figured something out????

When I first started this blog, I had no idea what to do or where to go with it.  All I knew was that I felt better when I wrote shit down.

Here we are roughly 6 months later….

  1. I have taken blogging101
  2. writing101 came next
  3. then Photo101
  4. then Life got in the way

I became obsessive over completing Blogging101.  See my history and you might understand why.  I learned so much from this course.  I was wicked new to blogging and I was learning stuff that a woman of my age should know.   widgets, image widgets, feature, Know your audience, INSPIRATION…. COMMUNITY!!!!

I did not expect or have any clue that starting a blog came with such a fantastic community.  I am very grateful I was led to WordPress.  Yes Lily Pup you are to blame for that.

After Blogging101 came Writing101.  I am proud to say I did well with this class.  The obsession I had during Blogging101 was not present.  Damnitall.  I read a blog post recently where the writer talks about swearing, I’ve been swearing ever since.  It is part of my Distinct Voice, which I also learned about in writing101. I learned so much more than I could have ever anticipated.

Writing 101 is where I received my first bit of criticism.  Maybe it was Blogging 101? It truly does not matter now.  The assignment was to write about your home.  I requested constructive criticism and I got it.  It basically said, “show me, Don’t tell me.”  Funny how one of the very next assignments was “Show me, Don’t tell me.” 

Russell J. Fellows on April 8, 2015 at 8:56 am said:

What a peaceful sounding place. I think I’ve told many people the same thing, but I want to tell you also: be more immersive in this writing. You have a lot of good description to work with, but I want to experience it through your eyes, not just through you telling me what is what. Instead of “The entrance to where I am is like a dirt road that leads you through a tunnel…” say “A road of dirt and rock leads you through a tunnel of beeches and oaks to a clearing…” or something like that. Does that make sense?

Then came Photo 101. Another great WordPress offering. I have yet to finish this course, but I have many great excuses. Life stuff took over for a while and I was unable to keep focused on learning about photography.  I still have hopes to finish this class, but will do so in my own time.

I have also been unable to keep up with my weekly feature OTT.  I have decided none of this matters.  What matters is that Today, I am doing every thing in my power to be okay.  My goal today and every day is to beat depression.  When my head tells me I am better off staying in my pajamas, I get in my clothes and do something.  When it tells me, “you don’t need a shower today”, I go out, get extra dirty, have fun doing it, and have no choice but to shower.  When someone who counts asks me How I am, I tell them the truth.  I have chosen to take the word “FINE” out of my vocabulary.

When my therapist suggested I leave little notes around my house that simply say “BREATHE”, I listened.  Now my house has little notes everywhere reminding me to breathe.  Breathing is such a simple thing to do, yet so very difficult when I need it most.  I have also learned along the way that deep breathing helps with so much more than just anxiety.  Provided I remember to do it.  The more I do it the easier it is to remember.  Everything takes practice.

So, take a minute. Stop. Just breathe. and don’t forget your blog

Duh. I almost forgot to mention what it was I may have figured out?  If blogging has rules, I do not think I can follow them. I am okay with suggestions, but I don’t believe I have any hope with rules. It has been 6 months and I still do not know what this thing is about.  I am okay with that.

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3rd Leibster award nomination

I have again been nominated for an award.  I do not usually accept awards because I can not follow the rules that come along with them. I do like this award in particular because I love answering the questions that come with it. The questions become part of my “about me” category.

I was nominated by Suzanne(FindingHerVoice)

Eleven Questions For You:

1. What ultimately got you motivated to get started and how long have you been blogging? I have been blogging since February 2015.  My archives say January, but that was a minor mistake on my part.  My therapist encouraged me to write because she thought writing would help me see things clearer. She also thought that the way I was able to express my thoughts and feelings via writing might be beneficial to others.  I met a woman on a web site who had a blog. lily pups life – bipolar and recovery. She encouraged me to try one myself.  I did and here we are.

2. Do you prefer to write best in the morning or at the end of the day?  I guess I  prefer the morning.  I like it when it is quiet and no one is home but me.  I like to sit down with my iced coffee and just write. Kind of like what I am doing right now.  Thank you for helping me write today Suzanne.

