introducing William

I rarely question my assignment. Today I was given the job I’ve been preparing for. Everything is ready, T’s have been dotted, I’s crossed, and assignments handed out. I am to hang with an 8-year-old boy named Tim.  Anna, Tim’s sister just came back over a few days ago. She only had 12 years on Earth this time, but she did her job quicker and better than most. I spent some time with her when she first arrived back home. She will be at or above my own level. She did well on Earth. She gets to rest for as long as she desires then it is off to work she goes.  I love how she calls me Will instead of William. I believe this is going to be a beautiful, powerful friendship.

Most don’t take much time off. Some choose to retire, but no one lasts long at that. There are so many people who need our help. Speaking of help I should go down to Tim, my newest assignment.  With Anna leaving him for a bit, I have (my) work to do.

Anna made me laugh the first time I met her. She told me she has already been testing her family. She was able to assign her brother, Tim to the Angels’ baseball team. Anna’s Mom noticed that right away, and that night Anna sent Tim a dream. Tim recalled this vivid dream and shared it with his Mom. They were able to smile together. I guess Anna is declining her opportunity to have a break. Only the best do that.

Anna might have chosen the body of a child this time, but she is such a strong old soul, full of wisdom. I am going to be proud to have her as my newest companion. With this family I got assigned to way back when, Anna’s insight will be invaluable.  That’s not to say with all my preparation and dedication I can’t hold my own, just that more help reaches further.

Catherine and Emily. For the longest time I thought I had them.  When I left my body, they truly believed in me and my power. I proved it to them using that JH dude. Twice!Over the years they have stumbled a bit. I think Emily might be on her way back to believing I am there. It’s taken some time, but she is starting to see the signs I’ve been sending her. I was pretty subtle for a while, then the Senior dude visited. The Senior dude told me to hit her with a biggie. Not too big though.“She needs to WAKE UP!!!!” She recovered nicely from that sign and now I believe I have her back.

Jax and Catherine. Well they are going to take more time. They will be open to me soon though. As long as I have the whole team playing, rookies included. They will hear us. As long as she stays open, They are gonna have to listen to Emily. Since Anna and I teamed up,  It is almost as if Emily forgot to lock her door.  I am also proud of how outspoken she has become.  She has found her voice. This family is very special to me. They have so much work they still need to do. I sometimes wish we could get things done all by ourselves. But then again, it wouldn’t be right or much fun for any of us.

“It amazes me the racket the Senior Man has going on in relation to tHis family. He’s got me working with Anna in Sue’s house, while Clarence is in Canada convincing Hollow to motivate Emily to try on her appropriate funeral attire. Meanwhile Gabriel is in Pennsylvania, reminding Base, to remind Emily about us.” PHEW!!!! Busy, Busy, and Busy.

I’ve been waiting all day for Emily to ask for me to come with her tonight. The Senior Man wants us all there tonight. Everyone!!!! This Anna must be pretty special to him to bring out all stops like he is. I can’t wait to work with her more.

A message arrives, “Well would you look at that? Emily is asking for my help. This is way cool, she hasn’t asked for my help in a long time. I love it when they ask me to visit. I love them so much. Helping them is so much more fun when they know I am around. I know I am doing my job right when they feel me near. They do still have that free will crap the Big Ole One gave them. It is sometimes tough to work around.”

This story was supposed to be about Tim. Everything happens for a reason they say. The Senior Dude wants me to hang out with Tim all day. Or, for as long as he needs me. I must say, I have enjoyed my brief hiatus. Given the choice though, I’d much rather be working and spending time with the ones I was given. They can be so much fun. I feel like I’ve been on vacation forever.

Back in the saddle again as some might say. “I’m just gonna say thanks for the work Senior Man. I am so looking forward to your newest assignment.”

Enough documenting, it is time to visit Tim. I love working with kids. I have always loved them. They are so much more open to my suggestions than the older ones. This should be a fun day for me. Anna’s got her hands full with her Mom, Dad, and sisters. She will appreciate the time I spend with Tim.

