seen by me

Day Twenty: The Things We Treasure Today’s Prompt: Tell us the story of your most-prized possession. Today’s twist: We extolled the virtues of brevity back on day five, but now, let’s jump to the other side of the spectrum and turn to longform writing. Let’s celebrate the drawn-out, slowly cooked, wide-shot narrative. Good luck to all who read the whole thing and I promise never to write this much again!!!! 4189 words

It all started innocently enough.  I first noticed I couldn’t feel my fingers. As things progressed and I told my story over and over again I realized it actually started weeks before.

I couldn’t feel the cigarette smoke go into my lungs.  I remember telling Jax, “I can’t suck. I suck at sucking.”  I was also eating a lot of Tootsie rolls.  Every time I generated some Tootsie roll flavored saliva I would cough, sputter, choke almost.  I blamed these…

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real world conversations????

Today’s Prompt: Write a post inspired by a real-world conversation. Today’s twist: include an element of foreshadowing in the beginning of your post.

This oughta be a trip and a half. When was the last time you over heard a real life conversation? You rarely leave your house and the beagle stopped talking months ago. Those beagle conversations were pretty interesting while they lasted. Must be the medication. Or maybe the beagle is tired. Hmmmm, Tired? What a fabulous word that is.

Nobody likes me everybody hates me I think I’ll eat some worms.

I don’t think they realize how they sound. If they could hear themselves talk, would they continue with their conversation? I think not. But they can’t hear themselves talk so they continue. On and On. Go eat some worms I say. Or think. I can’t say that as that would be politically incorrect. I am so tired of hearing those words. Politically Incorrect? What exactly does that mean? Politically Incorrect by whose standards?

The same thing every day. Day, after day, after day. You’d think they would bore not just me, but themselves as well. You’d think they would come up with something new by now. You’d think the whole world had OCD the way they repeat themselves day after day after day.

You use to be like them. You don’t even know how much you use to be like them. You just did not have anyone available to listen to you. You did not have the whole world to listen to you. Well, maybe not the whole world, but a big chunk of it anyway. The difference is the Internet. Today they have the Internet. You didn’t have the Internet when you were stuck like they are. You only had your small teeny weenie world of people to torment. Today they have the cosmos, should the cosmos choose to listen.

Yesterday was a bit different. It was Michael. He talked to you. Michael doesn’t talk much. Well, he doesn’t talk about himself much. He is so unlike others you have met. He is funny as hell, but he hurts. You know he hurts. He just doesn’t piss and moan about it all the time. When he talks, you really need to listen.

And listen you did. You listened to his pain, his torment, his hell. You may not have experience with his particular illness, but you are familiar with what it is telling him, what it is making him feel, what it is making him think. You have been there. You have heard it, felt it, thought it.  You know what he is talking about. You have a decision to make. You can cajole him and say crap like, “It’ll get better.” “You will not feel like this forever.” “Your feelings will change.”  That is what they would have told you.

That is not what you needed to hear. That is not what helped you. That is not what made you feel better. Fine then, try this, “You say you are tired of acting like everything is alright, you are tired of pretending, you are tired of hiding. You are tired. No problem. STOP!  Stop acting as if everything is okay. Stop pretending. Stop hiding.  JUST FRIGGIN’ STOP!  Yes, you are tired. This illness can be infuriating. It can be exhausting. I understand that. If you are that tired then stop. STOP!!!! JUST STOP!!!! Tell someone in your real life exactly how you feel, exactly what you are thinking, exactly what is going on. No one can help you if they do not know the truth. If they do not know what is really happening. If they do not know what you are really thinking. If they do not know what you want to do.

You need to rest. You need a break. You need to get It to stop. You have a good life. People are jealous when they look at your life. You have a beautiful wife, a nice house, an awesome car, and a great pack of dogs. They do not know about your illness. They do not know what it tells you.  They do not know how it makes you feel. They do not know the battle you fight every day. EVERY DAY. You have had good times. You have had times where the illness was not in charge. You have been happy. You can be happy again.