3. Do you give like that it’s somewhat anonymous or do you give your blog URL the friends or family? Such a simple question that is going to get a most difficult answer.  I like that my blog is somewhat anonymous.  My husband has the key, and one very old friend. I let one friend in because I hadn’t seen her in 30 years and thought it would be an easy way for her to see what I have been doing.  No one else in my real life knows where my blog is. Although if they truly wanted to, it would not be hard to find. I have shared a few stories with a few other relatives, but am not ready to say “hey here it is!!!! Read it all!!!!  My Mom and I discussed giving her access, and we both agreed it would be better if she didn’t have it.  Some things she would prefer not to know.  When I write something I think she may enjoy, I print it out for her.

4. Did you keep a journal as a child/teen? I did keep journals when younger.  I probably still have each and every one of them stored somewhere.  Journals were different from blogging for me.  Journals were for me and me alone. I shared them with no one.  I do not know what I would have done had blogging been an option when I was younger.

5. Are you an emotional writer? Do you write more for your heart or your head? I like to think I do a little of both.  I definitely start by writing from the heart, but then my head always seems to get involved somehow. I have tried doing it the other way around, start with my head, but it just doesn’t seem to work out as well. I think my heart is a better motivator than my head.

6. Do you have more blog posts that you have begun (in draft mode) or that you have completed)?  I am going to guess and say that the number of published posts and drafts are about even.  I have one particular draft that is full of random thoughts and ideas.  I sometimes take these ideas and turn them into published posts.

7. If you could/did write a bestselling book what would it be about? I did not have to think about this question for very long.  Angels!!!!  I would love to write about angels and how I believe they have touched my life and others. Since I started this blog, I have written a bit about angels, but only published one so far. The hardest thing Evah would be my brief introduction to writing about angels. Also, I mention angels in a couple of my Relationship posts.

8. What is the best feedback you’ve received on a blog post?  All feedback I get is important to me.  I have 2 bests though.  1 would be acknowledgment that something I wrote made a difference in someone’s life.  Especially if that meant making them laugh. The other is constructive criticism.  I asked for it once so I could improve my writing. I got it and it helped me see how I could make my writing better.

9. Where do you get your ideas for your blog posts? I get my ideas from my daily life. For example, I was cutting down tree saplings in my yard and had to go to the store.  It turned into a post called Has the Future been written already ????

This must have been a good day as you can see the crab rangoons on the left

This must have been a good day as you can see the crab rangoons on the left

10. What is your favourite food? This is an easy question to answer and it comes with a picture. Buffalo chicken tenders with Jojo’s.  If we have extra cash, we will get either onion rings or very special crab rangoons on the side.  The crab rangoons are very special because I will only eat them from this particular restaurant. They are 128% better than anything you might find in a Chinese restaurant.

11. What is the best advice you can give your fellow bloggers about how to get new subscribers? The best advice I have is the only advice I have.  Engage with other bloggers.  If someone likes a post of yours, visit them and see what they have written.  If you like what you find let them know that.  Even if you think their blog is just not for you, at least let them know you were there. The feeling I get when someone acknowledges something I have published is a darn good one.  I like knowing I might be able to help others feel the same way. 

Whoa.  I am done already.  That went quicker than I thought.  It took a while, but it did not feel like awhile.  Thank you again Suzanne for the nomination.  Maybe if I can ever figure out how to follow rules, I will start accepting awards.  For now, I will just have to go back and answer the question I missed.liebster-award

who or what will inspire me next?

I was taking a day off from writing.  I was gonna do nothing, but maybe read a bit.  Yah Right.  I read a friend’s blog post.  I left a reply to that friend.  This is my reply.

Sorry I do not have any questions about the hospital, but do need to know more about the chair room.  I have never heard of such a thing(It’s been 2 years since I was last in hospital).

Who pays for it? If the insurance pays, how is it billed to them? Who originally thought this “room” was a good idea? Is it just the hospital you went to that has it or are there many similar ones across the country? Could you have left if you chose to? I’m sure if I thought longer I could come up with many more questions, but right now I just have 1 left. Well It is more of a statement.

There is something seriously wrong with the mental health system in this country if you spent 2 days in a chair because there was no bed available to you.  I’m not saying they need more beds, I am saying they need to figure out a way to need less beds. Obviously something is not working somewhere. And don’t look to other countries for answers.  Their systems are different but just as messed up. I think they need to listen to us.  The ones who need the beds.

I was taking a day off from writing and look at me go. Thank you Lily. I just might have to go back to my blog and vent about this.  Oh look I already did vent 😀

I hope you have as good a day as you are capable of having.

