I have managed to find someone other than myself to blame for my inability to get my weekly feature published on time.
My husband is to blame. He has had an extra day off each week this summer which totally messes up what day I think it is. Therefore it is his fault I cannot write about obsessive thoughts on Obsessive Thought Thursday. I do not know when Thursday is.
So glad we got that squared away from the beginning. I continue to challenge OCD in some way every day. The more I challenge it, the more I reinforce the fact that it is okay to do something once. The more times I eat three skittles at a time instead of four or 2 cookies instead of four, and nothing bad happens, the more I believe nothing bad will happen. The more times I successfully challenge this disorder, the stronger I feel. And No, not every challenge is a successful one. Twice recently while in a store, I had an incredible increase in anxiety which was directly related to an opportunity to challenge the OCD. I felt it in my body, just like my new Therapist wants me to. I can hear him now, “What does it feel like?” “Easy, It feels like I am going to puke.”
We have been experiencing a lot of ‘firsts’ the last few weeks and I am happy to note that in no way could I make them into fourths. It was stuff like the 1st time you peel and cut up potatoes without saving some pieces for the beagle. The 1st time you forget your water when leaving the house and realize you can go back in without disturbing the dog. There is no dog. The first time you cook and realize there is no dog to step over no matter where you move. The first time you sit in your dog’s favorite spot on the loveseat and realize just how comfortable it really is. The first time you have sirloin tips for supper and realize there is no one to share the juice with. The 1st time your husband leaves when the dog would normally ‘think’ he shouldn’t and you both realize he doesn’t have to sneak out of the house anymore. The 2nd time you sit in your dog’s spot on the loveseat, only this time you recline back, totally enjoying how comfortable you truly are and think, “that little shit has had the best spot in the house for 15 years, and I can see the TV better from over here.” Done with firsts for now.
Okay, O.T.T., obsessive thoughts, Thursday, No its Sunday, Obsessiveness, you started this Saturday…. Lately, I have found myself obsessing over depression. I have been obsessing over being aware that the depression may or may not be trying to get back in control of my head. I am obsessing over doing everything I can possibly do to stop the depression from taking over my brain. I am thinking this might not be a bad obsession.
Because I am constantly on the look out for signs that depression may be returning, I see the signs rather quickly. I see them before they can get a hold on me. I can then do what I need to do to prevent it from getting worse.
For example, I have been neglecting my blog. I enjoy my blog, I have fun with my blog. The more I neglect my blog, the less joy and fun I have and the easier it is for depression to strengthen itself inside me. There is more room for it to grow.
Sometimes depression tries to sneak up on me in other ways. It likes it when I feel irritable and get snippy with my partner. I know this, I am aware of this, I can apologize for this and not do it again. Depression hates it when I do this, it loses power. One thing depression loves is alcohol. If I have to do something that makes me extremely anxious it wants to convince me that it will be easier to do with a drink.
It will be better with a drink. To someone with a history of depression, alcohol is just FFD (Fuel For Depression). Depression lies. It lies to me all the time. You don’t need to eat today. You will only get fatter. Eat tomorrow. Depression wants to be that gut wrenching, motivation sucking, all-consuming monster it has been in the past. And if that means lying to me, that means lying to me.
Today is different though. I have had time away from that major, debilitating, dark depression. I like to think I have used that time wisely. I have been able to work on ‘other stuff’. I have learned how to get through some incredibly anxiety provoking situations unscathed. I have learned and am still learning that unpleasant feelings just are. Everyone has them. If I feel them and let them be, they will change or leave altogether. The more I fight unpleasant feelings, the stronger they become. Which opens the door for depression. I need to allow myself to feel stuff like fear, or sadness, or even anger. That way when I feel things like joy, peace, and happiness, I will enjoy them that much more.
I do not know where I am going with this story and I barely know where I’ve been, so my suggestion to Myself is to end it here.