Haha I just put 3 ice cubes in my coffee. 3, not 4. Take that mental illness. I will beat you. But I can’t beat you if I don’t know about you. I can’t beat you if others do not know about you. I can’t beat you alone. I need help.  I need people. No one can help me beat you if they don’t know anything is wrong.

You can be happy again. I know, that is so not what you want to hear. There is really nothing you want to hear. You’ve heard it all before. The illness is so strong in you right now. It is so loud. It is almost completely in control. But that is almost. ALMOST. Not totally and completely, ALMOST. It is never really over until you take that last breath. Even then it may not be over. They can always bring you back. They can always stick a tube down your throat. Force air into your lungs. Do you really want to go through that again? Do you really want to put your wife through that pain again? You were so close last time. So close, yet it did not work. It should have worked. Yet it did not. Have you ever wondered why?

You say you are ready. You say it is time. You say you are done. You don’t come right out and say it, but we all know what you mean. Do you say this or does the illness say this? Who is really talking? You? Or the illness?

Maybe they are not ready for you. Maybe it is not time? Maybe you are not done? Maybe you need to try again?

Maybe a soul that hasn’t even been born yet needs you. Maybe you need to go through what you are going through to help that soul go through what they are going to have to go through. Maybe that soul will change the world. Maybe that soul will be unable to change the world unless you are there to help them do it. Maybe you need to rest. Maybe you need a nap. A regular nap. Not a forever nap. Maybe you need a person who is destined to come into your life tomorrow. Until then, nap.  You will be less tired if you nap.

Domesticated Momster

  

 

Create a Feature/mental health or bad day?‏

My first thought when I saw todays Blogging101 assignment was “Nope, not going to do it.”  The assignment was to develop a regular feature for your blog. I still don’t know what my blog is going to be about, how do I come up with a regular feature? I instantly saw the point to creating a regular feature your followers could look forward to, but I had no idea what mine could be.  So instead of trying to do the assignment, I decided to sit down and just write. Little did I know, but as I wrote I realized I was coming up with my very own feature.  I do not do many things well, but one thing I do execute well is venting about life.  So, maybe once a week, or every other week, or every month I will vent about life in an appropriate way. Not only will this fit nicely with the goal I sort of have for this blog, but it will mean I completed todays assignment as well.

I was trying to describe how I felt.  I do not like the expression “It is just a bad day”, but if I did use that expression, yesterday would have been the day. Nothing unusual happened to make it a bad day. It just didn’t feel like a good one.

The day started by my waking up rather early.  6:40 a.m. to be exact.  Hubby was still home and getting ready for his day.  Although waking too early might be the start of a bad day for some folk, it was actually the start of what I thought would be a good day for me.  I got a kiss goodbye from hubby.  I never get them as I am usually still asleep when he leaves for work.  So waking up too early was a not such a bad start to the day. Getting an extra kiss from the one that I love changed that around for me.

The day went on like any other day.  I took care of my daily living type of stuff (coffee, tooth brushing, dressing, etc.). I even remembered to eat and take my fish oil.  I am always forgetting to eat. Therefore forgetting the supplements that go with it.  My beagle was good.  Resting comfortably, and waking only when he needed to pee or eat.  Such a great beagle he is.

A very long time ago I made the decision to limit my caffeine intake.  I don’t remember why I did this, I just know that I drink 2 glasses of iced coffee every morning then switch to water.  Today having woken much earlier than usual, I had ample time to drink more.  And drink more I did . This was a mistake.

I had only 1 real responsibility this day and that was my therapy appointment.  The rest of the days obligations were regular every day ones. Nothing too special.  Today felt different.  My thoughts were racing and obsessive.  I had so much I wanted to do and I wanted to do it all RIGHT NOW!!!!  Feeling like this is not unusual for me.  It is actually pretty normal. I haven’t felt like this in a few weeks or more.  I haven’t felt like this since the Doctor put my OCD medication back up to where it never should have left.