I kind of have the feeling this is not going to be the end of me talking about “the chair room” and just think I wanted to get drunk and forget today was even happening.

Take that depressive brain!!!!  I beat you today!!!!

Reach for the Mother Fin' sky

Reach for the Mother F in sky !!!!

 

A Different Kind Of Coming Out Story

This post all started because todays assignment was to make a better blogroll. I was visiting a friends blog to look at her blogroll.  Her blog led me to another blog which inspired me to write this post.  I was so inspired that I decided to do yesterdays homework over again.  See that, I used links back to their blogs. I am so learning from blogging101!  If I did everything right, those links should go to lily pups life, Lesbian Like Me, and yesterdays homework Get Inspired by the neighbors. 

Mine is called a different kind of coming out story because I have never heard of another like it.  I guess you could say I kinds “Came Out Twice”.

I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning.  I had my 1st long-term boyfriend in the 6th grade.  I don’t know how old you are then, but it was too young to engage in more than a kiss. I remember that first kiss.  I remember thinking how soft his lips were, almost like what I imagined a girls to be like.  The following year, I recall that we did engage in what I guess could be described as heavy petting. I was okay during it as we were experimenting just like we were suppose to.  When he left I did not even want to kiss him.  I felt that uncomfortable.  We broke up.

High School came a long and I spent the whole time boyfriendless. I just wasn’t interested. One night I decided I was going to lose my virginity. So that is what I did.  I was out with classmates and we were drinking.  I looked at one of them and said. “I am going to have sex with you Tonight.”  Imagine being a 17 year old boy and have an 18 year old girl telling you this.  I probably don’t have to tell you, but he said yes.

When I was around 19, enter new friends Bill and Karen . Roger and Kate. Bill was older and had a crush on me, Karen was younger and I ended up sleeping with her one day.  Just like that. This was my 1st experience with a woman, it was not Karen’s. To Me, It seemed to be the most natural thing in the world.  The next day I felt different.  All day at work I was paranoid that everyone knew I had slept with a woman.  It is all I could think about.  I never saw Karen again until maybe 15 years later, but that shall be a whole story.

When I was 20 I relocated to a different part of the state.  I was a simple country girl dropped in the middle of Sin City. No one knew me there.  I was in a somewhat serious relationship with a man at the time, but when I moved we lost touch. Everything was changing so fast for me, light dawning everywhere. I figured what the heck. why not live my life as a lesbian  The coming out process was fairly easy for me.  It involved telling my Mom, sister, and the only friend I had left.  My mom responded with, “I always thought that, I just didn’t want to mention it.” My sister said “I always knew that, I just didn’t want to say anything.” And my best friend confessed that she too was a lesbian and in love with her best friend.  See, Did I lie? I said it was fairly easy

Through the years I dated, was single, dated some more, had my heart broken, and was single again.  I went to all the Pride Parades, went back to college with Women’s Studies as my 1st course, and even took the RedEye to DC for The March On Washingtonmarchonwashington I still have my necklace marchonwashington2                            Enter Jax.

I mentioned this name before in this Blogging101assignment.  The very first thing this man ever heard me say was “who the hell is Jax and why does he have my job?”  There was downsizing going on, we had to sign up for new jobs and Jax took the one I wanted. He approached, pointed to another, and commented  “if you took that one we would be working together.”  I figured what the heck at least I would know someone in the new building.  I worked nights in an institution.  For the most part it remained quiet so the staff had a lot of time to talk and get to know one another. I might go into a ‘not so quiet night sometime, but that might take a book. I made some lifelong friends working those nights.  I eventually found the woman I thought I wanted to be with.  We knew each other as coworkers and tried to expand on that.  Our relationship moved very fast.  Maybe a bit too fast for me.  I found myself at night talking about my relationship to Jax. He in turn talked about his relationship.  We got to be pretty good friends.  One night I was talking to another coworker David about my relationship. He shocked the hell right out of me when he said,

“I do not think you are a lesbian, and I do not think you are straight. I think you are going to fall in love with a human being, a person not a sex.” -David Hoyt

bestfriends

Around this same time I was promoted and switched shifts. The shift change limited my time with my girlfriend.  I had a lot of time alone, to think. This is not always a good thing for me, but this time it may have been.  I thought about my life, my feelings, my relationships, my sexuality.  I was never really good at any of those things and here they all were, all at once, right in front of me.  I just knew I was not in love with my GF.  I was in love with MY FRIEND!!!!  Jax was my friend and somewhere along the way he became more.

 friends with benefits made us laugh four a very long time.

