A Bit About Me

My name is Emily (not IRL) and the best way I can think to describe myself is that I am a very honest, relatively nice person with a great sense of humor, but mess with my Friends and I can become unpleasant. Some people love me for my honesty some hate me for the same reason.

I have had OCD since I was a small child. Nothing too bad, but I was unquestionably obsessive. If I didn’t do things a certain number of times or the right way, the Anxiety would kick in. I have suffered from Depression since about age 16,  but was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder.  I remember being a teenager and saying to myself  “I will never worry like my Mom.” Boy was I wrong.   The GAD diagnosis came as an adult.  I experienced some alcohol and drug addiction days. At one time Bipolar and ADHD were thought to be a problem as well.  I’m not sure if the BPD was ever a diagnosis or just phases I went through. Charming!!!!  Writing this is making me feel ancient and a bit baffled.

I have tried virtually every medication available for Depression. I’ve been labeled ‘treatment resistant’. Through a lot of hard work and a lot of help and support, I have experienced some relief from Depression.  Unfortunately, when “I woke up” this last time, the Anxiety seemed to surge. Today I battle Anxiety, OCD, and have a lot of new feelings to get a handle on.  Including feelings of nothing.  I do believe that feeling nothing is better than those horrible, gut wrenching feelings of Depression.   I am still learning.  I recently had an alarming experience that ended with a Conversion Disorder diagnosis.  It was either that or a dreadful medication interaction?  The Doctors disagree.  It doesn’t really matter, because I choose to listen to all of them and do exactly what they all say.

Today I find myself taking life one feeling, one problem, one appointment, and one barking beagle at a time. 

I ended writing here.  I’ve come back to it a few times, but had nothing to add.  I was stuck.

Today I figured out what to do.  It just came to me.  It became a meddlesome, obsessive thought, but it was one of the good ones.  I will end my story.

I know what I am going to write about.  It will be about how a young happy child went from being a scared, confused, lost little girl to the strong, grateful, somewhat independent woman she is today.  I do not know what I will write about or when I will write, but I will write.  I may not write every day, or every week, or even every month, but I will write.  Someone I trust suggested that if I record my thoughts, I might be able to understand more and figure things out a little better.  One thing I have learned in my long lifetime is to take some of the suggestions given to me.  The person might actually know something that I don’t.