On the drive to therapy, I did one of my new favorite things.  I turned on my heated leather seat, opened the sunroof, and cranked the radio.  I do this to distract myself from any meddlesome, unrelenting thoughts I may be having.  And Oh Boy, today I was having them. None of my newest favorite songs came on the radio, but an older one did.  I found myself singing along to City Of Angels by…. haha it is not City of Angels although those songs and movie are nice.  It was Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers. I am a horrible singer, one of the worst, but when you are in your car alone, it does not matter if you can sing or not.  You just sing!!!!  The singing, cold air, and loud music helped.  It did its job. The bothersome thoughts went away long enough for me to figure out what it was I was actually feeling.  I was feeling “CROOKED”.  It was the only way I could think to describe what it was I felt.  I did not know what crooked meant, but that was okay.  I was on my way to therapy.  The perfect place to figure everything out.

I ended up learning one thing in therapy this day. It was a lesson I have learned so many times before.  Remember earlier when I mentioned my 2 glasses of iced coffee.  In therapy I became aware AGAIN of why I limited it to 2.  Any more than that and I become wired.  Totally out of control. Manic even. Racing, continuous, intrusive thoughts.  The cool thing is that years ago, before I “woke up” from my latest bout of depression, feeling like this would have been horrifying to me.  I would have thought, “Oh my Goddess? What the heck is wrong with me?  Do I need a medication change, more therapy, possible hospital Timeout? This is never going to change.  No one can help me. I will always feel this way.”

Not Today!!!!  Today I used skills I have gained.  Some skills have been taught to me by parents, friends, teachers, television, strangers on the street, etc., while others I figured out on my own.  Today I used the experience of distracting myself from the obsessive, chronic, never ending thoughts that I was able to figure out that I am okay!!!!  I took a step back and looked at what was really going on with me. I simply drank too much coffee. The let down I will eventually feel after the coffee wears off will go away.  I will not become overwhelmingly sucked into the deep depths of depression like I have in the past. I will not become all consumed with these incessant, perpetual thoughts.  I will be OKAY!!!!

If I experience a bad day, maybe it is just that, simply A Bad Day.  I just have to do what I can to make sure that 1 bad day does not turn into 2.  Today I can do that by 1) only having 2 glasses of iced coffee 2) using the know-how I have gathered from living life and 3) by venting about my bad day.  One of the very first things I learned in blogging 101 was what a text widget was and how to use it.  I wrote “I love to laugh and I love to vent. I use both of these things when dealing with life. I guess, maybe I will try to put laughter and venting together and see what happens.”  I do believe I did well with the venting part today, not too sure about the humor though.  What do you think?

Get Inspired By the Neighbors

Today’s assignment: write a post that builds on one of the comments you left yesterday. Don’t forget to link to the other blog!

I am finding much humor as I learn.  I am finding this humor in things I read and in the knowledge that I am a lot dumber than I ever imagined. Yesterdays assignment was to leave comments on 4 blogs I have never left comments on before.  I thought, “How easy is this going to be?” Haha, Not so easy. I did not remember where I left my comments and therefore had to begin today with searching for them. I did manage to find 3 out of the 4 comments.

Yesterday, I first had to find the blogs I wanted to comment on.  I thought this would be the simple part as I have a lot to say about a lot of things.  I probably read half a dozen blogs before I found one I wanted to comment on.  I can’t just comment.  No! that would be too painless.  I have to really relate to what I have read.  My comment needs to mean something to me.  The blog needs to “touch” me in some way.

I started with looking up blogs that pertained to anxiety.  I couldn’t really find anything that I wanted to comment on, so I moved onto depression.  Nothing really clicked with me so I went to OCD.  Wham!!!! I found so many blogs I wanted to comment on.  I should have started with OCD because when I first read the assignment I thought “4, comment 4 times?  I can do this as 4 is my magical number.”