“All I know is that this assignment involves the color purple. They never tell me more than I need to know. I just go with it and it all will be well. Plus, in time, when I find everything out, it will be breathtaking. Can breathtaking be a feeling?  If it can, then it is.”

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figured something out????

When I first started this blog, I had no idea what to do or where to go with it.  All I knew was that I felt better when I wrote shit down.

Here we are roughly 6 months later….

  1. I have taken blogging101
  2. writing101 came next
  3. then Photo101
  4. then Life got in the way

I became obsessive over completing Blogging101.  See my history and you might understand why.  I learned so much from this course.  I was wicked new to blogging and I was learning stuff that a woman of my age should know.   widgets, image widgets, feature, Know your audience, INSPIRATION…. COMMUNITY!!!!

I did not expect or have any clue that starting a blog came with such a fantastic community.  I am very grateful I was led to WordPress.  Yes Lily Pup you are to blame for that.

After Blogging101 came Writing101.  I am proud to say I did well with this class.  The obsession I had during Blogging101 was not present.  Damnitall.  I read a blog post recently where the writer talks about swearing, I’ve been swearing ever since.  It is part of my Distinct Voice, which I also learned about in writing101. I learned so much more than I could have ever anticipated.

Writing 101 is where I received my first bit of criticism.  Maybe it was Blogging 101? It truly does not matter now.  The assignment was to write about your home.  I requested constructive criticism and I got it.  It basically said, “show me, Don’t tell me.”  Funny how one of the very next assignments was “Show me, Don’t tell me.” 

Russell J. Fellows on April 8, 2015 at 8:56 am said:

What a peaceful sounding place. I think I’ve told many people the same thing, but I want to tell you also: be more immersive in this writing. You have a lot of good description to work with, but I want to experience it through your eyes, not just through you telling me what is what. Instead of “The entrance to where I am is like a dirt road that leads you through a tunnel…” say “A road of dirt and rock leads you through a tunnel of beeches and oaks to a clearing…” or something like that. Does that make sense?

Then came Photo 101. Another great WordPress offering. I have yet to finish this course, but I have many great excuses. Life stuff took over for a while and I was unable to keep focused on learning about photography.  I still have hopes to finish this class, but will do so in my own time.

I have also been unable to keep up with my weekly feature OTT.  I have decided none of this matters.  What matters is that Today, I am doing every thing in my power to be okay.  My goal today and every day is to beat depression.  When my head tells me I am better off staying in my pajamas, I get in my clothes and do something.  When it tells me, “you don’t need a shower today”, I go out, get extra dirty, have fun doing it, and have no choice but to shower.  When someone who counts asks me How I am, I tell them the truth.  I have chosen to take the word “FINE” out of my vocabulary.

When my therapist suggested I leave little notes around my house that simply say “BREATHE”, I listened.  Now my house has little notes everywhere reminding me to breathe.  Breathing is such a simple thing to do, yet so very difficult when I need it most.  I have also learned along the way that deep breathing helps with so much more than just anxiety.  Provided I remember to do it.  The more I do it the easier it is to remember.  Everything takes practice.

So, take a minute. Stop. Just breathe. and don’t forget your blog

Duh. I almost forgot to mention what it was I may have figured out?  If blogging has rules, I do not think I can follow them. I am okay with suggestions, but I don’t believe I have any hope with rules. It has been 6 months and I still do not know what this thing is about.  I am okay with that.

3rd Leibster award nomination

I have again been nominated for an award.  I do not usually accept awards because I can not follow the rules that come along with them. I do like this award in particular because I love answering the questions that come with it. The questions become part of my “about me” category.