It was harder telling my Mom I was in love with a man than it was to tell her I  was gay. In September, Jax and I will have been married 15 years.  We have had some interesting, trying, joyful times, we have gotten through them all.  Life is a little bit easier when you are on the Journey with Your Friend. your best friend.

Blogging101 has created a monster by teaching me about links, pingbacks, blogrolls, inspiration, and embedding.

Get Inspired By the Neighbors

Today’s assignment: write a post that builds on one of the comments you left yesterday. Don’t forget to link to the other blog!

I am finding much humor as I learn.  I am finding this humor in things I read and in the knowledge that I am a lot dumber than I ever imagined. Yesterdays assignment was to leave comments on 4 blogs I have never left comments on before.  I thought, “How easy is this going to be?” Haha, Not so easy. I did not remember where I left my comments and therefore had to begin today with searching for them. I did manage to find 3 out of the 4 comments.

Yesterday, I first had to find the blogs I wanted to comment on.  I thought this would be the simple part as I have a lot to say about a lot of things.  I probably read half a dozen blogs before I found one I wanted to comment on.  I can’t just comment.  No! that would be too painless.  I have to really relate to what I have read.  My comment needs to mean something to me.  The blog needs to “touch” me in some way.

I started with looking up blogs that pertained to anxiety.  I couldn’t really find anything that I wanted to comment on, so I moved onto depression.  Nothing really clicked with me so I went to OCD.  Wham!!!! I found so many blogs I wanted to comment on.  I should have started with OCD because when I first read the assignment I thought “4, comment 4 times?  I can do this as 4 is my magical number.”

This is the comment I left that I chose to expand on, and where I left it. You mean the DSM was written about me  My assignment today (blogging101) was to leave comments on 4 blogs I have never commented on before. You are #2. I picked you because much of what I have read here I can relate to. The only major difference so far is our opinion on the colors of your gym. Purple and yellow are my favorite. We can learn from our differences and I am all about learning. I will definitely be back to read more of what you have to say.

When I think of OCD, I do not think of myself and my thoughts and behaviors.  I think of Monk and his life altering obsessions, compulsions, and phobias.monk_wallpaper_1280x1024_6  My compulsions and obsessions are so unlike Monk.  OCD is just part of who I am.  Something I have been learning to live with my whole life. I always knew something wasn’t quite right.  I have spent forever hiding my compulsions and adapting to my thoughts and behaviors.  Yesterday after reading many blogs about others OCD, I realized how very unique OCD can be to each person.  The one thing I did identify with was public bathrooms.  I despise public bathrooms.  I don’t have a germ phobia like so many others, I just truly hate public bathrooms. It is the touching.  I hate touching things that are not my own.  I must say the Walmart near me is pretty awesome.  I had to use their bathroom in an emergency once.  I was greatly impressed.  I did not have to touch a single thing in that bathroom.  Well I did have to touch the toilet paper but in my mind, that was okay.  It would be flushed to never never land.  Never to be seen again.  The toilet flushed on its own, the water at the sink turned on when I put my hands under the faucet, it shut off when I was done, and I could easily dry my hands.   I touched nothing.  Okay, discussing my bathroom habits is not where I expected this post to go.  But Walmart’s bathroom is my OCD heaven.  If a bathroom could be described as heavenly Walmart’s would be it.

I think the point I was trying to make is that everyone’s obsessions and compulsions can be exclusive to them.  I loved watching Monk.  He had it bad. Very bad.  Watching him helped me feel better about my own obsessions and compulsions.  Although mine did greatly interfere with my life, for the most part I was able to manage it.  I grew up with it.  It was “normal” to me.  I don’t even like the idea of calling it a disorder.  OCD-like thoughts and behaviors works much better for me.  There have been times in my life where these thoughts and behaviors have been out of control.  A few years ago I had had absolutely enough. I was already in treatment for depression, but felt I needed more.  I knew depression was not my only issue. If I truly wanted to be okay, I would have to address this OCD-like crap as well. l found that the more the depression lifted, the more anxious and obsessive I became. I consulted a psychiatrist to see if he could offer any help.  I went well prepared.  I brought my therapist with me and I had my thoughts, behaviors, and compulsions written out so I would be unable to forget a thing.  I ended up with medication and a behavior modification plan.OCD