This is the comment I left that I chose to expand on, and where I left it. You mean the DSM was written about me  My assignment today (blogging101) was to leave comments on 4 blogs I have never commented on before. You are #2. I picked you because much of what I have read here I can relate to. The only major difference so far is our opinion on the colors of your gym. Purple and yellow are my favorite. We can learn from our differences and I am all about learning. I will definitely be back to read more of what you have to say.

When I think of OCD, I do not think of myself and my thoughts and behaviors.  I think of Monk and his life altering obsessions, compulsions, and phobias.monk_wallpaper_1280x1024_6  My compulsions and obsessions are so unlike Monk.  OCD is just part of who I am.  Something I have been learning to live with my whole life. I always knew something wasn’t quite right.  I have spent forever hiding my compulsions and adapting to my thoughts and behaviors.  Yesterday after reading many blogs about others OCD, I realized how very unique OCD can be to each person.  The one thing I did identify with was public bathrooms.  I despise public bathrooms.  I don’t have a germ phobia like so many others, I just truly hate public bathrooms. It is the touching.  I hate touching things that are not my own.  I must say the Walmart near me is pretty awesome.  I had to use their bathroom in an emergency once.  I was greatly impressed.  I did not have to touch a single thing in that bathroom.  Well I did have to touch the toilet paper but in my mind, that was okay.  It would be flushed to never never land.  Never to be seen again.  The toilet flushed on its own, the water at the sink turned on when I put my hands under the faucet, it shut off when I was done, and I could easily dry my hands.   I touched nothing.  Okay, discussing my bathroom habits is not where I expected this post to go.  But Walmart’s bathroom is my OCD heaven.  If a bathroom could be described as heavenly Walmart’s would be it.

I think the point I was trying to make is that everyone’s obsessions and compulsions can be exclusive to them.  I loved watching Monk.  He had it bad. Very bad.  Watching him helped me feel better about my own obsessions and compulsions.  Although mine did greatly interfere with my life, for the most part I was able to manage it.  I grew up with it.  It was “normal” to me.  I don’t even like the idea of calling it a disorder.  OCD-like thoughts and behaviors works much better for me.  There have been times in my life where these thoughts and behaviors have been out of control.  A few years ago I had had absolutely enough. I was already in treatment for depression, but felt I needed more.  I knew depression was not my only issue. If I truly wanted to be okay, I would have to address this OCD-like crap as well. l found that the more the depression lifted, the more anxious and obsessive I became. I consulted a psychiatrist to see if he could offer any help.  I went well prepared.  I brought my therapist with me and I had my thoughts, behaviors, and compulsions written out so I would be unable to forget a thing.  I ended up with medication and a behavior modification plan.OCD

I am always learning new things about my obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviors.  I swear the less depressed I become the more I am able to see me.  Recently, my psychiatrist decreased my meds that may or may not have been helping with the OCD.   I quickly learned how important the meds really were to me. I originally thought that they helped me better manage the thoughts and behaviors.  Little did I know but they actually lessened the thoughts and therefore the behaviors abated.  I found this out after the decrease in meds.  I went batshitcrazy.  I was completely out of my mind.  I had chronic, obsessive, meddlesome, sometimes disturbing thoughts at all times.  It was most bothersome while in the car. I did have tools to help me combat these thoughts, but none that I could use while driving.  Being the good mental patient I so strive to be, I actually developed a tool that works in the car.  A favorite Journey song came on the radio.  Although it was cold and snowy, I opened my sunroof, cranked the radio up real loud, and was able to distract myself from the disturbing, intrusive thoughts. They turned into less disturbing, less intrusive, more joyful thoughts.

I have spent much of my life controlled by OCD.  It constantly interfered with my life.  Well today Life interfered with IT.  I learned that writing about OCD can trigger OCD in me. I had stuff to do today. Stuff that I refused to allow OCD from affecting.  So I walked away from writing this post.  I got in my SUV, opened the sunroof, and cranked the radio.  It did not distract me as well as it has in the past as I was missing the snow and the cold, but it helped enough that I was able to get my life stuff done.  I was then able to return to this post and obsess over it some more. I mean finish it.  ocd-cycle

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