This time I totally forgot

I missed Obsessive Thought Thursday again.  This time I completely and totally forgot about it.  It wasn’t until Friday that I even thought about Thursday.  This could very well be a good thing.  Maybe I am forgetting about it because I am not having constant, unrelenting, obsessive, intrusive thoughts.obsessiveNot

I made homemade chocolate chip cookies on Thursday.  The number totaled 1 cookie short of 5 1/2 dozen.  I thought about the number briefly.  I was okay with having such an odd number.  I did not stress over having that odd number.  I did think about it, but I thought more about the fact that I was okay with the odd number.  In the past I would have had to figure out how to get a much better total number of cookies.  In fact I would have started my baking with the final number in mind.  I would have made some cookies bigger or smaller to get to a decent final number.

12 cookies per sheet = 24 cookies each time I put the sheets in the oven.  That gives me 24 each time.  If I squeeze three extra cookies onto each sheet each time, that would give me 30 cookies which is closer to 32 than 24.  Then I only have to worry about 2 cookies not 6.  I do this twice and I end up with 60 cookies.  This is much closer to 64 than 48.  48 is not a bad number it is just not as pleasant as 64.

If I do this 2 more times, which is 4 times, I end up with 120 cookies.  8 more and I have 128 total.  That is a great number.  Very easy for me to work with.  I did not do any of this.  Yes, the number of cookies was always in my mind, but it did not bother me too much or cause increased anxiety in me.  I did count the cookies as I baked them, but my only goal was to bake a lot of cookies.  The total number I ended up with did not matter to me.  I just wanted a lot of them.

I ended up with 65 cookies.  So close to 64, yet so far.ocdRELIEF

I sat and I pondered.  I felt.  I sat and felt whatever it was I was going to feel. I felt okay with this number.  I liked the number better when I called it 1 short of 5 1/2 dozen, but 65 was okay too.  Eat one and I am at the magical number of 64.  I did not do this.  Instead, I thought about how cool it was that I was feeling absolutely no anxiety over the number of cookies I baked.

Yes, I thought about the number of cookies, but that is okay. It may have even been normal to want to know how many cookies I ended up with. I have been obsessing over numbers since I knew what numbers were.  I can’t expect to completely forget about them all at once.

What do I attribute this amazing feat to?  A few things come to mind.  Medication being number 1.  Without the proper medication, I would not have the opportunity to even attempt to challenge my obsessions and compulsions. But, medication did not fix me.  It helped me.  It gave me the ability to really take a look at the obsessions and compulsions that were left.  With medication, the battle of challenging the OCD seemed possible.  A battle I believed I could finally maybe win.  I had hope that I could beat this illness.  Before medication, I was completely controlled by the obsessive thoughts and behaviors.

Many of these compulsions had become habit.  I never thought about putting 4 ice cubes in my drink, I just automatically did it.  I learned in childhood that if I did not do things in 4’s, I would feel uncomfortable.  When I got older I learned that this uncomfortable feeling was called anxiety.  I learned that I could prevent or lessen this anxiety by doing things in 4’s. lifestronger

So although medication has helped me, I have had to do a lot of hard work as well.  I have had to force myself to do things differently.  I have had to be willing to experience those uncomfortable feelings I’ve been trying to avoid my whole life.  I am challenging OCD and I am winning.  Each and every time I challenge it, I get a bit stronger.

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Has the Future been written already ????

Fact or Fiction????

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I hope she shows her appreciation by getting me an oil change

My day started like any other. Using an ax to chop down trees while waiting for a tow truck to come jump my battery. Multi-tasking country-style I think it is called?  My baby is ten years old this year. I hope she is not going to start having issues.

The tow truck driver was not who I expected, but he did his job just as well. Jumpin’ the car did not work. My car would not start until he locked then unlocked my car doors. I always liked people who thought outside the box.

While he was here I got some great and much longed for shots of the beagle.

i am so happy i stayed awake for this

I never have my camera ready when he sticks his nose through the beagle proof gate. This time was different. He was so busy barkin’ at the truck that he had his nose through that gate for 20 minutes, I’d guess.

Driver’s orders for my Baby were simple: let in run for twenty minutes, take it for a ride, and if it doesn’t start again, play with your lock / unlock button.

What, take time to leisurely drive along back country roads on a beautiful day like today? With an open sunroof. Sometimes life can be so cruel. I took my little ride and ended up at the cemetery by the brook. As I drove through I noticed my Dad’s flag was ready to be replaced. I should do more here this year.

I drove by a grave where one simple thing caught my eye.

finding gratitude in a cemetery

Blowing with the wind was a balloon that said Mom.  Any normal person and that would have brought on the water works. Me? I became filled with gratitude. Not just regular gratitude, “wicked powerful fill me up gratitude”. Not only am I grateful I still have my Mom, I am grateful to have the best of all Moms.

My car is feeling better so I get back on track and drive to the neighboring town to pick up a prescription. As I drive to the store I am stopped briefly by a police officer. He is directing traffic at a cemetery. Funny. I didn’t think they used that one anymore.

Any who, I forgot my list so I decided to just get the necessities. Cookies and my script. It was a quick trip, but very good exercise. For my mind, body, soul, and car.

The way home was quite eventful.

And, the blue lights are behind me. “Hello Officer. Mighty fine day today.”

“That it is. Do you know why I stopped you?”

“No sir. I do not.”

“Is that an axe on the seat next to you?”DSC00316

“Why yes sir, it is.”

“May I ask why you have an ax on the front seat?’

“Well, Sir. I was in the yard with it when I got interrupted. I wasn’t done using it, so I didn’t want to put it away. I didn’t want it stolen, so I put it in the car.”

“No, I guess you can’t have it stolen. Thank you for your time. You may go.”

“Um, sir. May I ask? Why did you stop me?”

“I shouldn’t be telling you this, but as you drove by the funeral earlier, my dashboard computer was sent an alert. Big brother used your phone to warn us that you had an ax shaped item that could be used as a weapon in your car. Security at the store you were going to was alerted. You were watched by cameras, people, and satellite while you were there. After you picked up your prescription and cookies, we just waited here for you to drive by.”

“Why are you telling me all this?”

“Because it is going to happen to me too.”