I was nominated by Suzanne(FindingHerVoice)

Eleven Questions For You:

1. What ultimately got you motivated to get started and how long have you been blogging? I have been blogging since February 2015.  My archives say January, but that was a minor mistake on my part.  My therapist encouraged me to write because she thought writing would help me see things clearer. She also thought that the way I was able to express my thoughts and feelings via writing might be beneficial to others.  I met a woman on a web site who had a blog. lily pups life – bipolar and recovery. She encouraged me to try one myself.  I did and here we are.

2. Do you prefer to write best in the morning or at the end of the day?  I guess I  prefer the morning.  I like it when it is quiet and no one is home but me.  I like to sit down with my iced coffee and just write. Kind of like what I am doing right now.  Thank you for helping me write today Suzanne.

3. Do you give like that it’s somewhat anonymous or do you give your blog URL the friends or family? Such a simple question that is going to get a most difficult answer.  I like that my blog is somewhat anonymous.  My husband has the key, and one very old friend. I let one friend in because I hadn’t seen her in 30 years and thought it would be an easy way for her to see what I have been doing.  No one else in my real life knows where my blog is. Although if they truly wanted to, it would not be hard to find. I have shared a few stories with a few other relatives, but am not ready to say “hey here it is!!!! Read it all!!!!  My Mom and I discussed giving her access, and we both agreed it would be better if she didn’t have it.  Some things she would prefer not to know.  When I write something I think she may enjoy, I print it out for her.

4. Did you keep a journal as a child/teen? I did keep journals when younger.  I probably still have each and every one of them stored somewhere.  Journals were different from blogging for me.  Journals were for me and me alone. I shared them with no one.  I do not know what I would have done had blogging been an option when I was younger.

5. Are you an emotional writer? Do you write more for your heart or your head? I like to think I do a little of both.  I definitely start by writing from the heart, but then my head always seems to get involved somehow. I have tried doing it the other way around, start with my head, but it just doesn’t seem to work out as well. I think my heart is a better motivator than my head.

6. Do you have more blog posts that you have begun (in draft mode) or that you have completed)?  I am going to guess and say that the number of published posts and drafts are about even.  I have one particular draft that is full of random thoughts and ideas.  I sometimes take these ideas and turn them into published posts.

7. If you could/did write a bestselling book what would it be about? I did not have to think about this question for very long.  Angels!!!!  I would love to write about angels and how I believe they have touched my life and others. Since I started this blog, I have written a bit about angels, but only published one so far. The hardest thing Evah would be my brief introduction to writing about angels. Also, I mention angels in a couple of my Relationship posts.

8. What is the best feedback you’ve received on a blog post?  All feedback I get is important to me.  I have 2 bests though.  1 would be acknowledgment that something I wrote made a difference in someone’s life.  Especially if that meant making them laugh. The other is constructive criticism.  I asked for it once so I could improve my writing. I got it and it helped me see how I could make my writing better.

9. Where do you get your ideas for your blog posts? I get my ideas from my daily life. For example, I was cutting down tree saplings in my yard and had to go to the store.  It turned into a post called Has the Future been written already ????

This must have been a good day as you can see the crab rangoons on the left

This must have been a good day as you can see the crab rangoons on the left

10. What is your favourite food? This is an easy question to answer and it comes with a picture. Buffalo chicken tenders with Jojo’s.  If we have extra cash, we will get either onion rings or very special crab rangoons on the side.  The crab rangoons are very special because I will only eat them from this particular restaurant. They are 128% better than anything you might find in a Chinese restaurant.

11. What is the best advice you can give your fellow bloggers about how to get new subscribers? The best advice I have is the only advice I have.  Engage with other bloggers.  If someone likes a post of yours, visit them and see what they have written.  If you like what you find let them know that.  Even if you think their blog is just not for you, at least let them know you were there. The feeling I get when someone acknowledges something I have published is a darn good one.  I like knowing I might be able to help others feel the same way. 

Whoa.  I am done already.  That went quicker than I thought.  It took a while, but it did not feel like awhile.  Thank you again Suzanne for the nomination.  Maybe if I can ever figure out how to follow rules, I will start accepting awards.  For now, I will just have to go back and answer the question I missed.liebster-award

I totally forgot again

I have managed to find someone other than myself to blame for my inability to get my weekly feature published on time.