I am always learning new things about my obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviors.  I swear the less depressed I become the more I am able to see me.  Recently, my psychiatrist decreased my meds that may or may not have been helping with the OCD.   I quickly learned how important the meds really were to me. I originally thought that they helped me better manage the thoughts and behaviors.  Little did I know but they actually lessened the thoughts and therefore the behaviors abated.  I found this out after the decrease in meds.  I went batshitcrazy.  I was completely out of my mind.  I had chronic, obsessive, meddlesome, sometimes disturbing thoughts at all times.  It was most bothersome while in the car. I did have tools to help me combat these thoughts, but none that I could use while driving.  Being the good mental patient I so strive to be, I actually developed a tool that works in the car.  A favorite Journey song came on the radio.  Although it was cold and snowy, I opened my sunroof, cranked the radio up real loud, and was able to distract myself from the disturbing, intrusive thoughts. They turned into less disturbing, less intrusive, more joyful thoughts.

I have spent much of my life controlled by OCD.  It constantly interfered with my life.  Well today Life interfered with IT.  I learned that writing about OCD can trigger OCD in me. I had stuff to do today. Stuff that I refused to allow OCD from affecting.  So I walked away from writing this post.  I got in my SUV, opened the sunroof, and cranked the radio.  It did not distract me as well as it has in the past as I was missing the snow and the cold, but it helped enough that I was able to get my life stuff done.  I was then able to return to this post and obsess over it some more. I mean finish it.  ocd-cycle

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an Irresistible “About” Page

Today’s assignment: create and publish your About page, then either adapt it into a widget on your home page or add it to your menu. funny_quotes_life_3

My original “plan” was to write about a variety of subjects related to life and feel better doing it. Then I came across Blogging 101. So this is what you get today.  Learning is a big part of life so that is what I find myself writing about.  You can never be too old to learn.  You just need a desire.  Now that I think about it, a desire is all you need to accomplish a lot in life.  See, I just learned even more and I wasn’t even trying.

Spring of 2013 I woke up from a long bout of depression.  Since that time, I have become more aware of things. I may have mentioned somewhere that I may have some OCD like traits.  Well some of those traits are showing up while taking this course. The first part of the assignment was create and publish your About page.  I did that last month. I did it before I knew Blogging 101 even existed. I really didn’t want to write another or even tweak the one I had, so what do I do?  I must create and publish! It is part of the assignment.  I must create and publish! It is part of the assignment.  How about I create a blog about the day 6 assignment.  I can write about writing an about me page.  I actually had half this blog written when I realized that was what I was doing.

Okay, where does one begin?  I know. I shall try the beginning.  The very first thing I was able to push publish on was something called  A Bit About Me. I spent a lot of time working on this “about me”.  I wrote and published it long before I knew I would be taking blogging 101.  I wrote a bit, walked away, wrote a bit, walked away, then shared it with hubby and a few Internet friends. I got much feedback from all who got to read the original.  I received a great hug from hubby after he read it.  Internet friends said……..I am honored you shared! You seem so familiar. Like I’ve always known you……..I believe you have a gift with writing……..You did deserve a “wicked” cool hug for this!!!……..I bet it is very therapeutic to write out your story and feelings for others to read…….. I then rewrote it again and added my therapist and “replacement therapist” to the list of people who got to read it.  I got more positive feedback.  Hubby gave me a tighter, longer hug, my Internet friends said…….. I love your pup! He looks like quite the character!!!!        Your honesty and frankness can help others        You have a great writing style        you should find more people who can empathize and learn from your experiences……..I got gutsy and published the “about me”. I think it stayed online for about 2 hours. Then the 2 therapists said……..You are an Interesting woman……..You can definitely reach others with your writing……..your talent with venting might be beneficial to not only you……..They actually read something else I wrote as well which got me to thinking about venting as a valuable tool.  So I published the “about me” again and it stayed. Longer this time. It even got published twice.  Well maybe 3 times, as I have another blog under another title which may not remain as anonymous as this one.  