My husband is to blame.  He has had an extra day off each week this summer which totally messes up what day I think it is.  Therefore it is his fault I cannot write about obsessive thoughts on Obsessive Thought Thursday. I do not know when Thursday is.

So glad we got that squared away from the beginning.  I continue to challenge OCD in some way every day. The more I challenge it, the more I reinforce the fact that it is okay to do something once. The more times I eat three skittlesimage at a time instead of four or 2 cookies instead of four, and nothing bad happens, the more I believe nothing bad will happen.  The more times I successfully challenge this disorder, the stronger I feel. And No, not every challenge is a successful one. Twice recently while in a store, I had an incredible increase in anxiety which was directly related to an opportunity to challenge the OCD.  I felt it in my body, just like my new Therapist wants me to.  I can hear him now, “What does it feel like?”     “Easy, It feels like I am going to puke.”

We have been experiencing a lot of ‘firsts’ the last few weeks and I am happy to note that in no way could I make them into fourths. It was stuff like the 1st time you peel and cut up potatoes without saving some pieces for the beagle. The 1st time you forget your water when leaving the house and realize you can go back in without disturbing the dog. There is no dog. The first time you cook and realize there is no dog to step over no matter where you move.  The first time you sit in your dog’s favorite spot on the loveseat and realize just howMattNoMoreFirstsWords comfortable it really is.  The first time you have sirloin tips for supper and realize there is no one to share the juice with. The 1st time your husband leaves when the dog would normally ‘think’ he shouldn’t and you both realize he doesn’t have to sneak out of the house anymore. The 2nd time you sit in your dog’s spot on the loveseat, only this time you recline back, totally enjoying how comfortable you truly are and think, “that little shit has had the best spot in the house for 15 years, and I can see the TV better from over here.” Done with firsts for now.

Okay, O.T.T., obsessive thoughts, Thursday, No its Sunday, Obsessiveness, you started this Saturday…. Lately, I have found myself obsessing over depression.  I have been obsessing over being aware that the depression may or may not be trying to get back in control of my head. I am obsessing over doing everything I can possibly do to stop the depression from taking over my brain. I am thinking this might not be a bad obsession.

Because I am constantly on the look out for signs that depression may be returning, I see the signs rather quickly. I see them before they can get a hold on me.  I can then do what I need to do to prevent it from getting worse.

For example, I have been neglecting my blog.  I enjoy my blog, I have fun with my blog.  The more I neglect my blog, the less joy and fun I have and the easier it is for depression to strengthen itself inside me.  There is more room for it to grow.

Sometimes depression tries to sneak up on me in other ways.DepressionStronger  It likes it when I feel irritable and get snippy with my partner.  I know this, I am aware of this, I can apologize for this and not do it again. Depression hates it when I do this, it loses power. One thing depression loves is alcohol.  If I have to do something that makes me extremely anxious it wants to convince me that it will be easier to do with a drink. It will be better with a  drink.  To someone with a history of depression, alcohol is just FFD (Fuel For Depression). Depression lies. It lies to me all the time. You don’t need to eat today. You will only get fatter.  Eat tomorrow. Depression wants to be that gut wrenching, motivation sucking, all-consuming monster it has been in the past.  And if that means lying to me, that means lying to me.

Today is different though.  I have had time away from that major, debilitating, dark depression. I like to think I have used that time wisely.  I have been able to work on ‘other stuff’.  I have learned how to get through some incredibly anxiety provoking situations unscathed.  I have learned and am still learning that unpleasant feelings just are. Everyone has them.feelingsEmotions  If I feel them and let them be, they will change or leave altogether. The more I fight unpleasant feelings, the stronger they become. Which opens the door for depression.  I need to allow myself to feel stuff like fear, or sadness, or even anger. That way when I feel things like joy, peace, and happiness, I will enjoy them that much more.

I do not know where I am going with this story and I barely know where I’ve been, so my suggestion to Myself is to end it here.

THE END

Treasure/Close-up Photo 16

Day Sixteen: Treasure & Close-up

This is a treasure I found on my Dad’s headstone shortly after he passed away. It has been there ever since.

Guardian Bell

A Guardian Bell is a small metal bell attached onto a motorcycle to ward off evil spirits or gremlins. The bells have more of an effect when they are given as a gift.

Legend has it that evil road spirits/gremlins have been attaching themselves onto motorcycles for as long as bikes have been on the road. These spirits are responsible for mechanical problems and bad luck on a journey. They enjoy causing trouble for bikers.

To stay safe, all one needs to do is to attach a little bell somewhere on the bike. Legend goes on to say that by doing this, the gremlins, curious as to where the ringing comes from, put their heads up into the bell. They become trapped. There, the constant ringing drives them insane, making them lose their strength and power until they fall to the ground and die.

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There are many different variations of the guardian bell legend.
image

I missed O.T.T. again

I have done it again.  Or not done it depending on how you look at it.  I have been 100% distracted by life this past week or so. I thought about writing my Feature yesterday, but chose to lay down on my couch and rest instead. I have even neglected Photot101 as well.  I hope to catch up with that this weekend.

What has me so distracted that I am neglecting my blog, You ask?  I have been taking notes for a future story I may or may not write.  That story might be about euthanasia.  I only have notes so far, so i do not know where the story will lead me.  I have experienced euthanasia 3 times.  The first time I barely remember.  The second time upset me. It is the third time I may write about.  The third time was so very different from the first two.

So this is all you get for my Fridays version of Obsessive Thought Thursday. I am so very sorry I could not get you to laugh today.

This picture was originally published in Serenity Found Me, but it works so well for todays post.

solitude and peace Goodnight Sweet Prince.  I know longer have to worry about you.

solitude and peace
Goodnight Sweet Prince. I no longer have to worry about you.

day4 – Bliss and captions

Bliss: complete happiness, great joy, paradise, or heaven.

I got nothing right now, I will sleep on it.

This sign was a sign that I needed to take a picture of it.

image

FLASHBACK to 30 years ago. 1985 was suppose to be my year.

 

No one said the bliss I found today would be my own.  Congratulations Emily, whomever you may be. 

If I took pictures of my Bliss, you would be looking at more pictures of my yard. Oh look, another picture of my yard. Unusual how I chose to drive to get this picture of my “yard”.

my property line.  looks like someone has been trespassing :)

the brook is my property line. looks like someone has been trespassing 🙂

Day 19 – You are all in trouble Now

Day Nineteen: Don’t Stop the Rockin’

Today is a free writing day. Write at least four-hundred words, and once you start typing, don’t stop. No self-editing, no trash-talking, and no second guessing: just go. Bonus points if you tackle an idea you’ve been playing with but think is too silly to post about.

I guess I will start at the beginning.  Rumi.  He has been coming up in my life a lot recently.  I should figure out who the heck he is first, then figure out what he has to say.  I do like this quote….

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”Rumi

This one is pretty good as well….

“Either give me more wine or leave me alone.”Rumi

For someone who lived in the 13th century a lot of his stuff makes sense today. Especially the wine one.

Okay enough of that crap.  I am not looking for extra credit by tackling something I have been working on that is “too silly” Everything about me is silly in one way or another.  I have been working on a couple of things that I hope to finish one day.  I’ve been working so hard on Writing101 that I have been neglecting my Blog. LMAO!!!! or at least what I thought was going to be my blog.

I have a few unfinished master pieces.  I think I may have my first installment of an angel series I want to try out.  Writing about angels was not part of the plan when I started this blog.  Life happens and things change.