I should get back to the rest of the assignment which was either adapt it into a widget on your home page or add it to your menu.  I know what a widget is, so I figure I am half way home.  Sometimes I really crack myself up with my child like innocence.  I knew nothing about them.   I was suppose to use a text widget to write a brief description of my about me post and that widget will link back to the post.  Easy I can do that.  It was so easy I had to walk away and come back to it I was making myself so crazy with it.  When I returned I figured it all out.  It was as simple as reading this sentence, “You can also add a link to the full page at the end of your short description with some simple HTML.”  All of my confusion was instantly wiped away.  Well most of it anyway. I did not adapt it into a widget on my home page.  I am not sure I can do that with the theme I have actually been able to keep for 2 days.  But I did adapt it into a widget.  I think I added it to my menu.

links and widgets

this is me learning about links and widgets

So I may or may not have completed the assignment for Day 6.  I did play with my blog and I laughed a few times while doing it. So that is good.  I learned about links and if you click on that funny looking thing in the upper right hand corner, you will see that I did in fact adapt my about me page into a widget. I think. I hope that when I am done with Blogging 101, I will actually know what that means.

to write with readers in mind

Hmmmmmmmm.  Where does one begin?

I want to reach other human beings so I guess my subject options are pretty wide open.  I told a friend what my assignment was and she suggested I write with her in mind.  I thought that was a darn good idea.  Her name is Base and she is a nurse.  That made me think about nurses I have met and interacted with.  Nurses are people too is the first thing to come to this kooky brain when I think of the word.

I once worked with a lot of nurses.  It was a hospital like setting.  An institution really.  We depended on the nurses for quite a bit. The nurses were IT in this setting.  They were the people to go to whenever there was a problem. During the day we had doctors and administration, but when they left, the nurses were in charge. Funny though I think the nurses were in charge even before those people left.  We just didn’t let anyone know that.  When in doubt, ask the nurse seemed to be the rule.

Recently I had a lot of exposure to nurses in a different type of setting.  I participated in treatments for depression that needed to be done in a hospital atmosphere.  The nurses here had less power, but just as much if not more responsibility as the ones I had worked with.  I noticed that they worked together to get everything done. I do not think they would have been able to complete all of their tasks had they not been a team. I also noticed they weren’t just nurses, they were secretaries as well.  Everything is on computer today and every time I went there, the nurses would have to check the computer to make sure everything was kosher.  Sometimes the computers worked, sometimes they did not.   It did not matter if the computer was not working, they still had the same jobs to do.  Again, the nurses worked together to get it all done.  About an hour after I got there, the doctors would start showing up.  The nurses have already been working for well over an hour and Lord everything better be ready for the doctors. It would not have mattered if the computers were malfunctioning or 3 patients took extra time or a patient was screaming about anything, Everything best be done when those doctors arrived.  I don’t think I ever saw my Doctor acknowledge a single nurse unless they said something first.  I do not think he was aware of all that they had done to prepare me for him.  He did not seem to care to know.

Well I cared.  Each week I saw all they had to do and I noticed  how little they got thanked for it.  They weren’t just nurses doing a job, they were human beings caring for other human beings.  They were people taking care of people. And I will be honest, some of those people could be difficult to care for.  Yes they did their job, and they did it well.  They dealt with the computers, started IV’s, took vital signs, etc.  They also got me an extra warm blanket when I was cold,  they remembered that when I was ready I liked the lights dim, they calmed me down when I was so anxious I was ready to rip the IV out of my hand.  When the Doctor got there, he could see I was medically ready for my procedure, but he was clueless as to what that actually entailed.

I had my last treatment a week ago.  I went to this appointment with one thing in mind. To thank the people I interacted with all this time, and to show them they were appreciated.  They made a difference in my life and I thought they should know that.  Each time I went there, they helped me in so many ways that they did not realize.   I wanted them to be aware of all that they did for just one patient, so I wrote it all down in the form of a letter.  I wanted them to see that even the tiniest, simplest thing they did for me made a difference and did not go unnoticed.  They helped me remain calm, they helped me laugh, they made me feel comfortable, they made me believe that everything would be okay.  I felt I had to do this not because I thought they were treated badly, they were treated with indifference.   I wanted these nurses to know how very important they really were to me.

They may not be told it every day, or week, or month for that matter, but they deserve to hear that they make a difference. If they remembered that the last time I had an IV, I did not like “the spray”, that meant a lot. If they listened to me long enough to know to ask, “Is Jax with you or your Mom?” that meant a lot. If they talked and joked with me enough to figure out we were neighbors that meant a lot. If they rushed me out of one room and to “the room” just to get me away from the perfume stench that meant a lot.  I appreciate each and every one of them. Not everyone takes the time to let them know how important they are, but they should. Nurses efforts do not go unnoticed.  I can see how being a nurse, they have to put up with a lot.  They are dealing with sick, hurting, irritable people.   They deserve our thanks not our frustrations. .  They deserve our appreciation not our vomit.

So I was suppose to write keeping my readers in mind.   I guess today my readers are nurses, doctors, and any human being who has ever been a patient.  My goal remains to make people laugh so I know the nurses won’t say it and I can answer with a borrowed song.

Introduction? of some sort

My 1st Blogging 101 assignment. The thought that is running nonstop in my brain right now is “Do I really, truly want to be doing this at this time?”  Well, here goes ????

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?  I like to talk.  I get thoughts in my head that I must write down.  Now that I really think about it, I do not think I have an answer to this Q right now.  I have a lot to say.  I believe people could learn from some of my life experience.  I like to entertain.  Maybe that is why I choose public?      I love to laugh and make others laugh.  Humor has gotten me through some very tough times.  I depend on humor.  It is very important to me.  If something I say makes someone smirk, smile, or laugh, wicked cool.
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?  I know very little about relationships, but would love to write about what I do know?  This winter totally affected my ability to laugh and drive, so I think I might want to write about that?  I have a lot of experience feeling feelings, I might be able to write a bit about that?  Did I mention I was a tad on the kooky side?  I don’t know, that might make a fun topic?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?  Maybe a few members of the human race.  I absolutely do not know.
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?  I have an ongoing goal to make people laugh. If I can do that using this blog, very cool/magnificent/outstanding/astounding/marvelous/phenomenal/terrific/awesome.  I also wouldn’t mind educating a person or two. You never know?

I think I am done writing for now.  I love honesty, so I must be honest.  Starting with a lie just isn’t the opening I was looking for.  I completely forgot about signing up for Blogging 101.  For some very strange reason I have also failed to check my email for almost 2 days.  I am already behind and haven’t even started yet.  So that is it for my starting point  I guess.  Now if I could only push the damn publish button.

A Bit About Me

My name is Emily (not IRL) and the best way I can think to describe myself is that I am a very honest, relatively nice person with a great sense of humor, but mess with my Friends and I can become unpleasant. Some people love me for my honesty some hate me for the same reason.

I have had OCD since I was a small child. Nothing too bad, but I was unquestionably obsessive. If I didn’t do things a certain number of times or the right way, the Anxiety would kick in. I have suffered from Depression since about age 16,  but was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder.  I remember being a teenager and saying to myself  “I will never worry like my Mom.” Boy was I wrong.   The GAD diagnosis came as an adult.  I experienced some alcohol and drug addiction days. At one time Bipolar and ADHD were thought to be a problem as well.  I’m not sure if the BPD was ever a diagnosis or just phases I went through. Charming!!!!  Writing this is making me feel ancient and a bit baffled. perplexed2

I have tried virtually every medication available for Depression. I’ve been labeled ‘treatment resistant’. Through a lot of hard work and a lot of help and support, I have experienced some relief from Depression.  Unfortunately, when “I woke up” this last time, the Anxiety seemed to surge. Today I battle Anxiety, OCD, and have a lot of new feelings to get a handle on.  Including feelings of nothing.  I do believe that feeling nothing is better than those horrible, gut wrenching feelings of Depression.   I am still learning.  I recently had an alarming experience that ended with a Conversion Disorder diagnosis.  It was either that or a dreadful medication interaction?  The Doctors disagree.  It doesn’t really matter, because I choose to listen to all of them and do exactly what they all say.

Today I find myself taking life one feeling, one problem, one appointment, and Seamusbarooone barking beagle at a time. 

I ended writing here.  I’ve come back to it a few times, but had nothing to add.  I was stuck.

Today I figured out what to do.  It just came to me.  It became a meddlesome, obsessive thought, but it was one of the good ones.  I will end my story.

I know what I am going to write about.  It will be about how a young happy child went from being a scared, confused, lost little girl to the strong, grateful, somewhat independent woman she is today.  I do not know what I will write about or when I will write, but I will write.  I may not write every day, or every week, or even every month, but I will write.  Someone I trust suggested that if I record my thoughts, I might be able to understand more and figure things out a little better.  One thing I have learned in my long lifetime is to take some of the suggestions given to me.  The person might actually know something that I don’t.10378937_10203274237429971_2997557858446709925_n

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