Cool 250 words.  Almost done LOL

Relationships are not one of my areas of expertise, yet I wicked want to write about them.  I have experimented with writing about online relationship a bit, but I want to write about other relationships as well.  Mother/daughter and husband and wife come to mind.  Relationships with my beagle could be entertaining.  But if you have never owned a beagle, you might not understand.  Even after I explain it.

83 more words and I am done.  I know that because in 4th grade I was taught about reciprocals. I bet they don’t even teach that math method today.  I remember every day we would get the same quiz.  Get a 100% on the quiz and no more quizzes.  You got early recess instead.  I had trouble getting that 100%.  Did I mention it was timed? I knew my reciprocals I just didn’t  them fast enough.  Until one day my teacher watched me.  I would go down one column, up the next, down again, and up the last.  The teacher suggested I go only down.  Top to Bottom. Wouldn’t you know it the next time I took the quiz I got 100%.  You’d think I would have learned the life lesson of “taking suggestions” back then.  NOPE took me another 35 years for that lesson to sink in.

Uh Oh 461 words.  I know it said “at least” 400 words.  I have no problem with that.  I need help knowing when I am done. That 461 which is now 492 can easily morph into 1004.  I wicked like the word “Morph” right now.  I seem to be getting a lot of use out of it.  516 is a pretty good number too.  But now that I said that the count has gone higher.  See that it just went up again.

THE END (568)

569 since I edited it on July 4th 2015 ________Take that OCD!!!!

DAMN 579 Now…ummmm 580 +2

HaHa it worked. Damn 586

The hardest thing Evah

I do believe I just finished doing the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

My Cousin’s son’s funeral. He was 12. He was sick his whole shortened life. He was so strong in spirit. Always strong in spirit. He will always remain strong in spirit.angelwings3

This is not me and the Dad I speak of in this story. I met that Dad later

This is not me and the Dad I speak of in this story. I met that Dad later

I did not want to do this. I tried to talk myself out of it numerous times. I had plenty of real good reasons not to go. I had two friends who stood with me and motivated me. They would have come with me if they weren’t hundreds of miles away. My husband called three times to make sure I was doing okay. I realized I had a choice; I could try to do this alone, all by myself, Or, I could ask my Dad in spirit to come with me. I chose the latter. I figured since a child was involved, he would be more than happy to drop whatever he was doing and help me out.

All I had to do was be open to him. What I did was still not easy to do, but it was doable when I felt my Dad was with me!!!!

My Aunt received my first hug of the night. She was with me in the funeral line when I heard and saw her begin to sob. I didn’t even think that I stunk of coffee and cigarettes. I grabbed her and gave her a big ole tight bear hug. I felt her hands on my back. I believe in clown language that patting the back means the hug is over. I wish I remembered what rubbing the back meant. In an up and down motion, not circular.  My Aunt then approached the deceased child’s body without me. Some how she moved forward toward my wicked spiritual Aunt. Who knows? Maybe she needed me for the hug and her sister for more strength than I had to offer. My next thought was maybe she moved up because I reeked of cigarettes and coffee?

angel-back-drawing

Got Your Back!!!!

I gave real tight hugs today. The best kind. I didn‘t want to let this family go. My Aunt and Uncle got 2 hugs each. I got chuckles from all the male gender in the family, smiles from the 2 daughters, and tears from the 2 Moms of the group. A solid family. I had no intention of making anyone laugh or smile. There was Nothing to say to this family. I let my heart speak. My family is strong. This was a very short life we lost. We are strong. The child was strong. He will be stronger now. We will always celebrate this young man’s life and spirit. His spirit lives on and we know it.

The first opportunity I had, I left. I did whatever it was I was supposed to do and I left.

I got the 3rd degree from the beagle when I got home. He was mad at first.  Apparently he spent the last half hour baying at the empty driveway. He followed me around the angel-drawingshouse until I realized why. I smelled. I did not smell like another dog, but I did have a distinct smell. All those tight hugs, of course I smelled different. Even a paltry difference no beagle can pass up. I squatted down and let him sniff away.  Funny!!!! I did not know I could still squat.